| Welcome to ED Support Online. We hope you enjoy your visit. We are a friendly and supportive community, run by and for people with eating disorders (EDs). We are NOT in any way pro-ana, instead offering a listening and understanding ear for eating disordered people. EDs are isolating and lonely illnesses and we aim to counter that. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. PLEASE NOTE: After you register, you MUST post an Introduction straight away. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 9 2012, 04:53:21 PM (429 Views) | |
| Feather | Aug 9 2012, 04:53:21 PM Post #1 |
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Ninja Star
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Hey... :bighug: I know that I've been asking a lot from you guys, recently...And again, I am very sorry for being so self-centered and selfish, and needy. :-$ But I think it might be something useful for others, after me. So...maybe it isn't completely selfish? :( Anyways... I want to create kind of a document with the best possible informations concerning my mental health and behaviors. I'm trying to ''educate'' my boyfriend, but he thinks he knows...He might do some researches on the net, but he's just going to be more lost, I think. You know, there is so much informations out there, how would he know? So I need you to help me...To find the best information (Not necessary medical, official stuffs, but it could be about HOW you experience things, too) about certain subjects. Obviously, I'd like to have information about ED, but not the wikipedia kind of infos...I'm running out of ways to make him understand, or interested in the right things. I want him to worry or get interested about what's going on in my head, emotions, triggers, etc. Not just when and where I purge or cut myself or wathever! I also need the same kind of information on SI. And maybe the relationship between ED and SI...Because he thinks that I should ''choose'' to binge instead of cutting, kind of thing. He knows there is a connexion , but he's wrong on WHAT is the connexion. Finally, any information the same kind about mental health in general, personality disorder (Borderline especially), depression, anxiety, etc. The kind of information I need is not so much ''proffesionnal & Medical''. It could be, any good information is welcomed. I'm searching for the kind of information you give to educate partners and people close, the ''what to do'' and ''what not to do'', etc. Also, any information about personal experience - ''How you are living this or that'' - , what helps you or not...etc. Thank you a big lot for participating ! |
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| Rainbow | Aug 15 2012, 12:59:17 AM Post #2 |
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Do you think it would be really useful for us all to put together a bit trying to explain it from our own points of view so that your hubby might understand it from the ED sufferer's point of view? I would be willing to try to do that when I get time over the next few days if you feel it would help. :3 |
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| Feather | Aug 15 2012, 01:07:22 PM Post #3 |
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Ninja Star
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Oh, Tara. That would be amazing... |
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| Rainbow | Aug 22 2012, 06:28:43 PM Post #4 |
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Ok feather I'll set some time aside tomorrow to do this for you. Sorry I've taken so long to reply. I've been very busy, life getting in the way etc. :( <3 But it's important and tomorrow will be the day! |
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| Feather | Aug 24 2012, 01:37:21 PM Post #5 |
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Ninja Star
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Thank you very much...! |
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| Rainbow | Sep 7 2012, 10:49:13 AM Post #6 |
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Oh dear, I've been such a crappy friend recently... I keep meaning to do this but I never find the time. I'm so sorry Feather. I really WILL get around to it, I promise. It's on my to-do list! |
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| Pynkii | Sep 8 2012, 02:58:19 AM Post #7 |
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gypsy spirit
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Hey feather, i just noticed this thanks to rainbow. would you like me to post some of my experiences? are you still interested in us doing this for you? sorry i didn't see this sooner. hope you're doing ok.. |
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| Hale♡ | Sep 11 2012, 05:05:05 PM Post #8 |
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I'd be willing to give some input as well if you still would like it? |
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| Rainbow | Sep 17 2012, 08:33:21 PM Post #9 |
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^^ I think at any stage it would still be useful for us to be able to do this for you Feather. Sorry it's so late, I really do feel terrible about how late this is. But as they say, better late than never and I really hope your hubby takes some notice for you this time! :3 "I’m worthless, useless. What’s the point of putting in effort if you never get the results to prove it? What’s the point in feeling like dying everyday over a bunch of menial stuff? Why do I care so much? Why can’t I go home? Why can’t I go to sleep and stay asleep forever? Questions I ask myself everyday but can't seem t find the answers to or fight. I lose myself within my own head. I feel like I'm drowing in my my own thoughts. I can't find the escape I need from myself. Somehow, I guess it feels like if I managed to lose some of my physical self some of the low-self esteem and the mental health would go away with it. I know that's not the case. It's like when you get an idea into your head and it keeps running and running until you can't fight it anymore. Have you ever tried to not wash your hair for a week, or tried not to brush your teeth for a week? Sure, at first it's really easy not to focus on but as your teeth get more grimey and your hair gets more greasy it just becomes everything to you, all that you can focus on. Eating Disorders are a bit like that: all you're trying to do is escape the idea that you're fat, or escape thinking about food, but it's all you seem able to do. It consumes you. People are trying to force you to eat or not to eat, or saying you're too thin or too fat and you need to exercise more or try to be more healthy. And the more it's focused on, the worse you feel about it, lower self-esteem is on the increase. You don't get a chance to just feel happy at any point in the day. That leads to more problems. You know how you should feel. You know how you want to feel. But you can't help how you DO feel, and that's so low that you wish you could just die. There are children dying in Africa and here you are worrying about what size you are. It's more about not feeling like you mean enough to the world to matter, I guess in a way you think that if you were smaller you might just vanish one day and you won't have to worry anymore. Or that if you were smaller, you'd somehow be beautiful (even though you never will be, because you personally as an individual never could be even if everyone else in the world is, you don't deserve it, don't matter enough), beautiful enough to make up for the layers of hurt underneath. Children starving in Africa are happier than you are, and why? Because you can't be happy in your own skin. Which makes you feel guilty then, too. Less worthy of anything. Which makes people shout, confirming your suspicions that you're not important or not worth anything (even if they're only doing it because they care... They're caring in all the wrong ways because they refuse to listen to you when you try to tell them otherwise. They always think they're right. But how can they know? They don't live in this hell everday.) And no matter what I do, what I try to do or say or think, I come back to this point. Yes, I’m doing “all the right things.” Yes, I am almost physically recovered now. But that just leads to being ignored by the health professions, who won't give me the time of day since clearly, on the surface, I am coping on my own. Therefore I must be coping underneath, right? The truth is I've accidentally dissociated my physical abiity to show my emotions with what I'm actually feeling.. It was necessary in order to get me out of bed each day, at the end of the day. And why? Because other people need me to keep going for them, to ignore the fact I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and die for some reason unbeknown to me that I wish I could cure but can't. Thinking that so long as they will it to go away or tell me not to take action on it, it will go away. But like the greasy hair, the problem just gets worse the longer you leave it. The feelings inside of you feel slowly more and more sickening, stomach churning, but they're there. The longer you leave them and try to ignore them, the worse they get. I find I'm at my best when people leave to make my own decisions: whether or not to eat lunch, whether or not to cut myself. When people don't chastise me for making the wrong decisions, I tend to try to make the right ones. I feel loved and supported regardless, like I DESERVE to try to find happiness and to have a go at it. Not to drown in my own thoughts anymore. But if people try to tell me otherwise, I can turn defensive and this feeds my eating disorder. I know it's wrong with what it tells me, but at least it doesn't shout at me. It's there for me. So why do people get eating disorders? There's usually some kind of a trigger and on a subconcious level usually it's some sort of a method of protecting yourself from getting hurt: trying to gain back your body from childhood when it was safe (or get the childhood you never had), get some of the control back other people are always taking away from you, to shut down your emotions so you don't have to feel them anymore by starving away your ability to think, maybe even a slow suicide to stop the thoughts in your head from going around and around and around. And on a conscious level you ALWAYS choose to fight. I don't know a singe person on this forum that does not choose to fight everyday some of the thoughts that consume them. It's so much effort to go day to day as it is, without feeling like the rest of the world is against you too. Thankfully, my boyfriend lets me make my own decisions, believes that I know I'll make the right ones in the end. Sure, I lapse sometimes, purge or fast a day or two and he realises this is more something that happens to me than something that I chose. He hugs me, tells me he's sorry this is happening to me and that it will be ok. And the more I feel supported in it, the better I find myself feeling, the closer to recovery. There are still bad days, but there are a lot fewer bad days than there used to be. :) And you fall asleep at night, hungry to the core. For food (you try to drown out the thoughts by shutting your body down slowly, a subconcious reaction), for warmth, for emotional nourishment. But nobody knows who you really are. You don’t even know who you really are although you’ve been searching for years. Is there any point in searching anymore? You know what’s missing. Parts of you deep down inside, so deep they’re not coming back. But now the things you prided yourself on most are drifting away. Maybe that’s a good thing. It doesn’t do anyone any good to be proud… But to be happy? The most common misconception about self harm and eating disorders is that they're a choice. They aren't a choice, they're a symptom of a mental disease. Even if someone manages to stop ED or SI behaviours, it doesn't mean that they're 100% cured and better. The problem is an internal one. Your own mind posing a risk to itself. And a mental disease isn't something you can berate someone for. It's not a choice you make, it's a thing that happens to you, just like cancer or even a heart attack. You wouldn't shout at someone for having cancer, you'd try to support them. The best thing you can do to try to support someone stuck in their own head, with depression and an eating disorder, is try to understand, don't expect anything, don't tell them what to do and support them. They'll get the rest in their own time because they'll no longer feel like they don't matter as a person. They'll feel like they matter enough to you that their life matters, and recovery will happen." Also, sorry about the switching tenses. My parents shouted at me lots when writing this because I'm going back to uni tomorrow and was supposed to watch a movie with them :D But hey ho it's worth it. I hope it helps! Edited by Rainbow, Sep 17 2012, 08:38:06 PM.
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:40:08 AM Post #10 |
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Ninja
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an email i sent to my (now) fiance, this past january: I know you're going to want to talk about this, so I thought I'd get part of it out of the way by sending an email. But really, this is my attempt to be open with you, possibly more than I would be able to in a face-to-face conversation. Maybe it can be considered a prelude to a face-to-face conversation... a chance for me to be honest in ways that Ed often does not let me be. He has been convincing me to lie or simply evade the truth more and more, as I'm sure you know. I definitely feel like it was a mistake for me to not go to NYC for recovery. Basically, I started eating again and gained the weight to get people to stop freaking out (and to get my life back), but I did not actually address how to truly fight Ed, nor did I even touch the surface of what caused this, etc. I honestly felt like I had learned enough and knew better than to let myself start off on such a bad note with school, but I was wrong. I still want to believe that I will not let myself get really sick again-- I DO believe that. But Abbey has warned me (and I've been honest with her that I'm not doing great with recovery, but haven't gone into any detail-- although I have left that door open for future conversation) that this is how it always goes down: we believe we are in control, until suddenly we're not. And we often don't realize it until it's too late. I DO believe it's different now, and I can specifically cite examples: The fact that I force myself to eat-- not ONLY my veg/protein meal, but also additional carbs--including, but not limited to bread and peanut butter, as needed. As needed to help me sleep at night-- because I sleep poorly enough as it is, but I know if my body is starving it will be infinitely worse. I do starve myself all day, every day. If I eat anything before 7-8pm, it might be a piece of string cheese or nonfat greek yogurt, but that only happens if I am home and it is staring me in the face all day. Even (especially) on my 17 hour Mondays, I do not eat anything. I tried once but it was too overwhelming and I didn't want to, anyway. But I did bring food this week, in case I needed it for the drive home, and I did eat a mini-packet of organic fruit snacks, and a string cheese when I left to drive home and night, to make sure my blood sugar wasn't totally out of whack. But even though I starve myself all day, I don't starve myself any day truly. Because I do eat at night. I eat plenty-- if you want examples, here: I'll typically have: - a very large salad consisting of baby greens, a can of tuna, some chopped cucumber, and low-fat dressing OR a bag of steamed green beans with morningstar chik'n strips - either some carrots + hummus, greek yogurt, and/or string cheese - munch on some kashi dry cereal and right before bed, to try and promote sleep: - a slice of bread with peanut butter In the past, sleep and being able to focus/function wouldn't even be something worthy of consideration. So I want to believe it is different. Part of me does worry at times, though, and this is the point of me sending this email; I would NOT be able to admit this to you in conversation, most likely! I worry mainly because of what Abbey said, and the fact that I have proof via Evo that I DID start out being somewhat rational about my diet; prioritizing school, hating the fact that I had to eat for work/school/boyfriend, but maintaining the knowledge that it was important enough and worth it. And then.... one day it just went out the window. Ed took over. I'd like to believe it wont' happen again, because I know better this time, whereas I didn't know before. But I do worry that I'm being naive about that. I know that the things I regularly do are not just dangerous-- they are essentially me being in a state that is NOT recovery, but fully eating disordered. Shit, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I haven't been in recovery for a long time-- I'm just not anorexic. I'm maintaining myself, my body weight, my intake, at a level above anorexia-- but I am totally eating disordered. Just like i was before the anorexia took over. And I worry that it's only a matter of time before it happens again. But I probably will not send this email at all, I'm realizing, because I am NOT ok with admitting this to you or anyone. Because I still dont' feel willing to change anything-- willing? or able? I don't know. it's like it's not even an option to consider. Just like it wasn't before, when I was in therapy, and not in denial of the fact that I was eating disordered, but totally in denial of the possibility that it was something serious enough to warrant concern or treatment (notice I say 'possibility' there, and not 'fact'--- because I still cannot consider it a fact that I need/needed help or warrant(ed) concern). Maybe that is denial. But I can't consider it denial unless the facts say otherwise. When I realized that I fit the diagnostic criteria for anorexia, I couldn't deny the problem. In a way, to be really honest, that was a huge relief-- because being eating disordered SUCKS ASS regardless of my weight/level of functioning, etc. I bought a scale the other night.... I knew it was a bad idea and almost called Abbey to confess and have her talk me out of it, but I didn't because I wanted it. I feel like i need it. My weight is XXX in the morning and XXX at night. At the gym I went to tonight, they do this whole crazy freaking body analysis thing-- they just asked me my height and weight and I told them XXX, and then had me do a (pretty, but not totally, inaccurate) body fat test thing--- and it came to XXX. Their hope is to be able to tell you how you can improve your fitness and where you WANT your body to be, but my stats were right in the "ideal" or "excellent" zones.... there is some variance in ideal body fat percentages, but [deleted section talking about this more] oh i don't know what the entire guideline is, all i know is i'm just fine.... But at the same time, I was very surprised to be as low as I was! Because I totally see myself as way fatter. I think that's where the true danger stems: the fact that, when it's just me and my body, I truly see myself as much fatter than I apparently am. I hate even saying that because i TRULY believe I am fatter than the tests etc say I am. Much, much, fatter. Like to the point that it's ridiculous for me to even consider otherwise. I will occasionally have a moment of reality check, when I see my back ribs in the mirror behind me as I'm putting on lotion or something, but I'm convinced that it's just angle and certain parts of my body/how I am built. Because other parts of me are so huge. Alright so Im not even close to concluding this, but I am SO TIRED and suddenly overcome by the need to sleep immediately. So I was going to just save this and finish/send it tomorrow, but I KNOW if I do that, it will never get sent because I will change my mind about it tomorrow. SO i'm going to send it now, unfinished, in this raw form. Just to be honest with you. Shit. This sucks. Don't be too hard on me, please? Ok that's all. Ahhhhhhhhh shit panicking about sending but gonna do it now without giving it another moments' thought!!!!! (i will be going through adding more things to this thread. i feel like my fiance has grown from not understanding it at ALL, to COMPLETELY getting it. it makes me laugh sometimes because he will say things that are just so right on. its a little freaky how much he GETS it. the first thing i had him read was a book called "the secret language of eating disorders" by peggy claude-pierre. after that, i sent him ALL of my unedited private blog posts from a different forum.... i copied them all into an email. he was able to see into my private thoughts during the time i was initially progressing further and further into my eating disorder, all the way to the time when i had started treatment and embraced recovery. ever since then, i send him random things to read (articles, rambling emails, whatever). so i'll share some of the things as i come across them... i can also send you the emails containing my private "blog" entries, if you want. actually i think i copied them into word documents, so i could send you those if you wanted. i don't struggle with SI anymore, but i did a LOT when i was in high school. but depression and anxiety are major themes in my life, too.) Edited by Esme, Sep 18 2012, 03:53:43 AM.
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:41:50 AM Post #11 |
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another email sent to him in jan: Food today-- Help!!! 1 small cup OJ 1 small cup veggie juice (VJ?) 1 handful almonds 3 bites cottage cheese 1 cheese sandwich (2 slices bread + 2 slices cheese) 1 bowl of kashi cereal w/blueberries and almond milk WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I HAVE EATEN WAY TOO MUCH? seriously.... i need you to tell me if that is a reasonable amount of food or if it is not enough or too much because i feel like i am a huge pig and have eaten far too much today, but when i type it out it doesn't seem like it's nearly as much as i feel like i've eaten. i keep thinking i must have just forgotten about something, but i really think that's the extent of my consumption today. is it sufficient? is it a lot of food? HELP! perspective! (i can't do this sort of thing with A because i'm not sure if it will be triggering for her.) |
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:46:58 AM Post #12 |
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Ninja
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my email to him, trying to justify doing a cleanse/fast and telling him about my bingeing problem. (last september) i'm writing this email because i want/need to explain to you my reason for wanting to do the cleanse right now. it's really embarrassing and difficult and complicated and NOT something i want to share with you, but i need to because i know it is something that will help me for you to understand. at some point a couple or few weeks ago (or months? i'm not sure when, really) i started having a hard time with wanting to restrict especially bad. i would decide that i was going to stop eating, start restricting, do a water cleanse, whatever. i would DECIDE that i was going to do it. but then at some point, usually after waking up in the morning or from a nap when my mental defenses were low, i would realize on some level slightly below full consciousness that i don't want to go back to the bad place of where i was last year at this time, and something would happen that i can't really understand or describe. but basically it leads to eating- a lot. i would almost call it bingeing- it's something close to that, i'm sure. it's like i can't even feel fullness right now, but on some primal level i end up feeling the need to eat and eat and eat because the desire to restrict and starve myself is SO STRONG and i am rebelling against that? this wouldn't be such a bad thing if i were eating good, healthy things. and for the most part i don't touch the junk food that is here, but if i do, once i do, i can't stop. because i never allow it, once the barrier has been broken i find myself eating it as much as i can until the "deadline"-- the time i set for when i have to stop. but then sometimes i can't stop at the deadline and i keep eating it all day long. this feeling of being "out of control" is terrifying, and eating that stuff makes me feel horrible physically. my energy gets super low- i crash, for sure. my body doesn't handle that stuff very well and i don't WANT it to because it's terrible for me. but i know the crash i experience is only partially physical-- it also obviously makes me feel very depressed. so yeah, the meal plan thing isn't working out so well. i never really did a true meal plan, where i planned out specific meals that i would eat. instead, i just eat when i want to and record it and try to keep it at a certain point. but without planning, it's hard to make sure i'm sticking to what i need to. and even if i went over by 50 calories or something, it was so distressing to see that number and know that i screwed up, so i'd just stop recording and eat whatever. this is very new, scary territory and i don't plan on letting it continue any longer. i know this sort of thing is really hard for you to understand. it's hard for anyone to understand who has never had issues with food- the control it can have over you. to be able to just listen to your stomach signals- eat when you're hungry, don't even think of food when you're not hungry- don't eat something if you don't like the taste of it- all of this is something i feel so far from being able to grasp. which is weird, because i was a normal eater my entire life. but i may have jumped back into this too quickly- thinking that i can eat intuitively again. i'm not sure if maybe i should be seeing a nutritionist and actually doing what she says and having some sort of real structured recovery plan, or what. i thought i could do it but it didn't happen at ALL. part of it is because i've never been a real "meal eater," but rather someone who grazes and eats little bits here and there when i feel like i need it. (when i was normal about food, i mean). but this is why i am wanting to cleanse right now. i feel like i am incapable of avoiding eating the things that make me feel physically horrible and guilty, because i'm caught up in this cycle. i think that a cleanse, even if it is only for a few days or a week (but the ideal length for any real cleanse is 10 days), will help me to break the cycle. and after that, i do need to go back to being mostly vegan again because it is a cut and dry method for me to mentally make the sugary junk foods in this house OFF LIMITS. i say mostly vegan because i want to still be able to enjoy the occasional treat or have dinner with your parents and have it not be a big deal. but i'd just need to take digestive enzymes with me for those occasions, and on a day to day basis i would eat a strictly vegan diet. veganism is something that i enjoy. it started out for me before as a way to restrict foods, for sure. and i guess that's why i am going back to it right now. but it was while vegan that i discovered my love for cooking. and it's NOT boring. or, it doesn't have to be if i'm in a good place mentally with food. it's really fun for me to create meals and treats that are truly delicious and break the stereotype of being "vegan." this is a sidenote, because i suspect that i will always lean towards this type of eating. i have to say, that while i have undoubtedly gained some weight recently with this cycle i've been in, that is not the part that bothers me the most. granted i still have a very long way to go in being able to accept my body being larger, but there some times that i don't mind it. when we're in bed together, i like that you have something to grab onto and squeeze. it feels good for me and makes me feel sexy. it's actually not the size of my body that is leading me to cleanse- it's the things i am eating and the feeling that i am not able to get myself out of this. i don't want to become unhealthily thin again or anything like that. i'll obviously lose some weight while cleansing, but a lot of it will just be water weight and will come back when i start eating food again. and if i gain back ALL the weight but am eating healthy, nutritious foods, then so be it. that's perfectly ok. i'm obviously not going to be tracking my weight so the focus is more on how i feel- mentally, physically, and emotionally. right now i feel like CRAP 95% of the time. the first few days of this cleanse are going to be very rough because my body will be detoxing from all the sugar and crap i've been consuming, so i need to get through that rough part and allow for a period of healing afterward. and then focus on feeding my body things that make me feel good. there really are a lot of things about cleansing that can be very beneficial to most people, and i am in a place now where i actually will benefit in those ways. yeah, i'm trying to justify this and convince you that it's not a terrible idea. and i know that you will probably still think it's a terrible idea, and that's fine. but i don't want to feel like i need to avoid you or isolate myself, so i thought i would at least try to explain my reasons. thank you for being wonderful and supportive and for dealing with my near-constant turmoil over this stuff. it's undeniable that you have helped me so much in my recovery and are just really really good for me in that way. i know it's a pain in the ass to have to deal with and sometimes really not easy for you, and i feel very lucky to be with such a patient, caring man. i love you! -me |
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:47:52 AM Post #13 |
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Ninja
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random freaking-out email sent to him, also last september: 40 minutes til ballet. ate too big a breakfast this morning (but it was over 3 hours ago, so it's obvious i am just really that fat, and can't blame it on the meal). really really really really really really really stressed out about having to stand in front of a mirror in these skin tight clothes for an hour. the leggings are a tiny bit tight so there is a bit of bulge-- i don't know if it would be noticeable to others but it is to me, i can feel it as i am sitting here. and my thighs touch at the top. this is so hard! i keep resolving to go back into restriction, starting with a several day fast... but then i think, i am 27. not a 20 year old, a 27 year old. that's 3 years away from 30. i want children. i am a woman and it's ok if i look like a woman and actually have some curves. i hear you telling me that my legs actually look normal now, not "twiggy" or whatever you said. and my head says, "why isn't that good, though? i mean for them to be thinner. HOW isn't that good?" my mind cannot comprehend how bigger would be better. i decide i don't believe you...again. but then i go back to what i want and it is a life free from this ridiculous obsession. i don't want to go back now. i don't want to go back and undo all the work i've done-- i've come so far, and it's a LONG enough road as it is. i need to keep moving forward and try to accept this body. ::deep breaths:: |
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:49:46 AM Post #14 |
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Ninja
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sent in october: hmmm, so i'm feeling bad about falling apart last night. i realize i was saying a lot of things and not making much sense, so i wanted to follow up now that i'm feeling a bit more rational. first, i am sorry if i made you feel like you are not an important part of my life. the reason i have trouble sometimes with opening up to you about "the crazies" in my head is because i get worried about driving you away. i know that's silly, and that you are not going anywhere. i want you to know the same is true for me- i'm not going anywhere. i see this relationship as something permanent in my life, and that makes me very happy. it hasn't been easy for me to accept and believe that you are really sure you want to be with me for the rest of your life, and it's taken me a long time to really feel like i can trust that and know that i want the same. but now that i have... i can't tell you how good it feels to know that we're in this together from here on out. i know that you are so good for me, and that i'm good for you. now, regarding what i was saying last night during my little freak-out. i know that i use my ED to help me cope when life starts to feel overwhelming and there are too many things out of my control. depression factors into this because i get much more easily overwhelmed when i am struggling with the depression. i am not really in as desolate a place as i came across last night... but i'm sure you know that already. i am definitely struggling with this pretty bad right now, but i'm still able to get up and do the things i need to do and be ok for the most part. i am trying to fight hard against this because i don't want to go back on medication unless it's truly a last resort (to me, a last resort is when i stop being able to function on a daily basis like a normal person). i'm usually not opposed to medication for myself when i need it, but right now i'm trying to avoid it for two main reasons: the financial aspect-- it really sucks that my GP is not practicing anymore because that complicates the matter so much more and i just have too many medical bills to pay already. i don't need to add more right now if i can possibly avoid it. but the other part is the pregnancy scare made me think about some things. i want to have children and be able to breast feed, and have to be ok without the anti-depressants for that. i'm not too worried about that because ummm well i'm just pretty sure that carrying a child will make me very happy and also just be so important that i won't be thinking about myself-- but i do know that these particular medications can cause serious birth defects (bethany said a lot of people assumed she was on ADs because HLHS is a big one that comes from those) and so it just freaks me out- the thought that if by chance the birth control did fail, being on medication could be very dangerous. like i said, things seem to get bad when i'm stressed out and feel like too many things are outside of my control. so i need to focus on what i can control and come up with a plan for happiness. i think exercise is very good for lifting my mood (and it's scientifically proven to do so), and yesterday i didn't exercise and it was a very bad day, so i would like to start trying to get up in the morning and exercise first thing. i think it's a good habit to get into, anyway. and maybe i'll look into taking some herbal supplements for that sort of thing- actually, i have some 5-HTP and that is supposed to help with this sort of thing, so i'll start taking that. and.... i don't know. i need to start reading again so i can keep my mind occupied with non-ED things! finding a job i like and making more money would definitely help....but that will come when it does, and maybe i should try to enjoy the free time while i have it? ok, i need to go do other things but feel like i haven't really said much here. i just wanted you to know that i'm okay. :) |
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| Esme | Sep 18 2012, 03:50:45 AM Post #15 |
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sent to him november, when i had been in a particularly deep depression: dear matt, you have been so amazingly supportive and helpful in my recovery. when i think about the fact that we started dating when i was only a month or so into recovery, it seems unbelievable. i can't imagine how hard this path must have been for you, and yet you've stuck with me. i'm so fortunate to have you in my life. last thanksgiving, i was thankful to be with my family-- starting recovery, and not having to spend the entire holiday season in a hospital, as was the plan. this thanksgiving, i'm thankful for you and your incredible support. i have no idea how it is that you've been able to support me throughout everything like you have. it's really amazing to me. i hope you know that it is not something i take for granted. unfortunately, as i recover from my eating disorder, it seems my depression comes out more-- or perhaps not more, but just differently. i'm pretty sure that my eating disorder was just an alternate manifestation of the depression i've dealt with for most of my life. some anorexics are highly functional in the trenches of their illness; i was not, because it was very much a result of my depression. as i make progress in my eating and recovery from the anorexia, the depression is still there. there are times in my life where it's not an issue at all- or, hardly an issue; i may have a sad day or have more difficulty bouncing back from things than the average person, but on a day to day basis i'm good. but i've been in treatment for depression on and off since i was 15. when i was in high school, it was new and not something i knew how to handle, so i resorted to self-injury and all sorts of self-destructive behaviors, but the therapy i went though in high school was IMMENSELY helpful and ever since then, i've felt like i have a remarkably good handle on the illness. i know when it's getting to the point where it's beyond my control and i need to get help, and i do. that's why i've been in and out of therapy and on and off medications; because i have always been good about knowing when i need it (for the past 10 years!). but right now i need it, and i can't have it. when abbey talks about her weekly therapy sessions, i am very envious. i need therapy right now, badly. and i need medication, too. i'm not off medication by choice. i am trying very very hard to be ok without these things, but i know i'd be much better with them right now. i'm dealing with so much, and i do give myself a lot of credit for managing as well as i am, without any therapy or meds, knowing how much i need them right now. i'm telling you this because it seems like my depression is something that is more difficult for you to deal with. the feeling of being helpless, not knowing what to do. i wish i could tell you what is wrong, or what could help, but i can't. i started searching the internet tonight for things that might offer you a little bit of help or guidance in this, because i didn't realize until we talked tonight how hard this is for you. i'm linking a couple sites that seem to have some good advice-- i know this is not something you are able to relate to personally, and i know i can be pretty irrational and difficult to handle at times, so i guess the best thing i can see to do is just talk as openly about it as we can. it's something i'm sure i'll (we'll) have to deal with on and off forever.... honestly, it's something that has, at times when it's really bad and i'm feeling quite hopeless, feel suicidal and not want to continue on and have a family because i worry about how it will affect others in my life. talking to alaina about her depression has been helpful for me in that way, though-- that, and knowing that i DO have a remarkably good understanding/handle on it compared to most people. i really like this website, especially the "things to say" at the bottom of the page: http://www.healingfromdepression.com/caregiver.htm some of this stuff seems not so relevant; but #10 is excellent advice and i think that's exactly the sort of thing i seem to need a lot of the time. http://www.mentalhealthministries.net/links_resources/flyers/CopingWithALovedOnesDepression.pdf http://www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx?id=555 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional_health/depression/how_to_help_when_your_spouse_is_depressed.aspx |
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3:24 PM Jul 11