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As per Derek's request, here it is... may God help me.

Woodchipper Massacre (1989)

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How... how in the flying fuck did this bloodless, shot-on-shitteo pile of trash ever see the inside of a video store? Dread Central's review tells me that the film was pre-sold to its distributor before a single frame of footage was shot, and I believe it. Even the more subpar Friday the 13th and Halloween ripoffs had at least some gore and nudity to make the abysmal plot, writing, and acting worthwhile. Here, though, it's pretty much the opening "twenty minutes with jerks" of so many horror movies extended to ninety. I had to force myself to sit through all ninety minutes of this lousy piece of shit, and that's even with commentary by a reviewer of bad movies who was able to ask the director what he was thinking.

The acting in this film is uniformly abysmal. Everybody either underacts or hams it up to a hideous degree, making not a single line in the film believable. Aunt Tess in particular looks and sounds like a woman in her thirties wearing a gray wig and frumpy clothes and putting on her worst "old lady" voice, never once being even remotely convincing as an old crone. The script wastes half the film trying in vain to make us care about these fleshbags, with scenes including, but not limited to, repairing a lawnmower, running outside to check the mail, playing air guitar, and learning how to prepare a turkey for dinner. A scene where the characters are watching a violent horror movie on TV has said film conveyed (mostly off-screen) through laughably fake grunts and screams that officially made me forgive every filmmaker who used Atari-era bleeps and bloops to represent a modern video game. Scenes drag on for far too long, the poor sound quality makes it nearly impossible to hear the characters speak at times, and the music is so heavy on the keyboards and synths that it feels like something made in the modern day as a parody of an '80s slasher. On every possible level, from the story to the mere technical aspects, this film is a disaster.

As noted above, this would have been at least partly worth it if the film contained at least a few decent kills... but nope. The blood you see on the poster is more than what appears throughout the entire length of the film. This is a film called Woodchipper Massacre, and not only is the first kill (out of two) about thirty-five minutes into the film, all of the bloodshed is off-screen! This film contains literally no payoff for all of its awfulness, making it ninety minutes of my time shoved down a woodchipper.

Score: 1 out of 5

This movie is beyond awful. I'd call it a disgrace to celluloid, but it was shot with a crappy '80s camcorder, so no celluloid was involved, thankfully. Not even Rifftrax could save this one.

God damn you, Derek.
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Bang, bang from the closet walls / The schoolhouse walls / The shotgun's loaded

My stories: Burned / Untold Tales from the Zombie War

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