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| The PrincessTwilightSexyFang Podcast; Greatest. Vlog. Ever. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 10 2017, 02:36 PM (342 Views) | |
| Lacklan | Jul 10 2017, 02:36 PM Post #1 |
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~~Presenting the PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as seen on hotgoths.fuckyeah~~ 'Sup Fang Gang! This is... ...wait for it... ...wait for it... ...wait for it... THE WINNER OF THE UGWC WRESTLESTOCK UPON CUP CHAMPION Sarah Selena Lacklan here getting drunk AF. Know how I am doing that? I'm doing shots, literally, out of my brand spankin' new cup. What are the rules of this particular drinking game? DUMB SHIT PEOPLE SAY!!! I take a shot whenever anyone:
Oh! Oh! Speaking of matches and wins and stuff! One of those wins was in the Queen of the Ring tournament over in Ladies All Star. Know who else ALSO won a qualifying match? My baby! Mackenzie beat down this chick I also know from EWC. And you know who DIDN"T win a Queen of the Ring qualifying match? Erica DeVyne! 'Sup, Erica! It was SO good to be able to hang out and scout you on Sunday. I can say, without question or conjecture, that you are CERTAINLY pretty enough to get in the ring with 🤜🏻Team💥Kickass🤛🏽, but you know what I also know without question or conjecture? You're gonna get slaughtered! :lol: You got pinned by the chick who, like, has sex slaves in a dungeon. Or something. Rough day at the office for you! Gonna be a rough homecoming for you, too. Canada is all cool and snowy and stuff, and its great that you have found a company in your homeland, but it is going to be embarrassing for you to get pinned in front of that home crowd. I mean, not as embarrassing as that hideous monotone outfit of yours. I mean, I get the black gig. I love black! A huge part of my wardrobe! But you need color, dearie! I suggest red. Though translucent blue would match all the tears I am going to make you shed 🤔 All that being said, I am SO looking forward to standing across from you and the arsonist chick, even if it is only for a few moments. Like, jumping into the Great White North is going to be tough for my baby, since she needed 27 coats to deal with Lacklanland in February, but it is going to be a wonderful change in scenery. Taking 🤜🏻Team💥Kickass🤛🏽to the top of Empire, and maybe even the very top of the CWC, is going to be an adventure worth every moment. Just sucks for you that it has to begin at your expense. Sucks to be you in general, I suppose. See ya soon, Erica! 💋[/i]
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| Lacklan | Jul 25 2017, 09:01 PM Post #2 |
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~~The PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as viewed on hotgoths.fuckyeah~~ 'Sup Fang Gang in the cold, wide, bigass North! This is your perennial host of the 24/7 Awesomesauce Party here, Sarah “If that dumb new chick calls me Serena again I will rip out her eyes and feed them to Lil Has” Lacklan here to bless you all with a few choice observations. 1). For those that haven’t figured it out yet, 🤜🏻Team💥Kickass🤛🏽 is here to stay. I know, I know, we’re ONLY here because our l337 contract skills give us a bigger shield than Tolson’s. We’re ONLY here because management across the globe hands up easy wins. We’re ONLY here because all of those supposedly easy wins are flukes, at least in my case. We’re ONLY here because Mackenzie and I have magical vagina powers that make champions lay down for three. What? What is that last one about? Oh, just this: ![]() See, because it is IMPOSSIBLE that there was ANY WAY that the tag champs looked at TWO CUTE LITTLE GIRLS and thought to themselves: “Ya know what, bruh? Dis is gonna be easy-squeezy, yo? Les not bother trainin’ and shit, yeah?” I am sure that is EXACTLY how their conversation went. Freakin’ mamalukes. And the fact that those two dipshits got EMBARRASSED just like I SAID they would is hilarious because they, like so many others, couldn’t see past the totes hawt Oreo cookie hawtness of 🤜🏻Team💥Kickass🤛🏽 to the ass-kicking inner core. And they paid for it. But, by all means, keep up the excuses instead of manning up and admitting to doing something dumb. “They paid off the ref with their vag voodoo!” Here, let me help you out with a few more excuses going forward, since you will totes need them when you face us again: “The sun was in my eye!” “There was a rock in my shoe!” “My panties were so tight that they shrank my balls!” “I was too busy going down on my partner. Um...er…#nohomo” 2). But! That is all last week. That is all in the past. This week? This week my baby gets a shot at one of the EPW titles when she takes on Nessa Wall in the MAIN FREAKIN’ EVENT for the Candaian Championship. And yes, you read that right. I am working on getting that fake country our glorious fed calls home officially renamed to “Canda,” which means that Nessa’s title will officially be called the Candaian title. Don’t fight it, its gonna happen. Just like how I made shit up a thing. N-E-Ways! There are SOME people who think that Mackenzie doesn’t deserve this title shot. “ZOMG YOU IZ HANDED TITLE SHOTS” “ZOMG I IZ SOME SUBTWEETING PUSSY BITCH FROM ANOTHER FED WITH NO STAKE IN EPW BUT AM GONNA MAKE MY VOICE KNOWN ANYWAY. OH, AND I IZ GOOD GUY GENIUS SO YOU RESPECTS ME” “ZOMG YOU DON’T DESERVE DIS” Bitch, please. Yes, our contract lawyers are KILLER. There is a LOT that being rich can take care of. For instance, if I wanted to, I could get the entire EPW media team out of the ghetto Candaian government housing they live in and upgrade them into cardboard boxes along Skid Row in L.A. Of course, I’m not going to do that because...well...I don’t need their poverty-ridden stench anywhere NEAR Lacklanland West! N-E-Ways, those KILLER lawyers negotiated a SHIT TON of benefits and stuff because 🤜🏻Team💥Kickass🤛🏽 is in high demand. One of those line items was that, should either I or Kenzi get to pinfalls in a row following our debut, we would get a title shot. And guess what? My Beloved pinned two people in two weeks. Don’t like it? Beat us. And that’s the biggest kicker of them all, the thing that drives EVERYONE FUCKING INSANE. All that shit talking we do? All the games? You want that stuff to stop? Then fucking beat us. Here’s a fun fact, ladies and gentlemen, though it is going to be hard to swallow for my detractors: 3 people have pinned me. Over 30 matches in seven months. 3 people have pinned me. Tyson Greggory. Ashleigh Jericho. Joe Stanton. World champions, tournament winners, and future members of their respective Hall of Fames. Want to step up to me? You had BETTER be of that calibre. 3). As for my participation this week? Simple. It may fit a little tight due to the sick gainz I have made this year, but I’ll be ready with cheers and even a new routine. GOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOO KENZI!!!
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| Lacklan | Aug 8 2017, 02:51 PM Post #3 |
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Sarah Selena Lacklan sits in a large throne, the back of which rises far above her head and is capped with a serpent's open mouth. She is in full Red Queen mode as she spends time at the mansion she grew up in deep in the confines of the Maine compound: Her platinum hair is pulled up into a tall hive laced with firedrops and emeralds to look like a crown; her makeup is thickly applied with her signature eyeliner wings to accentuate her odd red eyes, as well as a base to highlight her high cheekbones. Her body is clothed in a long red and black gown which shimmers with diamond dust, making her sparkle like none other, and her feet are shod in slippers made from the pelts of baby seals. The Red Queen sits upon her father’s throne with a pad of paper on her lap and a long pen in her hand, a pen tipped with a wide black feather. After a moment of pursing lips painted red to match her eyes in thought, she places pen to paper and writes. Hello Rayven, I can already hear you now. Where are the cheerleader outfit and silly rhymes? Where is the collection of teenagers with the double entendre of a name clamoring for my attention? Where is the push for merchandise and making typos a thing? You do not get them. EMPIRE no longer gets them. My Beloved and I were highly sought after by Empire. They understand that our combination of of talent, drive, and marketability is something which could propel them into the spotlight of the CWC. But the actions of two of their members, actions which were condoned by the company in their tacit and delayed reaction, left me caring after a badly bruised and hurt fiance. Their actions proved that they do not care about the future or the prosperity of this business. Only the temporary money garnered by a team wishing to be edgy. So, in their words, fuck Empire. We have a match this week, you and I. But I want you to know that this is NOT about you. This is not about dumb comments about your face or lips. This is not about Miles Blake and the erroneous judgement people have cast about protection. This is not about movies or miracles or your ability to go through 27 boyfriends in the time I have known you. This is about me. I have had success in the eight months since I turned pro. Far more wins than losses and a tournament victory. But, oh holy Hell but, I have NOT had the success that I crave. I have NOT held a major championship outside of the UGWC WrestleStock Cup. I have NOT fulfilled my potential. But this month...this entire month...is time for that proverbial put up or shut up. Every match I have this month is important either professionally or personally. Rayven Hardy. Cassandra Baumer. Magdalena Lockheart. Samantha Tolson. That ZOMG EDGY tag team for the #1 contendership for the CWC tag titles AND my Empire contract. Lucy Wylde and the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship. The LAW Queen of the Ring tournament. All important. All meaningful. And it begins with you. This is not about you, dearie. This is not about wild adventures, or public promiscuity with Mackenzie, or twitter wars, or the purchasing of a lingerie football team. This is about your ankle. I am going to destroy your ankle, Rayven. It is already hurt...it is already bothering you...it is already a major factor in your recent losses. And on Friday? I am destroy it. I am going to kick it, stomp it, and drag you to the floor, grapevine you with my famously powerful legs, and break it with an ankle lock. You might think that telling you my strategy now gives you a chance to fight back...but you are wrong. You have ZERO chance. All it is going to take is a kick, ONE solid kick from these powerful legs, and your ankle is going to crumble. No ankle? No flying. No jumping. No miracles. I am spending this week at home. At a place designed to create one of the most powerful and successful heavyweight wrestlers of all time. Over these three days I shall push weight in the gym where I picked up my first barbell. I shall run across the fields that bear my name. I shall eat food raised and grown more purely than you could only dream. I shall be ready for you, dearie. No jet lag. Not assaults with baseball bats or chairs. Just a fresh and determined Red Queen. Raise the colors...hoist the banner. The red! The black! Gotta burn in my revolution. -Sarah Selena Lacklan |
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| Lacklan | Sep 6 2017, 08:42 AM Post #4 |
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‘Sup, Fang Gang! I know, I know. The Candaian Fang Gang haven’t heard very much from me directly lately. Well, outside of that totes amazeballs promo I sent in to the last show on my honeymoon with Mackenzie where I reminded everyone…AGAIN…just how freakin’ badass of a team that Team Kickass is. What? You missed it? Because your name is Smith Jones and you just scroll past all the shit until your see or hear your name? Allow me to summarize: WE IZ THA L337, YO!! Know what I mean by that? I mean, you get it yet? Okay, quick rundown of this whole Team Kickass dealio: Outside of our Hollywood stardom in films such as The Blood Princess Bride and All That Glitters (check out www.ctn.freeforums.net for merch!), we officially debuted as a team in the hiatusized (read: closed!) United Kingdom Wrestling Federation when this buddy of mine, some chick who thought she was a demon…or something….bailed on me and my then-girlfriend Mackenzie subbed…and we pinned those dipshits D.C. Wiland (no big whoop there) and Jack Tillman, the dude who thinks that mouth guards are high fashion. And after that, we were considered as such a HUGE threat to the tag division, and UKWF as an entity, that some nameless bossman brought in a ringer team to fight us in some bullshit match with obscure rules, and they could ONLY get a pyric DQ victory. Over in Ladies All Star, we have only teamed once, though our #CoolKids are running rampant over the company (and being cancerous, if you ask some old lady who draws as much heat as an Arctic snow storm), and we DOMINATED that twit Kate Steele and her ERMAHGERD CHOSEN LEGEND Kelly SomethingOrAnother. Because, ya know, that is what we do. And, of course, in Empire itself, the place where our dominance REALLY matters, we have run roughshod over every team that has faced us, including a racist and her (possibly now dead?) mute running mate, the people who think saying FUCK!!!!!11!!11!!111!! really loudly is edgy and ZOMG LOOKS AT MAH TATS AND TITS AND WE’RE RELEVENT twice, the two chicks just about everyone thought would be the next tag champs (and pushed them out of the company!) and, of course, the (now former) tag champs themselves, Jay and Chris. Now, before Magdalena Lockheart jumps in here with OMG SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HER RECORD AGAIN, here’s the point: This whole kickin’ ass as a team is kinda our thing, get it? It’s what we do. I was born to be a wrestler but my wife has been able to pull something out of me that I never knew existed: Empathy. Understanding. And being able to understand my OWN emotions has made me better about understanding OTHER people’s emotions. She has, in effect, helped to make me a more complete fighter. And as for Mackenzie? My influence as someone who believes in her and fights both WITH and FOR her has unlocked something in her that she never thought was there, a ferocity that has helped her have the best year of her career yet. Thus, when posed with the question of “Who dis?” Team Kickass can say, without doubt, two singles stars who have become a force of attention and respect in every company they work in, and even those who have only heard their name. And if I pose the same question to the Empire Tag Champs? “Who dis?” I am not quite certain. Now, before people jump on me with ERMAHGERD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YOU ARE A FREAKIN’ MORON HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT THEIR 27 ***********1/4 MATCHES?!?!?!?!, allow me to explain. I know who we are. I know our voice. Our voice is powerful, potent, and plentiful. But theirs? No professional disrespect in this regard, Cameron and Oliver, but reality is that you two are more about posting pics and hashtags than anything else. Now, I am well aware that my wife and I post our fair share of those pics and hashtags, but we also use social media to promote and get eyeballs on our product and brand like NO ONE else in this business and, far more often than not, deliver on our promises of victory. And, without any doubt whatsoever, ALWAYS deliver on our promise of kicking ass and giving the money’s worth to those who fill those seats. Some love us and some hate us, but they always come to watch us and leave home happy. But you two? I think it is more an issue of some have apathy for you and others disinterest. Now, yes, you DID beat the tag champs clean for the titles. NO ONE can take that away from you, not even two ZOMG EDGY losers who thought that eschewing a shot at these titles for their GUARANTEED VICTORY for the CWC titles was a good thing. At this very moment, you two represent everything that Empire has to offer in the tag division, everything that the FUCK! Movement wants to trash, but we both know that they will be working for peanuts and throwing stuff at their television while we battle for rightful notoriety and importance. But that victory over the tag champs? The thing that makes you the most relevant team in the company? We did it before it was cool. Hell, we did it before the #CoolKids were cool! Are you two more than the other people in this business that look and sound all the same? Are you more than just a few hashtags and pics who had a couple of wins? We shall see. I hope you are. Because us? The fake vamp and the crybaby? We have been beating people all over the world. And we have NEVER been pinned clean. See ya around.
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| Lacklan | Sep 20 2017, 02:44 PM Post #5 |
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~~The PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as viewed on hotgoths.fuckyeah~~ ‘Sup Fang Gang! This is your reason for being, your totes amazeballs Breaker of the Unbreakable, Squasher of Mocielle, and all-around KICKASS ball of albino rage Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan here for a few updates for all of my Fang Gangers out there. Let’s break it down! The desire within me to win a major championship within my first year has been a burning one and anyone who has even heard my name knows. Time and time again, I have lost in those opportunities, or not been able to interrupt a pinfall in others. But now I have walked into the Frozen Blight of Canda and become a champion with the light of my life. And doing so, in this way, take away all the pain of the Tysons, Wyldes, and Hollands. With that being said, I promise that Team Kickass will be undefeated tag champions for as long as we are able. Whether or not people have like or agreed with it, Ken and I have represented Empire with our hearts, fought against those who would rather scream out “Fuck Empire!” than actually be fighting contenders, fought against the idea that our victories were due to magical vaginas, and we shall continue to do so. I look forward to meeting the former champions again, and hopefully they will be as focused as they can. A second note on this: It is well known that I do not hold myself to a single promotion, instead giving in to the call of the road as a freelancer. But still, Ken and I have taken to this company and its fake, frozen country. We have enjoyed the opportunity to sell our merch, draft a private reporter, and settle (sorta) a score with Baumer, even with what has been a somewhat cold relationship with management. It is with this in mind that both members of Team Kickass were saddened that seven out of the eight chosen by Miss Parker did not care about any sort of unity or identity for Empire during the Global Warfare event starting this weekend. It is a shame, as I for one would LOVE to see a tournament dominated by Empire bodies, would LOVE to show the entire CWC as a whole that OURS is the dominant brand. But I suppose it is easier to play the lone wolf and be badass while hearting the posts of OTHER lone wolfs. Newsflash: If you are one of many, you are not a lone wolf. You are a member of a collection of douchebags. And finally: While my wife heads to New Zealand for her match, I will be in Canda to face an opponent of Miss Parker’s choosing. I relish in this opportunity. Those who have heard by the merest mention of my name know that I am all for a fight, all for an experience, all for lacing up my boots and fighting someone or something unknown. And while Miss Parker’s only hint to me about the who or what I am facing is that he is “different,” I shall say this: I once fought a robotic dragon (I think?) in Mexico and not only lived to tell the tale...but WON! So bring on “different,” I say! The Abyss shall be waiting. That is all for me, Fang Gang! Our Tardis is gonna be BUUUUUUSYYYYYYY this week, so I will see you on the other side...and may even have my first singles title to show for it! |
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