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The Pun Exchange
Topic Started: Nov 6 2013, 08:21 AM (8,115 Views)
JazzGuyy
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Balcony Gang, Foist Class
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I know there are at least some other Balconeers who share my love for puns (which are both the highest and lowest form of humor simultaneously) so I thought it might be a good idea to create a thread for us to exchange our favorite puns (and other wordplay is permitted as well).

I'll start off with one of my favorites.

An emergency room doctor frequented a watering hole near his hospital after his long shifts. He got to know the bartender quite well. One day a child seriously injured in an auto accident was admitted to the emergency room. The doctor, with diligent effort, was able to save the child. He was surprised when he went to tell the child's parents the happy outcome that the father was the bartender. The bartender was extremely grateful of course and told the doctor that he wanted to do something to honor him. He said he would create a new drink just for the doctor.

Well, the next time the doctor dropped by the bar, the bartender told him to wait a minute while he whipped up the drink he had created to honor the doctor. A couple of minutes later he presented the doctor with a frozen concoction that had a roasted hickory nut floating on the top. The doctor took a sip and was delighted with the drink. He then asked the bartender what he called the drink. The reply: "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc!"
TANSTAAFL!
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CliffClaven
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After the waters receded Noah let the animals off the ark and told them to go forth and multiply. A couple of snakes just sat there, looking a little embarrassed. "We can't multiply," they said. "We're adders."

Noah told them to go forth anyway and do their best.

Some time later Noah happened by a fallen tree. Sunning on it were the two snakes, surrounded by baby snakes. They smiled. "It turns out adders can multiply on a log."

(Use this to identify the math geeks in your crowd)
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panzer the great & terrible
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Mouth Breather
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The hickory daiquiri got used in a Rocky and Bullwinkel episode (with a different setup).

My little girl was impatient because it was raining and she couldn't go out and play. My Communist friend Rudolf told her not to worry, it would stop in just a few minutes. She asked me how he could tell, and I said, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
Life is just a bowl of cherries, it's too mysterious, don't take it serious...
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mort bakaprevski
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My favorite pun exchange:

Chico: You can't come in unless you give the password.
Groucho: Well, what is the password?
Chico: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Groucho: Is it Mary?
Chico: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Groucho: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Chico: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Groucho: I got it. Haddock.
Chico: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Groucho: What do you take for a haddock?
Chico: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Groucho: Say, I'd walk a mile for a Calamel.
Chico: You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it.

And, how many of us are old enough to remember the Camel cigarette ad allusion?
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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panzer the great & terrible
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I sure am.

It's nice to have a Feghoot/ shaggy dog thread.

But there are also vegetable jokes.

A guy who sacrifices an extremity for his faith? A toe martyr.

Indigent Asian? A po Tartar.

More impolite panhandler? Ruder beggar.

And so on and so on. That was in the summer of '57. The fad didn't last long.."
Life is just a bowl of cherries, it's too mysterious, don't take it serious...
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CliffClaven
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A babe who plays a really hot game of footsie? A toe mater.

Ebenezer Scrooge's affliction? Care rot.

What you do when stung by a bee? Rue barb.

Past tense of the verb Speed? Spud.

A hip bunch of veggies? Salad, Jackson!




Well, avocado is better than none.
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mort bakaprevski
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My friend was fired from his job at the city roads department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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Laughing Gravy
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I was at a live performance last night of one of Beethoven's greatest works. What a mess! There was an intermission, and the cello players went to the bar across the street and by the time they got back, they were so shit-faced they kept knocking their sheet music down. By the end of the number, somebody had come along with string to secure the sheet music to the stand. So (here you are folks, the payoff) it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied....
"I'm glad that this question came up, because there are so many ways to answer it that one of them is bound to be right." - Robert Benchley
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mort bakaprevski
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There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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panzer the great & terrible
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(Make up your own lead-in)

It's just a penny, auntie -- poke her.

Of course you all know the one about Albee Scholl. Both of his boys were Communists and yachtsmen, so he used to say he had red sons in the sail set.
Edited by panzer the great & terrible, Nov 13 2013, 12:33 PM.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, it's too mysterious, don't take it serious...
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JazzGuyy
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Australia, having been settled as a colony primarily by Brits, has a lot of towns named after places familiar from the "old country". One day a traveler in the Outback was in one of those towns, named after a famous English river and he stopped by a local cafe and ordered a cuppa. Now, in this particular cafe, they gave Australian-type names to even simple menu items so they had things like Kangaroo Coffee and Tasmanian Devil Toast. When the man's tea arrived, he noted that it was quite cloudy and had bits of tea leaf floating in it. He ask the waitress why this was the case. Her reply: "Surely you know the Koala Tea of Mersey is not strained."
TANSTAAFL!
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panzer the great & terrible
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Oh, excellent!
Life is just a bowl of cherries, it's too mysterious, don't take it serious...
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mort bakaprevski
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During the anatomy exam, the medical student identified the colon through the process of elimination.
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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mort bakaprevski
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That one spice girl had a nice rack.
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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mort bakaprevski
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People sometimes wonder if all the soot in the chimneys might make Santa sick. He'll be fine because he's had a flue shot.
"Nov Shmoz Ka Pop."
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