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Ahem...
Topic Started: Aug 13 2007, 05:20 PM (2,996 Views)
Flamingo
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Penis goes in here
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A riveting sex life you must have.
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NeoAegis
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It wouldn't be hard to use grammar and ambiguity to work this on my favor, so I'm just gonna let you think it up.
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Flamingo
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Haha, and I shall.
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Katastrof
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Hijacking the thread:


I watch him as he fiddles with his watch. He unbuckles the latch of his timepiece very slowly, almost methodically, and then draws his hand away from it. He studies all its intricate features and then gradually starts to slip it off his wrist. However, it never comes off his arm. The second the watch moves over his fingers his hand spasms and in an instant he has buckled it back on, staring at it intensely. As if it might run off his hand if he didn’t. As though he would die if he stopped gazing at it with his eyes. It’s a peculiar ritual, one that he does again and again, each time with the same look of fear and wonder.

Oh and with what wonder I look onto him! The man shakes nervously as if waiting to be struck by lightning. He looks from side to side with a paranoid glare, his broken glasses trapping the crazed look in his eyes. He has a black 5 o’clock shadow and dark sullen cheeks to enhance it. The flesh on his skull is pulled so tight that it looks like you could play music on his head if it were completely hollow. His broken nose suggests that it is.

An obvious drunk, I think; his tattered overcoat and messy black hair underline that fact.

Obvious drunks are a blessing and a curse in my line of work. They’re a blessing because you know they’ll always come back to the bar and line your pocket with silver. Make you a slightly richer man; help you through the hard times. They can also be a nightmare to the average barkeep. They can cause a lot of trouble with their impaired actions; enough trouble to ruin a good business night. Trouble like stumbling around the shop, harassing customers, hitting on bar wenches, and the worst of all; theft. Having property stolen rarely makes a man richer, now does it?

No it doesn’t and I also realize that pondering over their strange existence isn’t helping either. I stop gazing at the ‘watchman’ from across the counter and continue washing the stained beer mugs. I take the cloth from my belt and start cleaning the excess drink in each glass. I need drunks to fill my pockets, but I also need glasses to fill my drunks! I place each drinking container on the counter while a few of my lazy-eyed customers drink their poison nearby.

^
^ A little excerpt from my short story "The Watchman"

Come on Neo step it up. :must pay troll to cross:
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"Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero"(Seize the day put no trust in tomorrow)
~ Horace
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Flamingo
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Interesting, what's it about and what inspired you to write it?
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koala
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The Flamigo is violently being raped by a gorilla, "stop, STOP!!!!!" he yells. The zookeeper laughs in amusement. With the syrum slowly kicking in the flamingo realizes that he is powerless. He now knows that he is going to die a violent death. "if only I hadn't smoked that marijuana I wouldn't even be IN this mess. DAMN YOU MARIJUANA!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!"

-an excerpt from my short story, The flamingo that got date raped by a gorilla and a disturbed zookeeper, and if that flamingo had never touched that marijuana he would have never been in this mess








Hijacking the thread:


I watch him as he fiddles with his watch. He unbuckles the latch of his timepiece very slowly, almost methodically, and then draws his hand away from it. He studies all its intricate features and then gradually starts to slip it off his wrist. However, it never comes off his arm. The second the watch moves over his fingers his hand spasms and in an instant he has buckled it back on, staring at it intensely. As if it might run off his hand if he didn’t. As though he would die if he stopped gazing at it with his eyes. It’s a peculiar ritual, one that he does again and again, each time with the same look of fear and wonder.

Oh and with what wonder I look onto him! The man shakes nervously as if waiting to be struck by lightning. He looks from side to side with a paranoid glare, his broken glasses trapping the crazed look in his eyes. He has a black 5 o’clock shadow and dark sullen cheeks to enhance it. The flesh on his skull is pulled so tight that it looks like you could play music on his head if it were completely hollow. His broken nose suggests that it is.

An obvious drunk, I think; his tattered overcoat and messy black hair underline that fact.

Obvious drunks are a blessing and a curse in my line of work. They’re a blessing because you know they’ll always come back to the bar and line your pocket with silver. Make you a slightly richer man; help you through the hard times. They can also be a nightmare to the average barkeep. They can cause a lot of trouble with their impaired actions; enough trouble to ruin a good business night. Trouble like stumbling around the shop, harassing customers, hitting on bar wenches, and the worst of all; theft. Having property stolen rarely makes a man richer, now does it?

No it doesn’t and I also realize that pondering over their strange existence isn’t helping either. I stop gazing at the ‘watchman’ from across the counter and continue washing the stained beer mugs. I take the cloth from my belt and start cleaning the excess drink in each glass. I need drunks to fill my pockets, but I also need glasses to fill my drunks! I place each drinking container on the counter while a few of my lazy-eyed customers drink their poison nearby.

^
^ A little excerpt from my short story "The Watchman"

This is pretty terrible. You are trying too hard. Like forrester says. "you're first draft must flow from you, disreguarding all grammatical error and spelling." THe SECOND draft is for editing and repair. My advice to you is..... keep flying your little planes.







A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
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Flamingo
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I have that book in my collection. Bear, will you so kindly autograph it for me?
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koala
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Flamingo
Jan 24 2008, 02:58 AM
I have that book in my collection. Bear, will you so kindly autograph it for me?

I saw what katastrof was doing and I HAD to jump at this chance to make a joke, sadly that was the best I could come up with on short notice.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
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Katastrof
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Wow bear, I thought my story was good, YOURS BLOWS mine right out of the water! <Insert Flamingo joke here> Dammit everything I try to do there's always somebody better than me. I guess I better go jump off a bridge because a person on the internet told me I'm terrible. :the sui of the cide:

Joking aside, gotta say Gophers stories are my inspiration... :mentally challenged monkey:
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~ Horace
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Flamingo
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Katastrof
Jan 24 2008, 01:05 AM
YOURS BLOWS mine right out of the water! <Insert Flamingo joke here>

Oh, I'll insert SOMETHING alright...

Ah, Gopher. It's about time he jumped out of the floorboards again.
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NeoAegis
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Bear's story is poor in every regard.


Katastrof, you might wanna work on flow.
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Katastrof
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Meh, it picks up when you get further in to it. Flows not the problem though, I overwrote the beginning that's all. I forced the it out and tried to make it very wordy. I left the intro for a couple days and then came back to it. Honestly its pretty good, the idea at least is very interesting. It's a work in progress of course.
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"Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero"(Seize the day put no trust in tomorrow)
~ Horace
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Flamingo
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What's the idea? Are you planning to send it out to publishers? I'm glad you have so much confidence in it.
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NeoAegis
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Wordiness messes with the flow. Unnecessary wordiness, anyways.
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koala
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NeoAegis
Jan 24 2008, 06:05 PM
Bear's story is poor in every regard.


Katastrof, you might wanna work on flow.

HA! like YOU have any credibility! You're a hack!

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
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