| Welcome to Fear Itself! |
| Black Xmas: NYC; A Fanfiction By Kibby | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Feb 24 2013, 02:44 PM (328 Views) | |
| Kibby1313 | Feb 24 2013, 02:44 PM Post #1 |
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Deputy
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Cast of Characters: Kelli Presley Joanna Kitt (Melissa’s sister) Margot Hannon (Lauren’s sister) Anna Mathis (Dana’s sister) Bobby Lee (Heather’s Father) Helen Lee (Heather’s Mother) Karen Autrey (Kyle’s sister) Josh Porter (Mrs. Mac’s nephew) Courtney Hightower (Megan’s married sister) Adam Agnew (Eve’s brother) Dan Noel (front desk clerk) Clement Moore (senior security guard at hotel) Mike Feliz (NYPD cop, love interest for Kelli) The Killer Various minor characters (Note: This was originally written over a two-week period in 2007, so if the technology references seem odd, just remember that I was attempting to figure out what technology would be like five years into the future. I'll post a chapter a day here until all ten chapters are complete). BLACK CHRISTMAS: NYC CHAPTER 1 Running. Running. Must keep running! The girl ran down the hallway of the hospital, smashing into a cart being pushed by an orderly. The killer grabbed her foot, but the girl was able to kick away. “Miss?” she heard a voice question. Must keep running! She quickly reached a railing and looked down. The fall was at least four stories, and would most likely kill her. She turned to stare the killer straight in the eyes as he grabbed her throat. She began to… “Miss?” Jolted awake, Kelli Presley realized the cab driver was talking to her. “What?” she questioned. “You were really asleep there, weren’t you,” said the cabby in his thick New York accent. “Good to catch a catnap around the holidays. Stress and all. I was just askin’ if this was your first trip to Manhattan?” “Yes,” said Kelli tersely, as she stared out the window. “Well, la tee da,” thought the cabby. ”Somebody’s not in the Christmas spirit.” The fact of the matter was, Kelli was never in the Christmas spirit anymore. Not after what happened Christmas Eve 2006. Not after Billy and Agnes Lenz had butchered her friends. She was the only one to survive the tragedy. There were many days she wished she hadn’t. Her depression had gotten so bad that her parents thought about having her committed. Her mother and father eventually split up. She finished college at a different school, but had never been able to conquer her depression totally. It had just cost her another good job. Maybe winning this trip to New York would help set her straight with herself. The therapy had helped a little. The pills helped more, but now she popped them like they were candy from a Pez dispenser. The alcohol also seemed to help, but Kelli knew that none of these was the ultimate answer. She needed closure on that part of her life. She wondered if she would ever get it. At the Donner Hotel, Dan Noel was busily checking his PDD (personal data device) when a woman in her early to mid-20s approached the front desk. “Welcome to the Donner,” said Dan, in that fakey I’d-rather-be-anywhere-but-here voice he often employed. “Checking in? May I have your name, please?” “Yes, Anna Mathis,” the drop-dead gorgeous woman replied. Suddenly, Dan sprung to attention. “Why yes, Ms. Mathis. We’ve been expecting you. We have the suite ready for you. The number’s on the sleeve of the keycard. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Marco will help you with your bags.” “Thank you,” came the short reply. “I assume he will unpack them neatly.” “Why, yes, ma’am. Marco is the best.” said Dan. Marco and Anna disappeared into the elevator, headed for the 44th floor. “Wow. What a *****!” though Dan. He turned to his assistant. “Hey, Joey, cover for me for a minute, would ya. I gotta make a call.” Joey got up from his laptop screen and assumed the front desk position, while Dan ducked back into a nearby closet. He quickly dialed his cellphone. “Are they all here?’ said the voice on the other end. “All but one,” came Dan’s reply. “She’s probably in traffic. Her flight arrived more than an hour ago.” “Remember, do not start phase 2 until she has arrived,” the hushed voice said. “Contact me then.” “I will.” Dan said. “Listen, you’re asking a lot of me, here. I’m not sure the money will be enough.” “Just do as we planned,” the now irritated voice said. “We’ll talk about increasing your compensation later.” “Fine,” Dan said, equally irritated, as he hung up and headed back to the front desk. “So anyway, me and the missus are leaving tomorrow to go see her folks in Boston. That is, if that ice storm they’re forecastin’ misses us,” the cabby droned on to Kelli. Boston, Kelli thought. That always brought back thoughts of the Deltas. She got out her wallet and looked at picture of her and some of the girls from a happier time. They were all dead. Kelli was all alone. They never did rebuild the sorority house, even after six years. “Who would ever want to live there anyway?” she thought. “Live where, Miss?” the cabby asked. “Oh, just somewhere I used to live when I was in college,” Kelli sighed. She didn’t even realize she had asked the question out loud. “Well, here we are. The Donner. That’ll be $38.50,” the cabby said matter-of-factly. Kelli paid and tipped him as a bellhop immediately swooped in to grab her luggage. She entered the hotel and went straight to the front desk. The video board above the desk read, “4:55 Pm, 34 degrees, December 23rd. Forecast….ice with possibly heavy accumulations. Low around 30. cold tomorrow, little temperature change.” “Vroom. Vroom. Varoooom!” Came a voice from behind her. A little boy wearing dark glasses bumped into her. “David!” shouted a woman as she came up behind him. “I’m so sorry, ma’am. These new Avatax glasses the kids wear today. They’re completely surrounded by their video games, and don’t even know the world around them still exists. David, what do you say to the nice lady?” “Sorry,” the little boy mumbled, as he went back to his racing game. “That’s quite all right,” Kelli said. Her latest pills had taken effect, and she was feeling more even-keeled than she had all day. “Hello, welcome to the Donner.” said Dan. He recognized Kelli immediately from the photo he had been supplied. “ May I have your name please?” “Kelli Presley.” “Why yes, Ms. Presley. Congratulations on winning your trip. Thomas will assist you with your bags. Your suite is all ready. Please contact us if there’s anything we can do to make your stay more enjoyable.” “Thank you,” Kelli said tersely, as she took the keycard from Dan’s hand. She and Thomas disappeared into the elevator, and headed for the 45th floor. Dan waited about 90 seconds to make certain the turbo elevator had gotten them up to the floor, then he asked Joey to again cover for him. Aggravated at the interruption, Joey still sprung to his position like a good little soldier. Dan ducked into a nearby closet. He rapidly dialed the number. “Is she here?” questioned the mysterious voice. Dan quickly checked his PDD. “She has arrived at her suite.” “Very well. Begin phase 2.” “I want more money.” Dan said. “Listen, we had an agreement.” “I don’t give a rat’s *** about our agreement. And I know you keep saying that it can never be traced to me. Well, I think that’s bull****.” After a long pause, the voice asked, “How much?’” “Another $150,000.” Another long pause. “Check your locker in two hours,” said the voice matter-of-factly. “You’ll find a PDD with instructions on how to transfer the money to the account in the Caymans.” “it had better be there,” threatened Dan. “I assure you, Mr. Noel. It will be there. Now commence phase 2 immediately.” Dan closed his cellphone. He took out a specially-designed PDD he had been given. The keyboard folded out into position. Dan logged into the network and entered a pre-determined IP address. He immediately jumped into a secured socket, with a question mark flashing on screen. he keyed in the numbers and word he had been instructed: 12/24/06 Kappa. He stared at the screen for a moment. Once he hit transmit, there was no turning back. He thought about the money. His right thumb hit the transmit key. It had begun. |
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| GreatNorthern | Mar 3 2013, 12:20 AM Post #21 |
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Token Minority
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Oh wow. Where to begin. I'm God-awful at writing proper, lengthy reviews so this is what I can come up with ~ First of all, everything about this is smart. I wouldn't expect so many uses of codes and science-y stuff in a fan-written piece of fiction (this, of course, is a good thing). I loved the dialogue; it felt real, and the characters were interesting, smart, and mostly likable (Margot obviously being the exception), and with just 10 short chapters you did a fine job at fleshing the characters out. Although I felt the grand reveal lacked a little in explanation, and some of the characters died before they were even properly introduced (and not in the "opening kill" kind of way), the torture scenes were messed up and disturbing (good), and the death scenes throughout were all memorable and painful. I would give it an 8 out of 10. I'd be very interested in reading whatever else you write (zombiethumbsup) |
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| Kibby1313 | Mar 3 2013, 12:50 AM Post #22 |
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Deputy
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Thank you so much for the review! I'd be curious to hear what you thoughts specifically could have been done to help with "the grand reveal". When i wrote this originally, I was under deadline, and I agree that the reveal could definitely be improved. Would love to hear your ideas for improving it. (PM or use spoiler tags for the sake of others reading). One thing that bothered me about how I wrote this was that I depended too much on the audience reading it to be very familiar with Black Xmas 06. So much time has passed that the characters needed to be fleshed out more. Totally agree. Wanted to make this seem as realistic as I could, without knowing what the world would be like in 2012. i gambled on additional terrorist attacks on the USA, and am so very glad that part of the story never happened in real life! Hard to imagine all the changes to the world since I wrote this. Knew nothing of iPads, Facebook, Tumbler, etc. when I originally wrote this in '07. Again, thank you so much for the review. Will post more of my writings another time. |
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8:34 PM Jul 10