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I need your help.
Topic Started: Aug 9 2012, 04:53:21 PM (428 Views)
Esme
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Ninja
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sent to him last december:

i'm embarrassed by our conversation tonight. the biggest reason i am embarrassed is because i obviously don't look like i've been restricting. that's why i feel like i have to keep it a secret. i should be thinner than i am. but i'm not because i continue eating daily, and whenever necessary, to avoid causing any problem with you or anybody or any part of my life. the thing is, this is exactly what i did for so long...for the entire time i was with chad....until i stopped. if i'm only eating for the purpose of keeping the peace in my relationships and giving others peace of mind, it's only a matter of time before it blows up. in the meantime, i will just keep losing and gaining the same 10 pounds, restricting for a couple weeks, eating for a week, back and forth and back and forth on this endless track. it's funny, because the only way off that i can see is to give in to the anorexia and just let it take control again. i wish i could let it go completely but i don't even see that as a real possibility-- i just don't know how to do it. i need to figure out a way to get in the mindset of being healthy-- not just with eating, but with everything. i feel like i'm in this pattern of self-destruction, because i'm not happy with where i am or what i'm doing, and i don't feel like i have any purpose. i have trouble imagining any future for myself, and i know that is largely due to this period of limbo that seems to be dragging on as long as it possibly can. but as long as i can't imagine my future, i can't find a reason to love and care for myself. i feel like if i can't go back to school, the anorexia won. it ruined the goals i had and there is nothing i can do about it, so there is no point in putting forth any more effort to beat it. i know that's not fair, i know this is all probably hurtful for you to read. but school was my purpose- my goal- before the anorexia, and in my motivation to recover. if i can't have it back, i will need to readjust my mindset and find something else- another purpose, something else to make me feel like my life is worthwhile. i probably need to do that either way though, actually. it wasn't enough before to just have school...i had it, and was still on a path of self-destruction and couldn't turn around, even when i saw that it was going to ruin everything. i need to figure out how to find worth in myself, how to be healthy and practice self-care for no other reason than myself. that's really hard to admit to you. i think that's all i have to say now... no conclusions or grand revelations here tonight, just had to explain these things a little more before i (hopefully) get some sleep.
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Esme
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Ninja
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ok i'm done for now!
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Feather
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Ninja Star
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I'm so sorry I disappeared for such a long time...
Thanks to all of you for sharing so much with me. Haven't read all of it yet, but I wanted to thank you. I think that could be useful not only for me, so I suggest that we continue this topic, because anyone could use it....
xxxxxx
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Rainbow
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Administrator
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:3 Agreed. Glad to see you back Feather. We were worried about you <3
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Emmy
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^Seconded!
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