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13 Frightened Girls (1963)
Topic Started: Oct 9 2017, 08:46 PM (157 Views)
Laughing Gravy
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13 Frightened Girls (1963) Dir. William Castle
A Columbia Picture
89 min. / Color / 1.85:1
On BD from Mill Creek Entertainment

The pupils of a Swiss Boarding School that caters to the rich daughters of diplomats are on vacation in London when one of them, the daughter of the American diplomat, gets tangled up in a Chinese plot to kill a bunch of people and blame it on American super-spy, irresistible lover boy Murray "The Mayor from Jaws" Hamilton. Her dad, Hugh Marlowe, is stymied by it all so the young woman, Candy, goes undercover and becomes a 16-year-old superspy herself to help Mr. Hamilton and his girlfriend, who's also a spy (or maybe a secretary, couldn't tell, but she spends more time smoochin' the spy who loved her than doing any work anyway). The Chinese killers blow her cover but with the help of her 12 friends, she manages to save the day and recover the secret microfilm that I didn't mention but we don't care anyway, it doesn't show up until the final reel.

Despite the title and the director, what we have here, my friends, is a Disney type of live action thing aimed at pre-teen girls but with enough blood, murders, and violence to try and keep their big siblings and their dates quasi-interested during makeout sessions in the drive-in. Mr. Showmanship, Bill Castle advertised a contest to find "the most beautiful teenagers from 13 different countries" and I suppose he succeeded, they're all very attractive, but some modicum of talent beyond looking pretty would've been nice, too. Not that the film gives them much to do except for Candy, but she's American and she's the cutest one so it's okay.

I'm-a not gonna lie to you, this is a kid's movie that's too violent or possibly an adult movie that's too stupid, so I'm not certain where to go with it.

Million-dollar Dialog:
Chinese Killer to teenage girl's father: "The SPANKING. Administer it with VIGOR."

I'd never seen this before (in fact, I'd barely heard of it) but it's on a double-feature Blu-ray paired with 13 Ghosts (which doesn't give you a ghost viewer to watch it properly, but luckily I've got a ton of 'em, you know me). Watch for Emil Sitka as the bus driver and oh, yeah: if you can buy Murray Hamilton as a super-sexy secret agent, you've got a more vivid imagination than *I* have, bub. The BD is very, very good and lacks any bonuses, even a trailer, but it was dirt cheap (I think the two films were a total of $9.99). There's another Castle Blu-ray twofer that's got better movies, Homicidal and Mr. Sardonicus.
"I'm glad that this question came up, because there are so many ways to answer it that one of them is bound to be right." - Robert Benchley
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