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Patient #31644; Nate Black just wants to run away
Topic Started: Sep 30 2006, 08:36 PM (102 Views)
Nathaniel Black
Unregistered

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Opening Entry: October 1st
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So here I am, being forced to write in a journal. My therapist says that it’s the best way to deal with all of the aggression that is apparently pent up inside of me. Personally I don’t think that I have any aggression; I’m empty inside, but hey, the doctor knows best, right? I’m not even sure why I’m going to this person anyway, he seems rather odd to me, but my mother thinks it’s the best thing for me. And god help me, despite everything that’s happened between my family and I, I do want to make things right between us. I love my family and I do want to return to them one day; once my father stops blaming me for his death. That’s what hurts the most I think, the idea that he still blames me, after all of these years. It has been what, almost eight years since it happened and still he has not apologised for what he has done to me. Mum tried to make him once but that hadn’t ended well, he had just claimed that he had done and said nothing wrong and stormed out of the room. That was always what dad was like, completely overdramatic. Just like Lizzy, she’s the exact same as him, though I don’t think she sees it yet. She will though, she will come to notice that I am as much like mum as she is like dad.
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Well I spose she can’t be completely like dad. Personality wise maybe, and in their mannerisms; she has the exact same flair for the dramatic, even going so far as to wanting to be an actress, and personally I say good luck to her. In their opinions they could not possibly be more different; while dad has gone on blaming me for everything that happened when I was fourteen, Lizzy doesn’t. She understands me better than dad does, maybe cares for me a bit more as well; she knows that I already blame myself enough for anyone else could possibly do, so she doesn’t blame me at all. Resent me a little, perhaps, for taking Jon away from her; they were the same again, just like Jon was like dad, overdramatic and outgoing. I used to be that way as well I spose, but I’ve changed now and I can’t see myself ever going back to the way I was. I’ve spent too many years here, being the person that I am today to ever really go back and change it.
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A part of me wonders whether that’s what my parents want, and that’s why they’re making me go to this muggle doctor. Dad resents that I was always the quiet smart kid, not like my other two siblings at all, and that I never wanted to go into business with him. Dad’s work at the bank was pretty much talking people into things; something that Jon could do with a quirk of his lips, and something I never really wanted to try to do; it just wasn’t for me. Mum I know doesn’t like the magic; when I suggested going to a healer instead of a muggle she freaked out a bit, before returning to normal and insisting that since they were paying for it, it would be easier if it were a muggle. I know for a fact that she resents my power of phasing, because she used to wince every time I used it when I came home from summer. It’s as much a part of me as anything else is though, and I can’t just forget about it; life doesn’t work that way. But like the fool I am, I simply agreed to it, agreed to go to their doctor and do what they wanted me to. I hadn’t wanted to but my sister had insisted, wanting me to return home again; and I cannot say no to my sister.
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So this is where you find me journal, writing in your against my will, hoping to let out some of my misplaced aggression and maybe work through a few things. Whether this will work or not I don’t know; whether this will even be written in again I don’t know. But maybe one day, when I’m up to it, I’ll address what I did to Jon. That will help I think, but until then, I spose I’ll just blather on like I’m doing now.
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This is going to be a long ride.

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Nathaniel Black
Unregistered

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Entry Dated: October 2
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Writing in this thing every single day is going to be a bore, I can tell that already; just two days into it and I’m already running out of things to write. Of course that’s because I’m avoiding the one thing that I should probably be writing about, the reason that this was made in the first place. But we mustn’t make things too easy for the doctor; after all, my parents are paying quite a bit of money to him to make me all better, to make me presentable to them and their muggle friends. I remember Lizzy telling me that quite a while ago, mentioning in a letter that they were having some sort of function at the bank and everyone was wondering where I was; dad apparently made some little comment about me not being fit for society at the moment. I do suppose that that is one way to put where I am, and explain why I’m no longer seen around Oslo; I think that most of my parent’s friends just think that I am at some exotic Greek University, which is true enough I suppose, though one must wonder what mum says when they ask her what I’m studying. Perhaps I should ask Lizzy to check in on that when they next go out with some client’s family or to some function.
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It’s odd to read over what I just wrote and find myself being so bitter. I know why of course, it’s because I couldn’t think of anything to write about. So I did what I thought was best, and reflected on the past to try to find something that I could talk about, something that I could blather on for long enough to appease the doctor, which brought up all sorts of bad and bitter feelings. I have every right, I do believe, to be at least a little bit bitter towards my parents, for all that they did; of course this doesn’t compare to what I feel towards myself, but again, as I said yesterday, this isn’t the time to think about that, or to write about it. Perhaps when I have nothing else to reflect on, nothing else to say, I can start on what I’m feeling towards that particular event. Even then, when I finally am ready to write about it I’m not sure how much I’ll end up writing about it all; it will be more of a reflection of my own feelings towards it now, seven years on, than anything else. But then again, they do say that I am a very reflective guy.
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So why don’t we try to talk about what’s new and different about this year, compared to last; that seems as good a topic as any for this entry of mine. I’ve finally made it big in the School Council; while for the past two years I have been a faithful Dioscuri member of the council, and helping students as much as I can, this year I have moved it up, to become a member of the Student Leader group, as the secretary. I must say that it’s a good place for me; I’m not president or vice president material, I think that that much as easy to see from even just once meeting me; I’m too softly spoken, and I certainly don’t speak enough or with enough force to fit either of them. And I’m pretty useless with numbers, keeping track of things, and figuring out a budget; treasurer was certainly out. I do listen well though, and I like to pay close attention to people and watch to see what they do, how they react and most importantly what they say; being a secretary, taking the notes in the meeting is perfect for me and I know it. Like I said before, I’m the quiet kid, the one that no one really takes a whole lot of notice of but notices everyone else; I’ve often said that should I not have ended up a wizard and stayed in the muggle world I would have ended up a profiler, I always found that idea interesting. The wizarding criminology course was so tempting when I was choosing my major, but I couldn’t ignore my natural talents. Maybe I would have been a psychiatrist instead, I do have that bit of apathy that would have stopped me from getting too attached to my patients, and I love to know what makes people do what they do; this is usually done in retrospect and not when I’m actually talking to them, but that still would have worked, I think.
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Well there’s a thought why I’m actually filling in this journal then. Not because I respect what it’s supposed to achieve; personally I think that it’s all a load of shit. And not because I respect who I’m doing this for either; it’s no secret that I’m only doing this because I was ordered to, but I’m not doing it for the doctor, and not for my family either. Not even for Lizzy, who I love so dearly, because I know that she needs me back with her and our parents where even I think I almost belong. I’m doing this because I trust in the profession and I could easily imagine myself giving this task to someone else. I hate being called a hypocrite, and I would like to avoid it at all costs; so here I am, writing in this because although it won’t help me personally, it might make that doctor become a better doctor.
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Reading that over now it all sounds like a crock, so maybe I’m wrong. Hell, I know I’m wrong, I’m writing in this because I am the good little boy that everyone says I am; I belong in Dioscuri after all. Ah well, at least now I know I can bullshit with the best of them. Hmm, I must tell Penn that; he’ll find it amusing.

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