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Jake Alarezo; DeathGunner
Topic Started: Mar 12 2009, 09:58 PM (603 Views)
Inimicus
Member Avatar
Young Justice
[ * ]
Just gonna reply to one quick thing since, to be honest, your grammar gives me a headache which is already bad enough.

You mention Superman breaking his jaw in your deadly enemies section

Yah unless I get a post from Jon here saying that is alright by him thats got to be removed entierly. That is a form of godmodding: saying there is history between characters and that certain characters feel certain ways, without permission from the other.

So in short either get Jon's permission or change his deadly enemies, this also means if you want to have a history with ANY super hero make sure you get permission from the person who has that character, like with the Green Lantern.

EDIT: I have received word from the owner of Green Lantern and you are not allowed to use him as a deadly enemy or in your history. You can make no mention of dealings WITH the green lantern and it would make no sense to know OF him either as he is a new thing to earth (According to the owner). So please remove that part as with the information about superman
 
RevyXK
Newbie
Posted Image
Personal Info
Name: Raziel Xaphantera
Alias: Death Reaper
Race: Horned Demon
Gender: Male
Age: 200years old
Height: 6 feet, 5 inches
Weight: 210lbs
Hair: Black
Eyes: Green
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Personality: He has a brutal side when fighting & killing criminals. Raziel is dark hearted demon in his mind.
Team: None
Secret Origin: Demonically Powered (No Modifiers)

Statistics
Total Experience gained: 0
Experience points left to use: 0
Experience Points used: 5,950

Strength: 6
Agility: 2
Accuracy: 2
Durability: 4
Will Power: 1 + 1 = 2

Powers
Flying:(100XP/Lvl) [Lvl 6]: Raziel has good wings almost gargoyle like which uses for flying or something like a cape.
- Flying gained through wings.
Immortal (400XP): After defeating the demonic tournament, The Lord of Darkness gave Raziel immortality after living 200years. Raziel won’t die of natural causes like old ages, sickness, hunger or disease.
- Young Immortal
Toughness (700XP/Lvl) [Lvl 2]: Raziel's tough hardened skin protects him against any physical damage, including energy beams, fire, acid and whatever else.
- Nullifies Armor Penetration
Jumping (50XP/Lvl) [Lvl 6]: Raziel has some good jumping skills.
Self Contained Life form (500XP): Thanks to Raziel's immortality, He doesn't need to breathe or his body isn't affected by the environment.
Vision, Enhanced (375XP): Raziel can see through darkness, underwater, Infra-Red, blinding light and fog/smoke.

Skills
IQ (100XP/Lvl) [Lvl 3]: Raziel has an average IQ.
Concentration (200XP): Raziel can keep a clear head not letting any distracting him.
Weapon Skills (175XP/Lvl) [Lvl 5]: Raziel really like different assortments of weapon for beating up people. But he really likes using three different selections of stuff. Like Swords, Axes & Gauntlets.
- Weapon: Swords
- Extra Weapon: Axes
- Extra Weapon: Gauntlets
Fighting Skills (200XP/Lvl) [Lvl 3]: He learned many things even how to fight thanks to the brutal beatings from other demons. Through training his Agility is increased.

Challenges
Deadly Enemies (200XP): After the bodycount started rising, Raziel has his share of enemies really superheroes trying to make a name for themselves or idiots trying to stop him. It all started when he started killing criminals and robbers for sport. Then it started getting worse when he started ripping off heads and placing them on sticks. Really Raziel has been having problem with superheroes even mercenaries trying to take him out his greatest enemies....he hates more then anything would have to be any kind of superheroes just wanting to defeat him. The last time he encounter a local superhero the bastard broke his jaw just because Raziel ripped off some robber's arm.
Outlaw (350XP): After killing some criminals, He became a fugitive upon the news.
Special Vulnerability (600XP): Raziel really has a negative reaction to any form of poison leaving his body greatly weaker. Poison damage really has a double effect on him.
Major Psychological Restriction (400XP): Raziel from a rage syndrome called Antesheron which really makes angry for no reason at all. Thus making wanting to kill anything that comes in his way.
Non Human (400XP): Because of his appearance, Raziel looks like super elf. He has big long horns, almost horse-like feet, point ears, manbatlike wings on his back, vampire teeth. Glowing green eyes yet black claws.

Inventory
Occupation: Mercenary
Money: $0
Items: 8 Antidotes, Laptop, 2 First Aid Kits
Weapons: Battle Axe, Katana
Costume:
Transport:

Origin
Raziel was born when Lord Belial wanted a soldier of his own creation yet he summoned his finest demonic warlords to create a superb soldier from apiece of his flesh. Then the warlords started on the fragment trying to use the ancient relics and then the dark magic of the abyss. After hours of incantations the flesh fragment started to move as it started gaining bones first and then with more incantations some blood and then finally skin until it was whole. But the final phase was close to being complete the creation needed a soul as Lord Belial started summoning his sorcery as a ball started to form. The soul ball was a creation of 10 humans souls and 10 demon souls fused together to form the ideal soul. Lord Belial looked at the creation's body which was perfect as he placed the dark soul ball into his mouth and quickly it infused itself into the body. Minutes later the body started moving and then the creature got up looking at the lord who created him and kneeling to him. Belial thought things were going to work well with demon and then the warlocks gave him the name Raziel. The creature had a name Raziel and then the monster did Belial's bidding almost like his ultimate demon proving himself time and time again. Raziel only did was Belial had him do and he was most loyal to his mater yet during all his servitude he wonders about things. Unknown to Raziel, Lord Belial was preparing him for the ultimate test.....

Many years later, Raziel again proved to his master that he was better warrior still he was weaker then before, he could explain it. Raziel had murdered many demons earning his rights but this weakness of his he didn't understand.

Finally, the demon was healed but he started to notice his age that he was getting older and somewhat sluggish. During some asskicking of demons, he felted it even thought he had immortality he actually felt that he was loosing his edge the ruthless murdering rage. Raziel thought of some ways to chnage this but he couldn't die from old age which he didn't mind it but some strands of white hair started to appear.

Lord Belial was testing Raziel through the Eight trials of death which Raziel almost died from but succeeded and now it was time for Raziel's reward. Leaving the demon weaker then before....

A door appeared and then Raziel kneeled to the new lord thanking him for everything but Belial would have use for him in Earth's realm. Raziel was quickly sent into the slums of New York City where he appeared in trash heap as he swipe and threw garbage bags off him. He quickly started flying and started to see the big city where his new life begins.
 
Inimicus
Member Avatar
Young Justice
[ * ]
Alright your grammar gives me a headache so if im rude thats why.

Look through your bio and check EVERY TIME YOU USE THE WORD 'HAD'. You use it alot in place of the word 'HAS' such as he had good wings (that should be has). Had is the past tense has is the present

Second your deadly enemies is a no go at that level its gonna be minor which is worth 200. So either make it a lot better and more deadly WITH GOOD REASON, or take 400 xp off. You could make it medium if you gave good reason WHY they suddenly all want him

Third with his major psych, remove the part about calmness and moodiness, its major because of the violence and rage so leave it at that.

Fourth why jumping? He can jump farther than that with his strength anyway...


In his origin you make him sound much more powerful than he is. He isnt that strong, and other demon lords would easily be able to kill him. A new demon isnt going to be an expert soldier or assasin so tone down that. Make him weaker sounding or make him older with more training BEFORE hand.
 
Inimicus
Member Avatar
Young Justice
[ * ]
if you make changes please post a new profile, we want to see the progression from one to another and it makes it much less annoying to spot changes.

So change the old one back and post a new post with the changes or your profiles will not be looked at.
 
RevyXK
Newbie
Posted Image
Personal Info
Name: Raziel Xaphantera
Alias: Death Reaper
Race: Horned Demon
Gender: Male
Age: 200years old
Height: 6 feet, 5 inches
Weight: 210lbs
Hair: Black
Eyes: Green
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Personality: He has a brutal side when fighting & killing criminals. Raziel is dark hearted demon in his mind.
Team: None
Secret Origin: Demonically Powered (No Modifiers)

Statistics
Total Experience gained: 0
Experience points left to use: 0
Experience Points used: 5,950

Strength: 6
Agility: 2
Accuracy: 2
Durability: 4
Will Power: 1 + 1 = 2

Powers
Flying:(100XP/Lvl) [Lvl 6]: Raziel has good wings almost gargoyle like which uses for flying or something like a cape.
- Flying gained through wings.
Immortal (400XP): After defeating the demonic tournament, The Lord of Darkness gave Raziel immortality after living 200years. Raziel won’t die of natural causes like old ages, sickness, hunger or disease.
- Young Immortal
Toughness (700XP/Lvl) [Lvl 2]: Raziel's tough hardened skin protects him against any physical damage, including energy beams, fire, acid and whatever else.
- Nullifies Armor Penetration
Jumping (50XP/Lvl) [Lvl 6]: Raziel has some good jumping skills.
Self Contained Life form (500XP): Thanks to Raziel's immortality, He doesn't need to breathe or his body isn't affected by the environment.
Vision, Enhanced (375XP): Raziel can see through darkness, underwater, Infra-Red, blinding light and fog/smoke.

Skills
IQ (100XP/Lvl) [Lvl 3]: Raziel has an average IQ.
Concentration (200XP): Raziel can keep a clear head not letting any distracting him.
Weapon Skills (175XP/Lvl) [Lvl 5]: Raziel really like different assortments of weapon for beating up people. But he really likes using three different selections of stuff. Like Swords, Axes & Gauntlets.
- Weapon: Swords
- Extra Weapon: Axes
- Extra Weapon: Gauntlets
Fighting Skills (200XP/Lvl) [Lvl 3]: He learned many things even how to fight thanks to the brutal beatings from other demons. Through training his Agility is increased.

Challenges
Deadly Enemies (200XP): After the bodycount started rising, Raziel has his share of enemies really superheroes trying to make a name for themselves or idiots trying to stop him. It all started when he started killing criminals and robbers for sport. Then it started getting worse when he started ripping off heads and placing them on sticks. Really Raziel has been having problem with superheroes even mercenaries trying to take him out his greatest enemies....he hates more then anything would have to be any kind of superheroes just wanting to defeat him. The last time he encounter a local superhero the bastard broke his jaw just because Raziel ripped off some robber's arm.
Outlaw (350XP): After killing some criminals, He became a fugitive upon the news.
Special Vulnerability (600XP): Raziel really has a negative reaction to any form of poison leaving his body greatly weaker. Poison damage really has a double effect on him.
Major Psychological Restriction (400XP): Raziel from a rage syndrome called Antesheron which really makes angry for no reason at all. Thus making wanting to kill anything that comes in his way.
Non Human (400XP): Because of his appearance, Raziel looks like super elf. He has big long horns, almost horse-like feet, point ears, manbatlike wings on his back, vampire teeth. Glowing green eyes yet black claws.

Inventory
Occupation: Mercenary
Money: $0
Items: 8 Antidotes, Laptop, 2 First Aid Kits
Weapons: Battle Axe, Katana
Costume:
Transport:

Origin
Raziel was born when Lord Belial wanted a soldier of his own creation yet he summoned his finest demonic warlords to create a superb soldier from apiece of his flesh. Then the warlords started on the fragment trying to use the ancient relics and then the dark magic of the abyss. After hours of incantations the flesh fragment started to move as it started gaining bones first and then with more incantations some blood and then finally skin until it was whole. But the final phase was close to being complete the creation needed a soul as Lord Belial started summoning his sorcery as a ball started to form. The soul ball was a creation of 10 humans souls and 10 demon souls fused together to form the ideal soul. Lord Belial looked at the creation's body which was perfect as he placed the dark soul ball into his mouth and quickly it infused itself into the body. Minutes later the body started moving and then the creature got up looking at the lord who created him and kneeling to him. Belial thought things were going to work well with demon and then the warlocks gave him the name Raziel. The creature had a name Raziel and then the monster did Belial's bidding almost like his ultimate demon proving himself time and time again. Raziel only did was Belial had him do and he was most loyal to his mater yet during all his servitude he wonders about things. Unknown to Raziel, Lord Belial was preparing him for the ultimate test.....

Many years later, Raziel again proved to his master that he was better warrior still he was weaker then before, he could explain it. Raziel had murdered many demons earning his rights but this weakness of his he didn't understand.

Finally, the demon was healed but he started to notice his age that he was getting older and somewhat sluggish. During some asskicking of demons, he felted it even thought he had immortality he actually felt that he was loosing his edge the ruthless murdering rage. Raziel thought of some ways to chnage this but he couldn't die from old age which he didn't mind it but some strands of white hair started to appear.

Lord Belial was testing Raziel through the Eight trials of death which Raziel almost died from but succeeded and now it was time for Raziel's reward. Leaving the demon weaker then before....

A door appeared and then Raziel kneeled to the new lord thanking him for everything but Belial would have use for him in Earth's realm. Raziel was quickly sent into the slums of New York City where he appeared in trash heap as he swipe and threw garbage bags off him. He quickly started flying and started to see the big city where his new life begins.


I hope this is fixed... :(
 
Inimicus
Member Avatar
Young Justice
[ * ]
alright math adds up and it looks good unless im missing something

*sets up folding chair and waits for a manager*
 
ExarArcian
Member Avatar
Challenger of the Unknown
It's up!
 
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