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Shenro Fudolar; Swordsniper (Not done Yet) Just bored
Topic Started: Apr 3 2009, 03:50 AM (279 Views)
RevyXK
Newbie
Posted Image

Personal Info
Name: Shenro Fudolar
Alias: SwordSniper
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Age: 39
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 194lb
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Alignment: Evil
Personality: Clear Minded and Arrogant attitude. Shenro's personality is different at time there a time when he'll be nice and clumsy having a cheerful attitude. Another time when he's in battle or about to fight he'll show a vengeful yet lone warrior attitude.
Team: None
Secret Origin: Trained [No Modifiers]


Statistics
Total Experience gained: 0
Experience points left to use: 0
Experience Points used: 10,800

Strength: 1 + 5 = 6
Agility: 7
Accuracy: 5
Durability: 1 + 2 = 3
Will Power: 1 + 2 = 3

Powers
Acrobatics(75) [lvl 8]: Shenro is a very skilled acrobat learning almost everything a trapeze artist would know. Includes leaping, flipping, jumping, swinging, etc., and all the moves of a trained acrobat.
Jumping(50) [lvl 6]: Shenro does have some good jumping skills.
Reflexive Dodge(100)[lvl 7] [Linked to Prescience -50]: Shenro was given a great ability to dodge blows instinctively.
Sixth Seense(Prescience-300) [lv 2]: It almost a sixth sense telling where trouble thusit just activates when something coming his way. It warns him of danger unseen and unheard shortly before it happens.
Animal Senses(50) [lvl 1]:

Skills
IQ(100) [lvl 3]: Shenro has average IQ
Concentration(200) :Due his practicing of the blade and steady training, Shen gained deep focus upon battle. Not letting anything or anyone distract him thus having a clear minded head.
High School Graduate(150): He finally passed high school with his high school sweetheart years ago. He got his diploma from the former president which was quite an honor.
Weapon Skills(150) [lvl 6]: After his training, Shen became a weapon master using a melee weapon his advantage thus his agility is increased. He can really wield any trype of sword or katana blade to his advantage
- Extra Weapon: Katana
Fighting Skills(200) [lvl 5]: He began learning skills of how to fight at a young age which have helped him in past. His agility is increased.

Challenges
No Secret Identity(500): Shenro doesn't really see the point of why he should have a superhero's secret identity. He wants everybody to know that he's Swordsniper. He doesn't give a damn about getting into trouble either. He just wants his name to be out there to be the deadliest assassin he can be.
Extremely Dangerous Enemies(800): Shenro had killed men, women even teenagers also trying to be the best at what he does. But these actions haven't gone unseen to some people eyes. He had become a dangerous to superheroes and their friends when he killed well known locals superheroes named Trigen and Solace. He been a hunted man become United States most really the Police, Secret Service and FBI have been hunting him for a long time. Because of deaths in 15 states almost making him a mass murderer.
Special Vunerability (1,200): Because of a rare disfunction, Shenro can't handle Magical abilities of any form which if use at full force it could kill him. Another weakness would have to be Electricity damage which would be lightning.
Powers Have Sabotaged Old Relationships (300): He did have a wife at one time but due his evil nature it really destroyed the relationship. Thus she had a divorce but he killed her because of betraying him.



Inventory
Occupation: Assassin
Money: $0
Items:
Weapons:
Costume:
Transport:

Origin
Shenro Fudolar once a noble businessman now turned into a ruthless ninja assassin asked he was smoking he wonders where did all go wrong for.

20 Years Ago...
During the unknown riot of super villains. Shen was walking with his girlfriend Karina eating some ice cream and helping with her homework until suddenly she fell to the ground unknowningly enough a sniper killed her with a thin snipe gunshot direct to the heart. Shen cried out her name trying to figure out what the hell happen and then another bullet was about to kill him until a local superhero saved his life yet he couldn't see anything which was a problem he thought. Even thought a superhero saved his life in his mind an unknown thing he thought was a monster just killed his girlfirend which ended his peaceful life. One of Shen's friends saw what happen and she felt worried about what was going to happen to her friends as he went berserk thinking some crazy man killed Karina and he started screaming like crazy and crying. But really there was nothing he could do about it he just wanted to die but it wasn't the right thing to do as the funeral was two weeks later. Shen kneeled to her coffin praying that she would someway or some how give him the strength to keep going because seriously he was thinking about killing himself. Some of Shen's friends tried comforting him as he started to get up then he swore he would find the person or people responsible for his girlfriend's death.In Shen's mind, he was feeling alot of mixed emotions but quickly he felt something which he was focus on in which the beer didn't kill most of his brain functions. Really Shen wanted to forget but really he couldn't because he was about to die but something was burning inside of him wanting to help him in his time of need. Shen was trying to imagine how these people ruined his normal life with Karina and how he wanted to make them suffer for what they've done to her. He finally have enough strength to get himself some help and it was there, he finally went to Japan to find the ancient master Gendo Kibagawi. Shen went to him telling his story and that he wanted revenge on the people who killed his girlfriend thus Gendo agreed. Months Later, Gendo pour all his knowledge of the ninja samurai into his new pupil training him in the fine arts of combat it was there where. Shen started to understand things better and how to defeat his enemies. Gendo warned him about the path he was going to take and then his pupil decided to take that path....the path of Vengeance & Revenge. He finally left Japan with the basic knowledge and the way of warrior powers within his hands. He returned to find the place where he lefted it and then he after killing a few people, Shen finally confronted the sonuvabitch who killed Karina but the guy knew he was too fast. The killer was wondering why because Shen had changed...

In mere minutes, Shen killed Karina's killer in cold blood and then finally avenged his girlfriend's death but then he felt different. He enjoyed killing the bad guys but he couldn't make this a habit so he decided that he would become an assassin.

Now...
He finally decided to come out the closet telling the media that he was the most dangerous assassin alive to date. Shenro Fudolar became the most well known assassin in history yet hopefully someday he could have a normal life but with 1,000 known hits and kills. He isn't sure about it...


Spending my 10k on a veteran
 
Jon
Member Avatar
Doom Patrol
Spending what 10k? You don't even have a character yet... and as you can see in the loan, it has been denied for now
 
RevyXK
Newbie
Doing a fix up on this one
 
ExarArcian
Member Avatar
Challenger of the Unknown
So, I'm confused. Is this one ready to look at? Yes? No?
 
Jon
Member Avatar
Doom Patrol
Don't bother until you approve his loan
 
ExarArcian
Member Avatar
Challenger of the Unknown
Alright, so. Approved your loan.... I highly suggest, no, if possible, I am ORDERING you to go read what I said there.

As for this guy. Well, I'm-a run down this. Heck, I'll even tell you how you could possibly change it, this time. Because I'm feeling cheeky. But after this, same rules I gave you on Marvels: no help, just telling you you're doing it wrong. Unless, of course, you listen.

Fingers crossed.

Extremely Dangerous (Multiple powerful enemies AND multiple powerful organizations)
See the all caps on AND? That means "not or." It's to draw attention.
Killing a couple local superheroes who mean nothing don't mean jack. Sorry, but I'd need a little more than that. Assuming he is "shoot on sight" with multiple law enforcement (which, given that he is a murderer), I'd be willing to give you Major Deadly Enemies. As long as you understand that means people will shoot at you, and you will die if shot somewhere vital. So, instead of 800, I'll give you 600.

No Secret Identity
It's not just... NOT having a secret identity. You have to have a life to actually want to hide. This guy is just running around killing people. It doesn't really count. Like, does he have a house? Some place he stays? Maybe has a studio apartment with some guys he met at a coffee house? Hell, I don't care. Either give him a life to protect, or ditch the challenge.

Special Vulnerabilities
I'm really not gonna be too picky here. I'll be honest, I'd like some more detail... it certainly wouldn't hurt your chances in future endeavors. Just a little more explanation as to why, as opposed to other normal humans, is affected so. Heck, I'm assuming it's some sort of spiritual dysfunction? Because I don't know of a medical one which makes one "weak to magic."
Unless the appendix protects against magic? Did he have his removed? No, never mind. That's retarded.
But yeah, little more detail, please? =)

Shenro Fudolar once a noble businessman now turned into a ruthless ninja assassin asked he was smoking he wonders where did all go wrong for.
... "Asked he was smoking he wonders where did all go wrong for."
Sentence are sense perfect make. Job done that is good. Everhow, think I am drinking Coke could that better written be?
*Turns on 'knows how to speak English switch'*
Fix that. It's nigh incomprehensible. I'm guessing it's supposed to be him being interviewed while he's smoking a cigarette or something, but he could likewise be a crazy guy talking to himself on fire.

First part of the Origin
Okay, okay. So, he's walking with his girlfriend, helping her with her homework, and eating ice cream. That's, that's a lot. It's not impossible, perhaps they're discussing the philosophy of Confucius, but I doubt it.
So, a SNIPER kills her. Now, umm... I think he'd figure out from the pool of blood. And what, is he blind? The SUPERHERO saves him, and he thinks a MONSTER did it.
He's either blind or crazy! Or an idiot.
So, okay... fix that part, and then I'll try to plow my way through the rest. Because, seriously? Sniper + Superhero = Monster did it? There's... that's a thought process that is reserved for crazy people.
I know this guy ain't supposed to be, ya know, mister morality, but come on... we're talking "THE JELLO IS TALKING AND TELLING ME TO DO NAUGHTY THINGS TO A CANDY CANE" crazy.

That's all for now! Change the challenge stuff, and then I'll look over the math, powers, and skills.
And, ya know, change the origin stuff too.

Remember: do a new post, don't edit the old one.
 
RevyXK
Newbie
Posted Image
Personal Info
Name: Shenro Braddock
Alias: SwordSniper
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Age: 39
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 194lb
Hair: Black
Eyes: Red
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Personality: Clear Minded and Arrogant attitude. Shenro's personality is different at time there a time when he'll be nice and clumsy having a cheerful attitude. Another time when he's in battle or about to fight he'll show a vengeful yet lone warrior attitude.
Team: None
Secret Origin: Trained [No Modifiers]

Statistics
Total Experience gained: 0
Experience points left to use: 0
Experience Points used: 10,550

Strength: 5
Agility: 7
Accuracy: 1 + 2 = 3
Durability: 1 + 5 = 6
Will Power: 1 + 2 = 3

Powers
Acrobatics(75) [lvl 8]: Shenro is a very skilled acrobat learning almost everything a trapeze artist would know. Includes leaping, flipping, jumping, swinging, etc., and all the moves of a trained acrobat.
Reflexive Dodge(100)[lvl 7] [Linked to Prescience -50]: Shenro was given a great ability to dodge blows instinctively.
Sixth Seense(Prescience-300) [lv 3]: It almost a sixth sense telling where trouble thusit just activates when something coming his way. It warns him of danger unseen and unheard shortly before it happens.
Vision, Enhanced(150): With his enhance eyes, Shenro can see through darkness and Blinding Light

Skills
IQ(100) [lvl 3]: Shenro has average IQ
Concentration(200): Due his practicing of the blade and steady training, Shen gained deep focus upon battle. Not letting anything or anyone distract him thus having a clear minded head.
High School Graduate(150): He finally passed high school with his high school sweetheart years ago. He got his diploma from the former president which was quite an honor.
Weapon Skills(150) [lvl 6]: After his training, Shen became a weapon master using a melee weapon his advantage thus his agility is increased. He can really wield any trype of sword or katana blade to his advantage
- Extra Weapon: Katana
Fighting Skills(200) [lvl 5]: He began learning skills of how to fight at a young age which have helped him in past. His agility is increased.

Challenges
Outlaw(350): Swordsniper has been on America's Most Wanted for quite some time. FBI and Law Officals have been looking for him wso they can put him away forever.
Major Deadly Enemies(600): Shenro had killed men, women even teenagers also trying to be the best at what he does. But these actions haven't gone unseen to some people eyes. He had become a dangerous to superheroes and their friends when he killed well known locals superheroes named Trigen and Solace. He been a hunted man become United States most really the Police, Secret Service and FBI have been hunting him for a long time. Because of deaths in 15 states almost making him a mass murderer.
Special Vulnerabilities(1,200): Because of a rare disfunction an ancient curse upon his left arm, Shenro can't handle Magical ability called Divine because of the mark. Any Divine Magic used against will activate the mark leaving him greatly weaker. Another weakness that he haswould have to be Electricity damage which would be lightning because of the lightning bolt that almost killed nearly surviving it.
Vulnerable Loved Ones(400): He does have family in Boston, MA. None of them no about his dark lifestyle now and he intends to keep them out of his new life. He does worry about them though hoping none of them would see what he's become.

Inventory
Occupation: Assassin
Money: $0
Items:
Weapons:
Costume:
Transport:

Origin
Shenro Braddock once a noble person now turned into a ruthless ninja, he wonders where did all go wrong for him. But he calms himself remembering the past, the massacre where his normal life went to fucking pieces.

15 Years Ago...
Shenro had married his High School Sweetheart Karina Valentine which was expecting a child on the way which was the best day of his life. The wedding was spectular with all his friends and family at the ceremony yet finally marrying the woman he loved. He also obtained a scholarship attending college and holding his job as a retail clerk at a local shopping mall really he was making things work for him, his wife and their son coming soon. Everything changed about two months later when Shenro was preparing dinner and then the doorbell rang. Then his wife opend the door and then two people rushed into the house started attacking Karina. Shenro went to try to stop them and one of them pulled out a gun and shot Shenro in the stomach. Karina was yelling and then the punks started searching the house for money and then Shenro started crawling hoping to save Karina at least. The robbers grabbed the loot and took Karina with them which Shenro started yelling for help and then called the police. Some neighbors noticed what happen and started going inside and saw Shenro bleeding and then called 911. Shenro told the police what happened and then they told him they would find the guys who did ths but he was worried what those bastards might do to Karina. Four days later, a videotape was sent to his home and then Shenro was wondering what it was hoping it wasn't something horrible and he was wrong. He played the tape showing that Karina was alive and then some people were playing with a bit and then they were talking about Shenro's wife was about to make a example of. Shenro didn't know what the fucker was talking about until he put out a gun and Karina was yelling for help. The camera turned away and then six shots were fired and then the camera turned back seeing that Karina was dead. Shenro yelled out hoping to kill the sonuvabitch that the bastard said "Game over" then the video turns off seeing nothing but snow. A day later the police got a tip to where Karina was and then all they found was her dead body as a local policeman wonder what kind of sicko would do this. At that moment Shenro was thinking of putting the law into his own hands hoping to track down the assholes who did this. But now wasn't the time....

At the funeral, Shenro and his family mourned Karina's death really took a hard blow to Karina's mother who wanted to hold her daughter again. Shenro's mind started to change thinking differently then before wondering why his family was targeted. All that came up was seeking some justice on the person or people who did this. Shenro was trying to imagine how these people ruined his normal life with Karina and how he wanted to make them suffer for what they've done to her. He finally have enough strength to get himself some help and it was there, he finally went to Japan to find the ancient master Gendo Kibagawi. Shen went to him telling his story and that he wanted revenge on the people who killed his wife & unborn son thus Gendo agreed. Months Later, Gendo pour all his knowledge of the ninja samurai into his new pupil training him in the fine arts of combat it was there where. Shen started to understand things better and how to defeat his enemies. Gendo warned him about the path he was going to take and then his pupil decided to take that path....the path of Vengeance & Revenge. He finally left Japan with the basic knowledge and the way of warrior powers within his hands. He returned to find the place where he lefted it and then he after killing a few people, Shenro finally confronted the sonuvabitch who killed Karina but the guy knew he was too fast. The killer was wondering why because Shen had changed...

In mere minutes, Shen killed Karina's killer in cold blood and then finally avenged his wife's death but then he felt different. He enjoyed killing the bad guys but he couldn't make this a habit so he decided that he would become an assassin.

Now...
Shenro Braddock became the most well known assassin in history yet hopefully someday he could have a normal life but with 1,000 known hits and kills.
 
Inimicus
Member Avatar
Young Justice
[ * ]
I'll take a look through the rest of this later, but I just noticed this one thing on a quick run though

You cannot have a weakness to a SPECIFIC type of magic, rather you are weak to ALL magic. So take out the divine element thing

besides that really you need to check your grammar, there are so many places it doesnt make sense im not even going to bother pointing them out. If you need to have someone proofread this but come on, this is just horrid.

EDIT: Also by my count you have spent 10,900xp out of 10,550 you have so get rid of 350 somewhere. I'll run it down for ya cause im so nice like that

1000 on accuracy
4000 on durability
1000 on willpower

600 Acrobatics
700 Reflexive Dodge
900 Presecience
150 enhanced vision

300 IQ
200 Concentration
150 High School Graduate
900 weapon skills
1000 fighting skills
 
ExarArcian
Member Avatar
Challenger of the Unknown
A reminder: as said on the page where your loan was approved, you have until this THURSDAY, May 7th, to pay off at least $300 of your loan, which is not even on full job post.

Otherwise, you will have $-2500, and thus enable to purchase this character as a veteran.
 
ExarArcian
Member Avatar
Challenger of the Unknown
Well, as I warned you about: you've done nothing, heck, you haven't even ACKNOWLEDGED, anything to do with what I said.

Thus, this character is now incorrect because you're using 4000 XP too much, because you took out a loan, didn't pay back ANYTHING when I gave you time to, and didn't even SAY ANYTHING.

So, yes. If you want this character, you have to remove 4000 XP worth of stuff, along with what Inimicus said.

Have fun with that.
 
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