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Eight hours until the next challenge...
Topic Started: Jul 25 2017, 11:59 AM (16 Views)
Bubba
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I'm worried about the challenge tonight. Specifically, I'm worried that I'm going to fuck it up for everyone somehow. Rudy tried to give me a pep talk this past weekend telling me that my competition level is as awesome as my social skills (in his view). But Rudy doesn't experience firsthand what it's like being inside my body, with my anxiety level, during the challenges themselves. I didn't want to belabor the point or throw myself any more of a pity party in front of him than I actually have...because that would be the perfect way for me to insert more doubts about myself into Rudy's head.

For all of you who are reading this, after the game is over, whether you were on a tribe with me or not: yes, this game has become a microcosm of my own lifelong inadequacies. If I don't make it much farther, then I at least hope those of you with whom I worked (was allies with) in this game will appreciate what I've gone through -- psychologically and emotionally -- to try to keep us advancing in the hopes of preventing some ChaosKass situation from breaking out and ruining ALL OF our games.

It goes without saying that everyone on Dublin wants to win tonight -- and then continue winning beyond that point. But if we do have to vote another person out, it's become very clear to me that Joel, as much as I love him and I owe him a lot for having brought me this far in this game, would be our weakest link in a merge scenario. His communication style is just too nondescript and irregular, and I feel that would hurt us in a merge scenario. And, as I've mentioned to others on our tribe, we'll need clear communication between all of us at the merge...especially if Brooke and/or Amanda decide to toy with the idea of becoming "double agents" against Dublin.

Everybody seems to agree with me on Joel. Of course, I'm still not ruling out the possibility that they're going to use my churning neurons against me and say, "Oh, let's just get rid of Bubba right now so we don't have to worry him double-crossing us later...

But there's the rub: I'm NOT going to double-cross them later. Even if Dublin is outnumbered by an Adam-run or Limerick-run larger alliance...I'm not going to jump ship and betray Dublin, because the Limerick tribe members are just too unknown as quantities to me. Now, that doesn't mean I'm ruling out cultivating personal relationships or temporary alliances with any of the Limerick members. Quite the opposite, actually: you never know when you might need someone due to unforeseen circumstances, so I'm not just going to ice out the Limerick tribe members altogether. At the same time, if I'm fortunate enough to make the merge, I'm going to have to be very careful how I approach it and what I say to each of them (even Brooke and Amanda). It'll be finding some way to walk that tightrope between them perceiving me as playing too hard (based on what I say to any of them) and specifically going after me for that reason versus me barely saying anything at all and then making myself an easy target because they perceive me as a "floater" or "standoffish."

I'm a very detail-oriented person. It's just the way I live my life. No, I'm not perfect in terms of having a computer memory of every word written down on the screen. I realize I need to get better at that when it comes to following instructions for challenges. But I do absorb a ton of details about people, including little nuances in their language choices. I'm also running multiple permutations in my head at all times: even when several of those permutations never come to pass, it's better to be prepared for some things that you might be able to anticipate rather than being blindsided by something you could have anticipated but simply didn't bother to. Obviously, there's no way any of us can anticipate EVERY SINGLE twist or wrinkle in this game. But mentally running those permutations can at least help us confront/cope with unexpected twists when they do happen. That's what I feel I contribute to our Dublin voting bloc.

So although I feel I have the tools and abilities to potentially survive another Dublin tribal council tonight...I'm still not confident that I actually will. It wouldn't be the first time that someone who feels they have a strong alliance ends up finding themselves cut loose by those whom they felt they'd shared majority status with. Just ask Danielle DiLorenzo, James Clement, Alexis Jones, Courtney Marit, Kat Edorrsson, Christy Smith, Jon Misch, Debbie Wanner, Jane Bright, or Zeke Smith (both times he played!).
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