Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Die Hard Baseball. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Funny, Funny
Topic Started: Jul 12 2006, 08:47 PM (169 Views)
NateFizzle

Members
Link

Quote:
 
All-Star game unplugged

PITTSBURGH – Come on. Like Fox was really going to show the good stuff when it placed microphones on players during the All-Star game.

Much as we'd love to write about the game, it can be summarized in two sentences. The American League won 3-2. The National League stinks.

And until the ninth inning, when Michael Young tripled in two runs with two outs and two strikes, the only intrigue streamed through the mics. Fox, inventors of the plate cam, the base cam and, coming this October, the toilet cam – "We'll be there for every flush!" – for some reason deemed the unfettered commentary unworthy of broadcast.

Such censoring seems both unfair and unbalanced, so, in the interest of the public, of course, it is only right to disclose the true transcript, obtained after Tuesday's game by Yahoo! Sports.

It is for neither the weak nor timid.

First inning

Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Jason Bay, the hometown favorite, runs out to right field to a standing ovation. Under his breath, he whispers.

Bay: No. Oh, no. This isn't happening. PNC Park isn't supposed to be full. We usually get booed. And they're ... cheering? Please. Don't do this. I don't know what this sounds like. My ears. They're bleeding. Stop! I can't take it!

Meanwhile, the NL starter, Brad Penny, is throwing smoke. His fastball sits at 97. He struck out New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter on a high 98-mph fastball two pitches after buzzing him with one at 99. When Jeter returns to the dugout, he sees his teammate, Alex Rodriguez, whose fondness for malaprops is exacerbated by the excitement around the All-Star game.

Jeter: Man, he's nasty.

Rodriguez: No. It's not Penny's stuff. It's Jerry Crawford's strike zone. It's as big as the Miami Ocean.

Jeter: Alex, the Miami Ocean doesn't exist.

Rodriguez: Oh.

Second inning

Vladimir Guerrero's opposite-field home run gives the AL a 1-0 lead. As he rounds third, he hears a familiar voice.

Manny Ramirez: Hey, I'm supposed to be playing left field

Guerrero: Manny? Is that you? I thought you were hurt.

Ramirez: I am. My arm hurts from lifting these margaritas. And my stomach hurts from eating all day. And my back hurts from playing so much golf. Time for a massage. Peace, sucka!

AL starter Kenny Rogers hands back the advantage on a solo home run to left field by New York Mets third baseman David Wright. Guillen is not happy with his starter.

Guillen: #*$#! You're a @#$@! No, you're a *$#@^$@! No, no, no. You're a Mariotti!

Rogers: I'd better not catch you carrying a camera.

Guillen: Nevermind.

Third inning

With Toronto Blue Jays starter Roy Halladay struggling, Guillen gets a call from the bullpen phone.

Francisco Liriano: Ozzie, I'm ready.

Guillen: Don't worry, you'll get your turn.

Kansas City Royals starter Mark Redman steals the phone.

Redman: What about me?

Guillen hangs up.

Fourth inning

Bay steps to plate and singles. At first base, he's standing next to the Boston Red Sox' David Ortiz.

Ortiz: You look nervous, Bay.

Bay: I don't like all this attention. It worries me.

Ortiz: Listen, kid, if you want to be cool like Big Papi, you need to find your happy place.

Bay: Happy place ... OK.

Fifth inning

NL manager Phil Garner calls for Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo, who missed Monday's media session because he partied into the wee hours of the morning.

Arroyo: Dude, I'm hammered.

Garner: What?

Arroyo: Yeah. I kicked a case in the bullpen all by myself, son! Wanna touch my hair?

Garner: What?

Arroyo: I use this conditioner. So dope. Hey, can I do a keg stand on the mound? Ten inches in the air. Altitude!

Garner: Let's see some zeroes.

Arroyo: Zero brain cells left. Rawk!

After Arroyo plays air guitar and throws a scoreless inning, Guillen makes a gaggle of substitutions, including the insertion of Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer. When Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley leads off the inning, Mauer greets him.

Mauer: You know I'm dating Miss USA 2005?

Utley: Really?

Mauer: Yeah. And you know what else? I'm dating Miss USA 2005.

Utley: I heard the first time.

Mauer: I know you did. Except I'm dating Miss USA 2005.

Utley: Would you like a prize?

Mauer: Absolutely. I'd like to date Miss USA 2005. Which I am.

Sixth inning

Garner's turn to make mass subs. Among the group of new players are Colorado Rockies pitcher Brian Fuentes and Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann. They meet on the mound.

McCann: Who are you?

Fuentes: I'm Brian Fuentes.

McCann: Who?

Fuentes: I'm the closer for Colorado.

McCann: Sure, guy. Listen, just take this white ball and throw it over the plate. Got it?

Fuentes: But ...

McCann: OK, hoss.

Seventh inning

Bay walks from the dugout.

Bay: Happy place. Happy place.

The crowd stands again.

Bay: OK, imagine they're all naked.

Arroyo: I do that all the time, man. It's awesome!

The cheering is cacophonous.

Bay: Too ... much ... pressure!

He strikes out. Back in the dugout, he puts on headphones and turns on a Kelly Clarkson CD.

Bay: Ahhh. Happy place.

Meanwhile, Guillen's phone rings.

Liriano: Ozzie, I'm ready.

Guillen: Hey, kid. @#&^ #$%* $#&*@!

Liriano hands the phone to Redman.

Redman: Ozzie, I'm ready.

Guillen: What, to give up five runs?

Redman: Good point.

Redman hangs up.

Eighth inning

The game is dragging. It's 2-1, a run hasn't been scored since the third inning and one man's eyelids are shutting.

Arroyo: I think I'm going to pass out.

Garner: OK.

Garner passes out, too.

Ninth inning

San Diego Padres reliever Trevor Hoffman comes on and, with two outs, gives up a single to Paul Konerko and a ground-rule double to Troy Glaus. Garner's phone rings.

Liriano: Phil, I'm ready.

Garner ignores him and lets Hoffman pitch to Young. He knocks in the game-winning runs, Mariano Rivera shuts down the NL in the bottom of the inning and for the ninth consecutive game with an outcome, the AL beats the NL.

As the AL celebrates, Guillen feels a tap on his shoulder.

Liriano: Ozzie, I'm ready.

Guillen: %^#&!

Bay: You say %^#&? I'm the one who needs a drink.

Arroyo: Once it hits your lips it's so good!

Mauer: That's what Miss USA 2005 says.

Utley: Enough!

Fuentes: Don't fight, guys.

McCann: What's your name again?

Rodriguez: Please! Please! Stop with the negatism!

Ramirez: I'm glad I went on vacation.
Jim Thome: 564 Homeuns (12th All-Time)
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
NateFizzle

Members
If only it was true.

Best part
Quote:
 
Redman: Ozzie, I'm ready.

Guillen: What, to give up five runs?

Redman: Good point.
Jim Thome: 564 Homeuns (12th All-Time)
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
detroittigerfan28
Member Avatar
:)
Members
ha, that was good ^_^
Vote for Josh Hamilton for the 2008 All Star Game.
Posted Image
"I'd have to go with Curtis. He's a six-tool player. Off the field, he's pretty
good, too. He can run. He can hit (and hit for power). He can throw. He can
field. And he's good-looking." -Torii Hunter choosing Granderson over Sizemore
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
sfgkml
Member Avatar
Captain
Members
Yeah, I read that earlier. Funny read. hahaha

Quote:
 
Ninth inning

San Diego Padres reliever Trevor Hoffman comes on and, with two outs, gives up a single to Paul Konerko and a ground-rule double to Troy Glaus. Garner's phone rings.

Liriano: Phil, I'm ready.

Garner ignores him and lets Hoffman pitch to Young. He knocks in the game-winning runs, Mariano Rivera shuts down the NL in the bottom of the inning and for the ninth consecutive game with an outcome, the AL beats the NL.


I found that part funny, but you've got to have read it all.
[align=center]My Latest
Posted Image
Posted Image
[/align]
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Carlfan

Elite Members
hahahahaha *ROFL*

Quote:
 
Jeter: Man, he's nasty.

Rodriguez: No. It's not Penny's stuff. It's Jerry Crawford's strike zone. It's as big as the Miami Ocean.

Jeter: Alex, the Miami Ocean doesn't exist.

Rodriguez: Oh.
hahahaha
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
TheBabe714

Elite Members
That is hilarious!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
C101
Member Avatar
Cardinals take it in their Pujols
Members
lmao that was funny
Posted Image

Quote:
 
“At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings,” Kawamoto’s coach was quoted as saying. “There was a danger he could get injured.”

Quote:
 
"You know what's amazing?" Piniella asked. "Umpires make mistakes sometimes, and when you question them, you end up paying the consequences."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Marlinschamps03
Gangsta
Elite Members
Bay walks from the dugout.

Bay: Happy place. Happy place.

The crowd stands again.

Bay: OK, imagine they're all naked.

Arroyo: I do that all the time, man. It's awesome!

The cheering is cacophonous.

Bay: Too ... much ... pressure!

He strikes out. Back in the dugout, he puts on headphones and turns on a Kelly Clarkson CD.

Bay: Ahhh. Happy place.
Posted Image

Hanley Ramirez doesn't make errors--the ball is just afraid of him.
Shadez was the first man to walk on the moon... with sunglasses on.
In rookie ball, he drove a ball to deep centerfield, only to be informed he had been traded on his way to first base. So, he sprinted to the wall and robbed himself of a homerun.
He can turn a man to stone just by looking at him without his shades.
Was pointed at when Babe Ruth supposedly called his shot.
The June 24th game between the Marlins and Yankees was not, in fact, called by rain as was previously reported. Hanley had plans. And by plans we mean a date. With a girl. A babe if you will.
jaysdude
 
My mouth is a sperm bank
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Marlinschamps03
Gangsta
Elite Members
AL starter Kenny Rogers hands back the advantage on a solo home run to left field by New York Mets third baseman David Wright. Guillen is not happy with his starter.

Guillen: #*$#! You're a @#$@! No, you're a *$#@^$@! No, no, no. You're a Mariotti!

Rogers: I'd better not catch you carrying a camera.

Guillen: Nevermind.

Ozzie vs. Rodgers in a No Holds Bared Camera fight. :lol:
Posted Image

Hanley Ramirez doesn't make errors--the ball is just afraid of him.
Shadez was the first man to walk on the moon... with sunglasses on.
In rookie ball, he drove a ball to deep centerfield, only to be informed he had been traded on his way to first base. So, he sprinted to the wall and robbed himself of a homerun.
He can turn a man to stone just by looking at him without his shades.
Was pointed at when Babe Ruth supposedly called his shot.
The June 24th game between the Marlins and Yankees was not, in fact, called by rain as was previously reported. Hanley had plans. And by plans we mean a date. With a girl. A babe if you will.
jaysdude
 
My mouth is a sperm bank
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
NateFizzle

Members
Quote:
 
Jeter: Man, he's nasty.

Rodriguez: No. It's not Penny's stuff. It's Jerry Crawford's strike zone. It's as big as the Miami Ocean.

Jeter: Alex, the Miami Ocean doesn't exist.

Rodriguez: Oh


I thought this was real untill I kept reading.
Jim Thome: 564 Homeuns (12th All-Time)
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
webgem924
Member Avatar

GFX Team
I found everything to be funny. LMAO
[align=center]
Posted Image
Posted Image
both by me
Jayhawk Bill,Feb 24 2008
10:35 AM
Jon Papelbon leads MLB in STFU capability.

[/align]
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
hankaaron44
Member Avatar
Canada
Research Team
First off, Kelly Clarkson is hotter than Miss USA 2005 and she's a good singer so I'd understand Jason Bay's " Happy place. "

Secondly, how the hell does McCann not know who Brian Fuentes is? I mean, it is almost impossible to see the release point of Fuentes which makes him very immortal.

Thirdly, the Manny jokes were hilarious! No one believes you, Manny, so you might as well skip the seventh game of the World Series with cancer in your balls like Lance Armstrong had.
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Carlfan

Elite Members
hankaaron44,Jul 12 2006
11:24 PM

Secondly, how the hell does McCann not know who Brian Fuentes is? I mean, it is almost impossible to see the release point of Fuentes which makes him very immortal.

it's a joke.. nobody knows about the rockies....
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
yankees27in06
Member Avatar

Members
haha that was great
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
hankaaron44
Member Avatar
Canada
Research Team
What would really be funny is if France qualifies for the next WBC and one of their players hits an Italian player of high profile like Frank Catalanotto. In retaliation, Cat headbutts the pitcher!

Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
C101
Member Avatar
Cardinals take it in their Pujols
Members
hankaaron44,Jul 12 2006
10:58 PM
What would really be funny is if France qualifies for the next WBC and one of their players hits an Italian player of high profile like Frank Catalanotto. In retaliation, Cat headbutts the pitcher!

that'd be funny,, but why did you say it lol
Posted Image

Quote:
 
“At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings,” Kawamoto’s coach was quoted as saying. “There was a danger he could get injured.”

Quote:
 
"You know what's amazing?" Piniella asked. "Umpires make mistakes sometimes, and when you question them, you end up paying the consequences."
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
BlueJaysfan
Member Avatar

Members
hahaha to funny :P
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
detroittigerfan28
Member Avatar
:)
Members
Derek Jeter: alex, the miami ocean doesnt exist
A-Rod: Oh.


haha i love it.
Vote for Josh Hamilton for the 2008 All Star Game.
Posted Image
"I'd have to go with Curtis. He's a six-tool player. Off the field, he's pretty
good, too. He can run. He can hit (and hit for power). He can throw. He can
field. And he's good-looking." -Torii Hunter choosing Granderson over Sizemore
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
PAUL KONERKO 14
Member Avatar

Banned
lol that was so funny
[align=right]Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Moo.
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night!

Oct. 21 Bears @ Eagles, Bears will own the Eagles.
Blindsided, I told you penal cancer makes you gay.
[/align]
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
DaeHan
Member Avatar

Members
I don't get the miami ocean one with Arod tho.
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · MLB · Next Topic »
Add Reply