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My Book Of Emotions; Just My Thoughts
Topic Started: Jan 9 2006, 11:32 AM (226 Views)
Hannah Rose Gemley
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9th Year Styx; Wizarding Criminology/Care of Magical Creatures

'Why I'm Writing This

So, how to start? Well, mainly I'm writing this for some self-relief. I don't want to bore my friends with my problems and thoughts so it's best to write them down to myself. I've heard that it helps some people and makes them think about their problems less. I hope so. Although, I'm not expecting miracles from this book.

I've just returned from Scotland. My mum found it very hard to let me come back. I hate to leave her when she's crying and hurt but I had no choice. I know she wants me to come back to Scotland and forget about Greece but I just can't do that. It's amazing how much I've learned over the past few years and I have friends that I couldn't bare to leave here. I love to visit her in the holidays, she means so much to me. I wish she could control herself though; sometimes she makes it hard for me to even want to visit. She gets more and more certain that I should stay in Scotland every time I visit. Perhaps I'll ask if she wants to visit me for a change, maybe that'll change her views. Although, I'm not getting my hopes up. Hopefully when she gets back to work after the winter break she'll be distracted and feel better.

It seems like I've missed a lot here since I've been away. It's hard to catch up. It's not so much my studies that are causing me problems, I'm up to date there, just all the social events and even small changes that have happened in my leave. There have been winter events and competitions that I've missed or just caught the end of. I wish I could've been here for Christmas but I did have a good time at home. My mum finds it so hard to cope sometimes; the least I can do is visit.'
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Hannah Rose Gemley
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9th Year Styx; Wizarding Criminology/Care of Magical Creatures

'Fighting My Feelings

I definitely have a lot of questions and things that I don't understand filling up my mind right now. So much seems to have happened to me recently, yet, I don't seem to be able to name them. I suppose it's just my busy mind that's making me feel that I've been doing a lot.

First of all I haven't heard from mother yet which is very strange and also very worrying. I sent Holly with a letter but I've not had a reply yet, Holly hasn't even came back in fact which is another worry in itself. Either my mum has been too busy with work, has just decided to ignore me, Holly's gone off track on the way back to Greece or she's been hurt. I dread the thought. I'm desperate to hear something soon. If not, I may just have to send another school owl and ask why there's such a delay. Although, I hope it doesn't come to that.

But it's not just that which has been bothering me. Not so long ago I bumped into Phil for the second time after I'd arrived here. It seems like years ago when he took me for a tour around the castle then even longer since I saw him at the beach. Things have been confusing between us for a long time and now they've just got even more un-understandable.

It's a long story to how I found him again but I'll cut it short, mainly because my hand's beginning to ache from writing. He told me that he loved me. Sometimes he really does just make me melt. But, the confusing thing is that I couldn't tell him back. It just wouldn't come out no matter how hard I tried to make it. And I do love him, I know I do. I've felt that way for years and I'm certain about it. It was so lovely what he said to me but it hurt so much as well. I just can't understand him sometimes. Maybe I should stop trying to work things out and just go on what I'm feeling. Maybe that would solve my problems.

I'm not sure what's happening between us. I haven't seen him since I took him to the infirmary. I'm going to try and look for him soon or send him a letter or something. I need to let him know how I feel, no matter how hard it's going to be. He needs to know it. I can't keep him waiting.'
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Hannah Rose Gemley
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9th Year Styx; Wizarding Criminology/Care of Magical Creatures

'Reliefs And Struggles

Holly returned safe and sound today with a letter from mum. In the note she says the delay was due to her work, although, I can't be certain that work was the only reason she didn't reply as quickly as usual. I think she's struggling but doesn't know how to say so. I know she feels so lonely at home and that's why she wants me to come back, because she misses me a lot, but I have to stay in Greece - I'm determined to finish my studies here before I go back to Scotland. I love her and hate to see her unhappy like this but I really don't see what I can do, apart from visiting her during holidays. I'll keep writing to her as often as I can and hope for the best.

I'm feeling quite good today as I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I wrote a letter to Phil and sent Holly to deliver it to him. I explained how I was feeling and asked if we could meet and talk because I feel that we really need to resolve the emotions that we seem to be throwing at each other. It took a lot of courage for me to finally send him my note but I did and he replied. He didn't say much but agreed to meet me, which was the outcome I was hoping for.

I realise that now the ball is in my court and it's me who has to explain how I feel to him. It's so difficult, especially when I don't really know exactly how I feel and I just can't explain. I love him with all my heart, I really do, but I find it so difficult to say so. It isn't because I don't want him to know because I do want him to... Feelings are just so hard to handle. I'm feeling really nervous about meeting him tomorrow afternoon but all I can do is hope for the best because I can't keep running away from him. I know he'll be gentle with me - I've never known Phil to be demanding.

I've been so hurt and confused for so long about why Phil decided to move on and leave me behind when he left Olympus. Hopefully tomorrow he'll explain to me. I wish we could be together but I can't bear being hurt like that again. He told me that day by the stables that he loves me, but if he really does why did he leave me so alone?'
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Hannah Rose Gemley
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9th Year Styx; Wizarding Criminology/Care of Magical Creatures

'Finally Telling Him

I met Phil today in the rose gardens... I really don't know how to write all that I'm feeling just now, I'm so happy! He was so patient with me and I told him everything that I felt and I asked him why he'd ended our relationship. His reason for breaking up with me was so that he wouldn't hold me back when he left to go to university. By trying to stop me from missing him he just made me miss him more. It was upsetting to find out that such a simple thought caused us both so much pain but I realise that his intentions were good and his heart was in the right place.

It was really difficult for me to tell him what my emotions were but it felt so good to finally say what I'd needed to say for a year. I even told him that I loved him, and it just felt so amazing to let him know that! We've fixed things now and we're back together. This is just like a dream, I don't know whether to believe that it's real or not. It's almost as if the time we spent apart has just melted away and everything is like it used to be. Of course, I still feel some pain about everything that's happened, I think it'll take a while until I feel completely comfortable again, but I think that's just natural. This whole experience has hurt and I know that it can't be healed immediately but I also know that Phil will be really gentle with me and help me to be as confident around him as I used to be.

Holly was still tired from her last journey so I sent a school owl with a letter to my mum today. I don't want to over-work Holly; she needs to have a rest for a while. I hope mum is okay back in Scotland. I worry about her a lot and I sometimes wonder if she's lonely... I don't want to leave her but I have to study here, I have to do what's best for me even though I feel so terrible when I leave her. I think she's tired as well - work must be hard for her right now. I told her in my letter to just have a break and take it easy for a while. I hope she listens.
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