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Day 42; The last day (prob).
Topic Started: Aug 19 2015, 08:33 AM (18 Views)
Lill
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Challenge night is tonight, and I am not feeling great. I am pretty certain it's do or die for me, and if I can't pull a win out, I am joining the jury.

Win or die is one thing, of course. My concern is the nature of the challenge. If it's anything like what I think it is (the same challenge as the last All Stars), this thing could go all night. And I love this game. I really want to make it to FTC at this point. But... there is just no way I can be up all night. If I worked at my old job, sure. But having to work at 730 est and take care of sick/injured animals for a good chunk of the day, I just can't go in exhausted. If the challenge had been Tuesday, I could've stayed up all night (had today off). Even a Thur challenge would have been somewhat better because I don't have to work until 10am. But I honestly am starting to get worried that if this thing goes as long as I imagine it can, that I won't even make it to tribal council. What a crappy way to end the season for me.


So things are looking dim for Lill.


Don't you worry though, Brett. I've been trying. But let's be honest. Everyone wants Paul in the end because they know they can beat him. So why vote him out?

Emily is huge competition based on the information everyone has now, but no one wants to vote her out. Not. Even. Trevor.

And Trevor's name has not even been mentioned as part of the vote. He is guaranteed the end of the game. And Paul probably is too.


Paul is kind of on my shit list because he is acting all "who knows who will go! it all comes down to immunity!" then tells Trevor he is 100% voting me out. Like no discussion, no anything. Honestly, he should want to vote me out. But I don't want him to vote me out, so it is still annoying. :P

Emily told me she WOULD vote out Paul, but that is bullshit. That is her trying to save her ass if I win immunity. She knows if I win, she is the likely target, so she wants to make sure I don't go after her.... the way she is going after me.



And then there is Trevor. I feel like this whole game was ours. I feel like we had a hand in almost every single vote and decided so much of how this game went down... TOGETHER. This guy promised to go to the end with me even when I said I never expected to make the end. But now that the end is here, he is waffling. He says he'll force a tie if he wins immunity... I don't believe it.

So now I have this guy, my supposed number 1 ally, my final 2 partner, asking me for FTC speech advice while admitting he will probably vote me out. Awesome.


I can't blame him. He sees the end and knows his chances to win are much higher with me in the jury. And that's my fault, because I've been feeding his ego all game. Because I really do think he has played so smart.





But here is the thing I am thinking now (while it's too late). I put too much into my relationship with Trevor. And my level of trust with him caused me to make two big mistakes, one of them major that perhaps cost me the game.



1) Many people expressed concern with Adam being aligned with Markob, mainly Lane & David. Trevor being one of these people. And when Trevor would tell me something, I believed it always. So I started to pull away from Adam, trust him less. I started to think he wasn't really with me 100%, and had lied to me about who he was close to. So I stopped thinking about a Darrah/Lill endgame, and stopped sharing all my information with him. And now I think that was a mistake. I think Adam probably really did want to go to the end with me, and even if he did want to work with Lane & David somewhat, he would have stayed loyal to me in the end. It would have been tough to keep him that round, but maybe things would have played out differently if I went into the merge still trusting Adam completely.


2) I thought Jason was turning on me. And I thought this 100% because Trevor told me. And it wasn't the truth. How dumb did I feel when this guys actually voted Greg like they said they would? I trusted Jason, really trusted Jason, like Trevor-levels of trust. When I started downplaying my relationship with Jason to Trevor (knowing Trevor didn't trust him) that's when I realized how much I did trust him. I never fed everything Jason said to me back to Trevor like I did with everyone else. And I told Jason everything EXCEPT how close I was with Trevor. And then I was told Jason was targeting me. Jared told me this for a long time during the game, but I tried to push it out of my mind. Then when we were at F5 and Trevor "confirmed" it I figured he had to go.
But let's me honest. Trevor ALWAYS wanted Jason out, especially before Paul. And I am now learning how close Trevor was with Emily. Like Emily was Trevor's Jason, and he was trying to protect her. And I just let him. I played right into his game, kept his best buddy (and huge threat to win the game) and voted out my friend, my ally. So he could keep his.

And I know Emily won immunity, so it didn't exactly play out as expected. If I had voted against Jason and he took out Emily I'd feel like I made an even bigger mistake. But my trust for Trevor was so high at this point, I never could have voted him out. And when the game is all over, and everything is said and done, people will see how close I was to Trevor and why I didn't vote for him then. But I wouldn't have voted Emily. Because I believed something that was not true.



Maybe even if I had voted with Jason the last round, he still would have turned on me before the endgame. He is smart, and probably did not want me in the end. Maybe I did take him out before he could take me. But maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe he was legit about Sairo to the end and if I had voted out Trevor, I'd be sitting with him and Paul at the end unless Emily won immunity. I feel like if I somehow could have voted out Emily at F5 my odds to get to the end would be so much better. Because I'd be sitting with my Sairo allies, and my team hot ally. I feel like both sides with be more likely to work with me then each other.



Whatever. Hindsight's 20/20. And I can't go back in time and take immunity away from Emily, and I also can't change my vote for Jason. For all I know I could have kept him and been in this same position.

Working with the people I worked with, and playing the game the way I did got me this far, which is worth something. I just should have maybe trusted NO ONE 100%. If I had just kept myself a little on edge in all my conversations instead of being completely open with Trevor, maybe I could have been more objective with that last vote.



So many regrets when you know you will likely be joining the jury in 12+ hours.

Lol, OK, I shouldn't regret that much. I am a 2x winner that made F4 in an open ID All Stars game, which is still incredibly impressive.

But my competitive nature is taking over this point. As I should have assumed it would everytime I wrote: "I know I won't make FTC and that's fine." Who am I kidding. I don't know how to play other than to play to win.

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BROBST
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Lill,Aug 19 2015
09:33:51 AM
I am a 2x winner that made F4 in an open ID All Stars game, which is still incredibly impressive.

^
THIS
:)


Quote:
 
But my competitive nature is taking over this point.

^
THIS
:)


Quote:
 
I don't know how to play other than to play to win.

^
AND THIS
:)


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Lill
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RIP LILL!!!!


You have gone out the same as Flicka... voted out because you would have dominated at FTC!!



Or at least that's what I'll tell myself.



Goodnight.
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