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"Article" I Wrote
Topic Started: Nov 15 2007, 10:26 PM (605 Views)
Flamingo
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As some of you may know, I have a Youtube channel. I'm planning on starting to make videos in December where I will present Top Ten Lists of things among other topics. Here is an article I wrote which will be the first video I'll make, I'm looking to see how you guys think it is. Criticize it to your heart's content, tear it apart, whatever. Just tell me what you think. Thanks.

Top Ten Worse Toys

10. Magic 8 Ball- A toy designed to fuck with little children’s minds providing them with false hope and shattered dreams. Here’s a typical Magic 8 Ball encounter. “Wow, a Magic 8 Ball! Am I going to become rich?” No. And there you have it, the reason why there’s so many hobos. But it could be just as bad as getting the yes answer, the kid will just go through life doing nothing thinking he’s going to miraculously win the lottery or something. So really, the Magic 8 Ball gives birth to hobos.

9. Legos- An obvious ploy to kill children. Small, itsy bitsy colorful pieces that look like candy but are really made out of hard plastic can end the life of a three year old who stumbles upon them. It is also an enemy of feet. If you get up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, you will get at the very least about twenty of these things imbedded into your feet painfully.

8. Etch-N-Sketch- This has to be the stupidest toy on the list. All it’s good for is drawing weird geometric shapes which isn’t all that thrilling. But hey, you know what’s fun to do with an Etch-N-Sketch? Making square boobies. Actually, no, no it isn’t. If you get turned on by square boobies, you must also get turned on by building blocks. It would be a very awkward situation if you ever walked into a pre-school.

7. Bop It- A toy made by Nazis. You must follow the toys strict orders of bopping, twisting, and pulling unless you want to be severely punished. The game also helps men learn how to beat their wives. “Make my dinner! Make my dinner!” And when you get bored with the game you can just use it a as a club. “Make my dinner! Make my dinner!” To make matters worse, this game also has some kind of sexual touch to it but I just can’t place my finger on what it is…*Pull pull-it rod.* This toy is great for the whole dysfunctional family, so you better buy them before Ike Turner grabs ‘em all!

6. Life- Hey, another game on the list that makes hobos! Armed with more pieces than a baby can choke on, Life really fucks with you. What I find weird is that Life is short. It ends as soon as you get married, yet, it continues on. Happy Honeymoon, ha, that’s an oxymoron. As you continue to play, you’ll get blessed with children that you’ll put in your car and you’ll learn as you move the car, your kids will fall off, and then you’ll just keep driving because whose going to miss little Joey anyway. You’ll come across a couple of depressing spaces like “House hit by Tornado” and “Mid-Life Crisis” and who can forget “Have A Family Game Night!” But just like regular Life, you can always quit the second you become too angry with your brother being more successful than you. So in conclusion, playing the game Life makes children less enthusiastic about their future because as they learned in the game, Life sucks.

5.Easy Bake Oven- A punch in the face for Feminism, the Easy Bake Oven teaches young girls that their future lies in cooking and cooking only and that their place is in the kitchen and not a high paying job as a lawyer or doctor. While little boys are playing doctor and diagnosing Tickle-Me-Elmo with AIDS, little girls are learning how to make Oreo pies for their inconsiderate future husbands who will surely beat them with a Bop It.

4. Hungry, Hungry, Hippos- While the Easy bake Oven teaches little girls to slave themselves in the kitchen, Hungry, Hungry, Hippos teaches kids something much worse. Over eating and obesity. The hippos just keep eating and eating and eating and eating and never stop. How can you play this game and not get hungry? So you may blame McDonalds and other fast food restaurants over the Obesity Epidemic, but look past them and see who the real masterminds behind all this is, the Hungry, Hungry, Hippos who teach us that it’s ok to gobble up balls.

3. Horse On A Stick- A toy devised by a Vlad the Impaler and Sopranos partnership, this toy is severely traumatic. It consists of decapitated horse head on a stick which is supposed to give the illusion that it’s a horse and that you can ride it like freakin’ John Wayne into the sunset. The only problem is that it’s a crappy illusion and it is clearly a decapitated horse head on a stick and no amount of imagination can change that. If you get this toy for Christmas, someone clearly hates you and wants you dead.

2. Sea Monkies- Don’t let this one fool you. Sure, it says you can create an underwater utopia of sea monkeys that you can rule with an iron fist as they worship you and your might. But as soon as you get started you will learn the terrifying truth. Sea monkeys are not monkeys with gills at all, they are tiny white little blobs. So instead of breeding sea monkeys, you got stuck with semen.

1. Bratz- The worse toy on the market because it teaches without a doubt for girls to be mindless whores at the age of 7! Damn, talk about jail bait. These toys have to be designed by pedophiles everywhere!

These ones here are Easy Sally, Backseat Maria, and Doggy Style Tina.

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To combat this hell toy, I suggest we create a Chris Hansen doll. Before we know it, girls will stop playing with these My First Hooker dolls and learn the true meaning of their lives. Cooking. Make my dinner, bitch!
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Bigfoot
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The least shitty of the shittiest.
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Wow, great list.

Though, I think the Tickle me Elmo doll makes bratz look like saints
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Dizzarth Stumpy
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just don't say anything and you'll be fine. your accent is atrocious.
STUMPY WAS RIGHT. HIS TOUCHING SOLILOQUY HAS MOVED ME, TRULY A MANIPULATOR OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. I HAVE ALLOWED HIM USAGE OF HIS PREVIOUS ACCOUNT.
EHRHRHRHRNGGHH
LC is the best and brought back my embarassing sex tapes.
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Flamingo
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Dizzarth Stumpy
Nov 15 2007, 08:07 PM
your accent is atrocious.

Urgh, I know. I hate my voice, but whatever.
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NeoAegis
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The start was really dry. The words and transitions were not conducive to comedy. It got better at Bop It, and the subsequent items.

However, I was left a bitter taste by the HHH one. "It teaches children it's okay to gobble up balls." I just saw a "Which isn't that far from McDonald's and their testicular meat hamburgers" hanging around there somewhere.


Also, good ending because I was about to say that you were a huge failure for supporting feminism and women not cooking.
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Flamingo
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I've written a couple of other articles, and I've noticed my beginnings were always terrible and it improved as it went down the list. I suck at starting things off, but hey, the finish is usually a blast...
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NeoAegis
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I suggest you fix it; if the beginning doesn't quickly catch the attention of the reader, they won't bother.
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Flamingo
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Of course, and perhaps add a short monologue at the beginning instead of jumping straight into the list? I might just delete the Legos part and fix the Magic 8 Ball and Etch-N-Sketch because I think I can actually work well with those, I just don't have anything solid to say with the Legos.
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Lyncanthro
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I like that, good work and I have to say I agree with you on the Bratz, lol can't wait to see it
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The_Nahga
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Lyncanthro
Nov 16 2007, 03:05 AM
I like that, good work and I have to say I agree with you on the Bratz, lol can't wait to see it

at least Bratz wear underwear.
Barbie for all her classy exterior is a closet freak who run around sans panties or bra.
No seriously, go fuck yourself......
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Comrade Jim
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http://uk.youtube.com/user/groovyflamingoboy for those whose who don't stalk flamingo

Apply for a job at cracked.com they do nothing but lists
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http://www.counterorder.com/nihilism.html http://www.resnet.trinity.edu/ddamon/hiero...exicon_menu.htm http://www.dcpoliticalreport.com/PartyLink.htm http://ninjagrizzlybear.azurenight.com/fightclub.htm
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Flamingo
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Ha, I'll work at Cracked as soon as all my dignity is stripped from me. And anyway, I plan to do more than just lists.
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NeoAegis
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*takes another drag*


Actually, I had thought that this looked very Cracked-like, but failed to mention it due to not remembering. The humor is very... Pop culture oriented, aimed at college students and middle to late twenties. They also use obscurity sometimes, but all their writing isn't particularly funny as it is mildly amusing.
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Flamingo
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I got inspired by Crack's style to write this and others. I find them funny at times and sometimes they just fall flat on their faces with really terrible articles. Like the "The Top 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World" was a major letdown.
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