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| Moon Records; Story and Discussion Thread | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 16 2009, 02:34 PM (533 Views) | |
| Lucid | Oct 16 2009, 02:34 PM Post #1 |
Class Alpha Mnemonicide
 
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The mysterious trap project is finally revealed - and it turns out to be story writing. I wanted to improve my writing skills, so I came up with this idea. I'm trying to work on this 1-2 hours a day. The requirement that I keep working on this project is that I get feedback and comments. For example what you liked about the chapters and what you didn't like? What sentences seemed akward? How could the text have been improved. One thing I'm sure will be problematic is that I will be coming up with the plot as I write on. I have some sort of main plot thought up, but haven't decided on details yet. It's still possible to send me your character profile, but you need to do so through PM. Spoiler: click to toggle Also general guidelines about the text. I'm including some music links to be played while reading the text. It's optional but I try to find the best track to fit the text. You should stop the current music when these come up: - - - CHAPTERS Mission 1 - Far Side × Burn-Wine [This post] Missions I - Near Side × Polar Bear [#13] Mission 1 - Far Side Without bothering to knock the door I try if it's open. The handle turns and the door opens without problems. I enter the apartment and announce my arrival, "Sorry to intrude." There is no answer. While hymning along some random tune I enter the living room straight from the hallway and look around. I walk next to the nearby window and look outside; some rays of sunshine make it past the blockades of clouds that dim the sun. This is the third floor but you can still hear noises from the busy streets of Fuyuki City. // Unmei no Yoru // My gaze soon fixates on my own reflection from the window. Light brown hair blocking my ears and gray eyes showing no emotions. It's not like this is an uncommon occurrence in my job. I thought I had prepared for the worst, but I suppose something like that was impossible from the start. One can never truly prepare for the demise of somebody close to you. I let out a small sigh and face the current situation by turning my sight towards the living room floor. A full-grown well built man lies there, frozen. There aren't any traces of vital signs and the warmth of his body has distinctly vanished. The unbearable stench I've been trying to ignore finally hits me. You can see traces of blood on the mans back, staining his clothes. Wearing his favorite leather jacket, a black jacket with the kanji 'massacre' stitched on it. The blood has lost its distinct red color - he must have been lying there for quite a while. I take a closer look around the house and it has been clearly searched through. Books from the nearby bookshelf are lying on the ground, all the content of closets and cupboards have been thrown out of the way and sofas have been torn apart. It's a small, humble apartment consisting of a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom. I forget the body for a moment and start to stroll around the house with no particular goal in mind. No place has been left untouched - I wonder what the people responsible for this were looking for. However, I know just the place where to look for hints. I take a look at the calendar in the kitchen and flip through the months. Several dates have markings on them, but 28th of October has been circled with a red color. Watching my steps and walking through the bits and pieces littering the floor I go back to the living room and go to the bookshelf. After searching for a while I pick up a red book, the only red book in the pile. I open it and skip straight to the page 10 and see what the 28th word is. The clue that I find is 'knife'. It doesn't take me too long to realize that I should check the kitchen. After searching the kitchen floor I find an ordinary looking knife with a large handle. The handle has an opening on its bottom. I sight at the ring on my right hand and place it on the opening. The handle splits in two and something falls on the floor; it's a key. I pick it up and drop it in my pocket. I'm relieved that they weren't smart enough to look for this, but on the other hand they wouldn't even know where to look unless they were familiar with our profession. Now that it has come to this, I walk next to the body on the living room to take a last sight at my master. I fall silent for a moment, to pay tribute to him and to sort out my thoughts. "Farewell my teacher, Zansatsu." After those words I kneel and take a ring from his right hand - a ring with the crest of a librarian. I feel a little sense of guilt because I can't stay here any longer nor can I do anything about the body. If those people couldn't find what they were looking for, most likely they have this place under surveillance and it's going to be problematic if I stay here too long. Without further delay I make my way out of the apartment and enter the stairways. The route is clear. This seems awfully ominous. They must be waiting me down in the streets ready to overshadow me. I take a moment to estimate my body’s condition - the current route I'm about to take isn't going to work out well if I'm in half spirits. My joints are feeling a bit stiff, but it should still work out. I start walking up the stairs. This is a building with six floors, so that makes about 24 meters in height. Finally reaching my destination, I open the door to the roof. The wind blows against my face and the bustling noises of Fuyuki City’s central still fill the air; it's past midday after all. I reach down to my pocket and confirm the shape of the key I picked up earlier by feeling alone. Still feeling little blue I let out a small sigh and start increasing my walking pace - I wonder what kinds of secrets this key holds. I start running towards the edge of the roof, and jump. Burn-Wine // Fragment of Happiness // It's a lively scene. The house is still quite empty, but some tables have been filled with people. Some have come in pairs; some have come in bigger groups. They are enjoying their lives and drinking away. There is still plenty of time until our prime-time, so I'm checking the main counters bottle status. Hundreds of bottles with different shapes and colors fill the cabinets under the counter; alcoholic beverages of all kinds. I quickly glance through them and make notes of what bottles I should replace. Cuchulainn, the greatest Irish pub around. We offer the finest beverages and our cocktail library is immense. After opening this place few years ago and it has been an enjoyable ride. The first few months were tough but soon people started gathering here, especially during weekends. A man walks to the counter, "Oi GaeBolg, throw another five Rusty Nails will ya?" "Coming right up," I respond to the customer in a cheerful manner. Let's see, I will need these. I grab bottles of Scotch whisky and drambuie under the counter and place them on the top of the counter. I grab some glasses from the glass holders hanging nearby and scoop some crushed ice from the open cooler with my other hand. Fill the glasses with crushed ice and pour in the ingredients. Mix the cocktails a bit and add the final touch, a slice of lemon as a decoration. I present the customer with a receipt printed by the cash register. He pays for the drinks and I place the drinks on a tray along with the change, "Here you go." The customer takes the tray with a delighted smile and heads back to the table he came from; where it seems people are eagerly waiting for new drinks. // Haze // "I wonder if this is going to be another busy night. Well, that part-timer boy’s shift is starting in an hour; it wouldn't matter even if things got rowdy." Just as I'm about to resume my bottle check, a new customer walks in the house. The door shuts and I take a good look at the people who walked in. Two people enter from the front door. One small enough to be a third grader and another around the same height as I, who seems to have cloaked himself in a black cape that covers his whole body and a cowl that hides his face. The cloaked person raises some suspicions but I'm more interested about the shortie, blond hair and red eyes - that's a rare combination. The kid takes a good look around the house as if looking for something, and finally our eyes meet. The biggest grin I've ever seen rises on her face. With a grandiloquent aura she starts walking towards me and finally sits on a chair next to the counter. The cloaked person sits next to her as well. We don't say anything for each other for a while, but finally I open my mouth, "We don't serve to minors here." The blonde smiles again and finally opens her mouth, "Good to see that you are doing well, mongrel." That's when it strikes me. No wonder her characteristics looked so familiar, and it's impossible not to recognize that voice although it sounds a bit different from my memory. I smack my face with the palm of my hand and keep staring at her. Looks like a troublesome customer found her way here. Edited by Lucid, Oct 22 2009, 09:44 PM.
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| Ssuusshhii | Oct 16 2009, 03:40 PM Post #2 |
The Wonderful Half-Loli
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Decent story. The bar scene is a little awkward, though I can't really place my finger on it. I think it's because you're mixing instructions in your narration. But I don't know much anyways; I don't write stories. |
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| Lucid | Oct 16 2009, 03:46 PM Post #3 |
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Class Alpha Mnemonicide
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It's not about if you're a writer. You're a reader and if something is akward to read you should mention about it. |
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| Xenovent | Oct 16 2009, 03:57 PM Post #4 |
Storymongler
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Mad props, as they say. That was an enjoyable read, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops! With each new heading, (Far Side, Burn-wine) is the character narrating going to change? I just ask so I can keep my characters straight. The only thing I can point out is the line "We don't server to minors here." Doesn't sound right. Might I suggest "We don't cater to minors here." or else "We don't serve minors here." Again, looks good! |
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| Lucid | Oct 16 2009, 04:38 PM Post #5 |
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Class Alpha Mnemonicide
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Damn, even though I checked it throughly I left a typo. Well spotted Xenovent. Just so you know the whole chapter title is Mission 1 - Far Side, not just Far Side. And I can say in this case that they are from different characters perspectives. Though it's my fail as a story-teller if I need to make clear of such thing. |
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| Wurf | Oct 16 2009, 06:46 PM Post #6 |
Reverse-Reverse-Reverse-Trap
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Well, you're off to a great start, Grimgrim. I'm loving your writing style, and you seem to have some interesting premises to work with, mixing seriousness and humor and all that. After all, we're quite the crazy bunch, aren't we? Anyway, keep writing, 'cause I can't wait to see what comes next! |
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| Gilgamesh | Oct 16 2009, 08:01 PM Post #7 |
Analye
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Not bad for a start. Easing in at a nice pace, but remember you don't need to introduce a character until it's necessary. Introduce them when they become significant to the story. The writing approach you seem to be taking is doing a little bit from each characters point of view. This is not an uncommon format but it doesn't make for a flowing story. You may have a hard time blending them all into one overall story unless you choose one or two characters to primarily tell the story from. Though you're just experimenting, so that's fine. I'm just saying the final product might not look as good if you start the story from 8 characters perspectives than finish off in a couple. Don't rely on music to tell the tone of the story, set it yourself. Also, rather than just using words for a character speaking try to describe the tone in which they're speaking to give off their facial expressions a little better. Not a bad start at all. I'll look forward to what you have to add. |
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| jen626 | Oct 16 2009, 10:22 PM Post #8 |
Mongrel
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Nice piece of work, can't wait for the continuation. |
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| Animus | Oct 16 2009, 10:27 PM Post #9 |
Master of Future Revolutions
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I really liked your experiment, Grim. I don't see any problem regarding plotting, it seemed pretty interesting to me; and I truly want to read more of this. I totally support storytelling from different perspectives: if you are able to make a clever and elegant workaround to merge or relate the discrepant stories; the outcome, distinctively if you maintain a mystery atmosphere, could be outstanding. I support the use of music, specially on a preliminary stage. Even though, as Gil said, don't rely on that: on the final product the tone has to be fully present in the text.  Cannot wait for the next chapter. You're making a fine work, Grimwind! |
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| Jad | Oct 18 2009, 03:41 PM Post #10 |
Trying to understand ollydbg and C++
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A ambitious "experiment". Well what can I say good job until now can't wait to see more. Now for the bickering xD I'm ok with the music but as gil said don't rely on it too much to set the atmosphere (the ost was made for other things so it will not be in tune with your work) The main story is ok for now but you could try and use more references or words that suggest images to help set up the scenery (describing facial expressions or the tone with witch someone is talking is a good suggestion too) The word fixates ("My gaze soon fixates on ...") dunno it kind of bothers me it has and awful ring to it when you read, let alone hear it (only word that comes to mind now is stops but there should be another more appropriate) "The house is still quite empty..." you are referring to the bar right ? so I guess "The bar/pub is still quite empty..." is more appropriate. GaeBold is a character that makes jokes or tries to be funny right ? so "We don't serve to minors here." could be replaced with "I think you came here 10 years too early" or "Aren't you too young to be here" (well you can actually skip this because I don't want to influence your style) Thats all that comes to mind right now still its a interesting read good luck with the rest. And now for some spoilers xD: Ok so the part timer boy is known (i forgot who posted that he is a helper at the bar ... the thread with the characters vanished ^^) And if i recall the black coat man is also known just remember who knows gils second identity Ok time to stop this or my posts will be longer that the story xD Edited by Jad, Oct 18 2009, 03:45 PM.
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| Gilgamesh | Oct 19 2009, 06:44 AM Post #11 |
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Analye
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Please try and remember gil is a very straightforward person in private, but often not in public. Gil-ko-tan isn't dieing to let just the people at the bar know who she is. Having Animus escort her was probably a good idea. I also believe GaeBolg could either be serious about his job if he was more busy, or make a joke like Jad said if it wasn't as populated. This will be the problem you face when you don't design your own characters. Generally, while we write we're aiming to communicate a point of an experience we've either seen before or experienced ourselves (normally much stronger). You must try very hard to keep into the mindset of your characters whether or not you make them yourself. It's okay to make changes but stay consistant. I don't think we're far enough to start criticizing for character design yet, because we've seen little development thus far other than perhaps Xenovent's character in the beginning, and possible a bit of structure for GaeBolg. Keeping to the mind of the character is the hardest thing you can do. A lot of times people watch shows or read novels thinking "Ugh, why did he do that?! It's obvious what he could of done." It's even harder for the author because they know everything, so they know the best possible course of action that character may take or begin to proceed in. Sometimes you need to skimp on logic to tell the story or accommodate for the character's personality flaws. We all have them, and it's what makes us interesting. |
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| Gae_Bolg | Oct 20 2009, 01:48 PM Post #12 |
Teh GAR-Bolg
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Cool story bro~ I won't rant so much about what you're doing and how you can improve it, since I didn't really find anything out of order when I read it. About what Jad and Gil said about GaeBolg, I would agree. You can keep it as it is for now, but it'd be good to remember when writing about him in future chapters. Anyways, keep up the good work! (Can't help but think about that other project though...) -.- |
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| Lucid | Oct 22 2009, 09:42 PM Post #13 |
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Class Alpha Mnemonicide
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Missions I - Near Side "Come closer my son," an elderly man speaks with a low voice. I take few steps forward and kneel next to him. I raise my head and look at my spiritual father in the eyes. Sight has left those eyes years ago. They don’t show any signs of life, yet they seem so warm. He presses his hands against my face and starts to examine it by feeling alone. Color has left those hands years ago, yet they seem so warm. "You have grown strong, Adam. It's such a shame I can't see you with these old eyes of mine." The man lowers his hands and continues with a low tone, filled with a hint of sadness, "At least I still have the image of you eight years ago in my memory. But with each year as I grow old, it feels like my memories are disappearing one by one." He grabs the wheels of his wheelchair and with slow phase travels next to the nearby window. Instinctively I walk next to him as well. "The moon looks so fantastically bright this night. It never ceases to amaze me with its peculiar charm." The old man lets a small burst of laughter, "I wish I could share the same view with you," he replies to my comment. The man in the wheelchair turns silent for a moment, but soon opens his mouth with a slightly awkward tone, "I'm sending you on a mission, Adam. A mission which will not be like the others you have faced so far." That comment holds strong emotions behind it. He continues, "I've made some bad choices during my life, holding onto values that I took for certain without doubt. I was young and weak." Without interrupting him, I listen carefully to his words filled with life experience far greater than mine. "You are different from me. You never submit to any of those truths, but constantly make your own road with more and more questions. What will wait at the end of that road? That is something I could never find out. However, never forget Adam, that the wine of truth is bitter indeed." Silence fills the room yet again. His presence is fading bit by bit, he must be tired. "What do you search for Adam?" "The truth." "Where do you search it from?" "Within myself." "When will you reach it?" "Never." I tilt my head towards the sky again and enjoy this moment for a while longer. It must have been at least two years since the last time I left this place. I make my way to the exit, open the door and have a last look at my father. His existence seems as frail as glass, yet it seems so warm. Polar Bear The bartender grabs a glass and pours some strawberry juice to it. He makes an expression as if remembering something and picks a straw from the top shelf, dropping it to the glass as well. "Here you go," he pushes it to the sudden visitor. With a smile the customer takes the glass and drinks a big gulp of the juice. Her face blushes a bit and she lets out a big sigh of relievement. She pushes the glass with still some juice in it in front of the cloaked person next to her, "Here, have some too." The cloaked person moves his head a bit as if examining it, but doesn't drink anything yet. A moment passes and no words are exchanged. The bartender takes a closer look at the customer’s appearance. A young girl who looks like 12 years old - at most. Golden hair flailing along her shoulder with two pink ribbons as accessory. Her eyes bear strong crimson color, which make her look a bit pushy. She is dressed casually in a black T-shirt, a mini skirt and long white socks with yellow stripes. Though one could say the mini skirt looks a bit too revealing for somebody who looks so young. “Has it been three years, Gilgamesh?” the bartender finally tries to open a conversation with a casual tone. “Something like that.” The girl shows a little smile and continues, “Did you miss me Eric?” Eric replies with silence. "Awwwww, don't be so mean Eric. It almost feels like you don't like me anymore," Gilgamesh tries to tease Eric in a friend-like manner. "Did something happen to Community Crucis?" "You already know the answer, don't you? After you disappeared people started leaving, me included. They were fun times, but it was about the time for us to settle down with our lives," Eric replies with a peaceful tone, filled with memories. Gilgamesh swirls around in her rotating bar chair while listening. "So you opened this bar and have been keeping it open for two years now." Gilgamesh puts his hands against the table and leans his head against them, as if pondering something. "That sounds boring." Eric twitches and his voice gets louder, "We haven't seen each other in three years and the first thing you do is come here to mock my pub? Besides, what's up with that messed up body of yours and what the hell have you been doing these past years without contacting us even once?" Eric takes a deep breath and stares at Gilgamesh. "Your customers are going to hear you," Gilgamesh giggles a bit. Indeed, some of them are throwing glances at Eric and at his mysterious guests. Eric grabs some glasses from the hangers and starts shining them with a towel in attempt to calm himself down. A moment passes and no words are exchanged. Gilgamesh’s behavior starts to calm down finally and the smile on her face disappears. "A lot of things happened. I found out about things I shouldn't have." All traces of her child like nature vanish along those lines and her voice sounds determined. "Say Eric, do you like it here?" Eric lets out a small gulp; this is the person he remembers from years ago. "Yes, I like it here. It's a peaceful manner of living which suits me just fine." Gilgamesh picks a subtle hint of doubt in his voice. "You’re lying. I can see from the marks on your hands that you are still honing your fighting skills." Eric doesn't respond but still continues polishing the shot glasses. "I think you haven't still been able to let go off those times three years ago. I think you are still longing for those days filled with adventures and dangers we used to share." Eric is clearly feeling uncomfortable, his eyes seem distant. "Is that all you had to say?" He lets out a small sigh, "I appreciate that you finally showed up to see me, but I've put those days behind me long time ago." Gilgamesh seems a bit let down. "It seems you aren't in the mood to talk me right now, so I'll just leave this here." Saying that she picks a letter from the bag she is carrying and leaves it on the counter. "Just so you know, we are back together again - Community Crucis is alive again." After those words the girl hops out of the bar chair and starts walking towards the exit. The cloaked person which she brought with her does the same. Eric watches as they leave. He is sweating and mixed feelings are running in his head. He glances around the pub, seems like the people haven't paid much attention to their meeting. Then he looks at the letter on the table. The door closes as the visitors finally leave the pub. "Was it really such a good idea to leave him that letter? He didn't look too happy to see you." "He will be back. He is one of us, no matter how many years go by." A moment passes and Gilgamesh’s serious mood starts to tumble. "I want to eat some strawberry cake", she says as she takes hold of the hand of her companion. Minutes pass as Eric examines the letter on the table and ponders deeply if he should open it. Once I open this letter I can never go back; that is the feeling he has. He takes a deep breath and finally opens the letter. As he reads his eyes start to shine slowly, slowly. It's the smell of life, something he had long forgotten. After reading the letter Eric lets out a small burst of laughter and puts it in his pocket, "Seems like you won again, Gilgamesh." Eric looks at the clock and notices it's about the time for the part-timer to arrive here, not that it would stop him even if he wasn't coming. He grabs some paper and a pen under the table and leaves a message with his signature on it: "Take care of the bar." Moments pass, when a man finally steps out of the back exit. A man who looks like turning 30 soon. He has left his work clothes behind and now he is wearing a classy white dress shirt with a black blazer on top of it. His long blue hair has been knotted and he still wearing some casual earrings. "I guess I should go pick up some things from home before heading out." His bad mood moments ago is nowhere to be found. Excitement - inextinguishable flames of youth are burning his body. He can't feel but to let out a big shout of laughter in the chilly night air. It's nice that I got so many comments. I tried writing these chapters without music links, but I'm going to use them again on the next chapters. Edited by Lucid, Oct 23 2009, 08:04 AM.
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| Animus | Oct 22 2009, 10:22 PM Post #14 |
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Master of Future Revolutions
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This is really enjoyable and I'm using that word because it's superior than 'entertaining'. I just found one little mistake: You answered well to the critics, Grim. I'm totally looking forward for this ^_^ |
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| Lucid | Oct 22 2009, 10:53 PM Post #15 |
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Class Alpha Mnemonicide
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Darn, I left another typo. One of these days I will post a pack of chapters without typos. |
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