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| "Loss"; August 27-28th | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 25 2016, 04:26 AM (16 Views) | |
| Allyson Grace Morrow | Oct 25 2016, 04:26 AM Post #1 |
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I walked through the house, empty and quiet, my footsteps echoing on the floor as I walked just to walk, my phone clutched in my hand. An open gaping hole in my chest I felt like the entire world could see as I leaned against the wall and took a breath, heaving it in so hard it almost hurt… If I could have felt anything. Leaning my head back against the wall I stared into the reflection that looked back at me from the large mirror I had hung in this hallway; a memory pricked at my brain… His laughter at the sight of the mirror. ‘Very Alice through the looking glass’ he had said, teasing me as I pointed it out to him, he had relented and hung it, because I wanted it, because he would do anything for me -and once upon a time; I had believed that to be something good. Now, as I stared into that same stupid mirror the idiocy of that perfect ideal, the fairytale awash with never spoken promises of forever; of never being afraid bit at me like bile in my throat… I was an idiot, I had always been afraid. And of course, he could see it… I could smash the mirror, fracture my reflection into the hundred tiny fragments my soul felt like inside… Cut my hand perhaps, feel a real pain for a second, remember what that was like; to care about such stupid pointless things as blood and hurt and the physicality of life…. But like everything else it just felt pointless; it would still sit there, broken and hanging, a reminder of another moment of weakness and the only way to get through this, the only possible chance of survival was to be strong… I had looked into the eyes of people I called my friends and promised that I could be strong, that I knew we would make it through and as the words left my mouth I understood perfectly why he would never use that word; they are too easy to make… Too easy to break… The only certainty was that so long as he was there, so long as I could feel the cutting chill and agony of him missing in my body; I was empty, I was weak… I was nothing without him and though before now that has been just words… I knew that they meant now. I know what it means to suffer loss and to have it linger and as I met the eyes of myself in that reflection all I could feel was hate for my failures. I had let him go, how could I not have known? Have stirred? Have woken and told him no… This wasn't his fight. My own reflection was like a picture of someone I don't recognise. To stare into the eyes of an empty void and know that no one can see it; how do you describe that loss and that fear? How do you tell someone else the pain inside, the unending torment of knowing what they are doing… You can’t. You don't. And so I sit here in the hall, leaning against the walls painted colours I picked out, staring into the mirror we hung at my request and I stare into the face of someone I never recognised… When he comes home, this will change… I will be his and only his; I will prove my dedication, I will return the debt he is paying in my honor. OFF CAMERA: Sunday August 28 23:45 Ally & Kaden’s Home - New York I thought I knew happiness, if someone had asked me a week before to describe true elation I stupidly would have presumed to know it, I'd have reeled off a hundred different moments in time that no longer matter… Because happiness, true happiness is one single moment that will carry you through every dark moment, every pain to come and mine? It took an hour or so; when he had finally walked through the door and I had fought with every fibre of my being not to run to him; through all he had said, the lies and pushing, he had known it wouldn't be enough… That I wouldn't… Couldn't give up. When he had first come, I had asked him if this was what he wanted; he had said, of course as I knew he would that my place was at his side, but the words were hollow and empty, he had not returned to himself, I had to wait... And so for a little over an hour I simply quietly sat and watched him, I studied every inch of him as he tried to walk normally, not wanting a limp to betray the physical pain that could not possibly rival the other pains ravaging him. I was patient and good and quiet, I did not speak or push, a million questions sat on my tongue and I bit down on it just to be sure not one would slip out, he was here, he had come back to me; almost… I felt him sit beside me, not a word to be spoken between us but when I caught his gaze and looked into the eyes of the man I had sworn my fealty to, the man whom held every single fragment of me in his hands, I could hear his love for me screaming from those eyes and I fell into him… That is pure happiness, the moment of acceptance and love, wordless and quiet… To so many others it would be nothing, a husband wrapping his arms around his wife. But to me, this was everything; I was still his, all I wanted to be… And this time, I was determined to stare into a reflection of the woman he deserved, there would be no more moulds… I did not belong like this on the outside… But that could wait as my body melted to his and I finally felt home, his fingertips danced across my face brushing hair from it as I leaned into him, feeling my eyelids heavy and my body weak, all fight gone from me as I wanted to just give into the moment… “Meine Königin” And so, finally.. I am at peace. |
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