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| How do I Manage? | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 17 2013, 09:40 AM (274 Views) | |
| HeartCard | Sep 17 2013, 09:40 AM Post #1 |
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The God Damn HeartCard
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This was something you asked in the shoutbox once, and I never really gave you an answer to it. Well, the sheer fact of it is...I don't manage. There is just so much for me to take care of constantly that I'm just living one panic attack to the next. There's the actual upkeep of this site. That's minor. There's the upkeep of IRC. That's minor. The daily addition of FGW. That's minor. Now there's the daily update to Grail Battles. That's minor. There is the daily checkup on the other communities. That's minor. And that would all be so minor, if it didn't add up. Altogether, all of that takes up a fair bit of my time. But there's so much more on top of that. I have to keep watch on the community. See how the overall population is feeling and reacting to things at the moment. Not just the forums, or facebook, but in-game as well. I have to keep up with the datapedia, and I don't even do a good job of that. I have about three hours of recorded data for the speed chart that I just haven't gotten around to. I do my events, because people enjoy being a part of them. I don't even open them for myself normally, it's mostly just because I get so many requests for them. I also tend to spend a lot of time replying to questions in-game about things. Things I don't even feel should be asked to me, like strategy or meta-related things. I'm supposed to be known as being bad at the game, and yet no one seems to remember that fact but me. Instead I get to deal with a constant stream of harassment in almost any room I go in. All because someone doesn't like me or the way I act. And don't even think it doesn't have an emotional toll on me. It starts to add up. Worst of all that; I have to keep up this BitchCard attitude in-game, because it's what people have come to expect and anticipate. The other day I asked Pat if there was a gear he was wanting to buy off me, I thought I remembered there being one. That question freaked him out a little. He thought I was offering to gift him one of the new legendaries. The idea of HeartCard randomly gifting people stuff was so shocking he didn't know how to respond for a few minutes. To him, it made more sense when I clarified I was asking if he wanted to buy one of my gears. That hit me pretty heavy. I don't like that idea. I don't like being greedy or stingy. If possible, I'd love to just gift people stuff at random. I'd still be picky, I'd never gift a beggar or someone who is just a prick to the community, but I'd still like to hand out gifts, ya know? But I can't do that either. I don't have the finances to do that. I help Carrot with his little ebay shop. Somehow all the work ended up getting put on me. And a lot of people forget this, but I'm still in College. I have my own classes to deal with. Yeah Pinkie helps on Biology, but I'm actually really bad at math. I'm absolutely terrible at it. College Algebra is kicking my ass daily. And of course, the only class left to sign up for was a Flex I. So the entire course is crammed into half the timeframe it should need. There are a few more classes on top of that, but they're minor. And then there's my work. Which frankly I haven't had much time to do because of everything else. But that can just outright blow an entire day out of my week. There's so much more to do than that. I still haven't even finished Rune Dream. And I've only JUST NOW got word from Carrot on what format the models have to be in for MBO, so NOW I also have to start modeling in a program I've never even TOUCHED before yesterday. All for an MMO project that might never even see the light of day at this rate. All because Carrot can't get his god damn ass in gear. But that's fine. Because it's my job to fix that too. And it's not just Carrot, but there's also Pinkie, and EVERYONE ELSE I meet in my damn life. EVERYONE needs help, EVERYONE needs insight into something, EVERYONE needs advice, and I don't have a single god damn person to give it to me. But I'm used to that. That was what I picked, I chose to be the one to learn about people, to care about humanity. God damn, even everyone who frequents IRC doesn't really grasp how screwed up my body is right now. My psyche is literally built so that I CANNOT succeed. Because that would mean I'm on a pedestal above people who couldn't succeed. Can't have that, because then I can't give advice. How can you give advice while looking down at people? I'm SO convinced that everyone is equal, that my psyche is BLOCKING me from doing things to succeed. I literally cough blood over my keyboard when I try to work on Rune Dream or model anything. I can't make music anymore, my hands freeze up and my eyes burn. There are some days where I wake up in so much pain that I literally have to wait it out for a few minutes before I can get out of bed. So paralyzed in pain that I can't even call for help even if I could speak. There are days where my vision is so blurry that I have trouble distinguishing Pinkie's face from a wall. Days where my vision is so distorted that I can't see color correctly. I haven't even talked about Violet in awhile. Because I lost her somehow. She got lost in my mind somehow. She went looking for something to fix me, and now she hasn't come back in at least two or three months. You asked me how I manage? Well, I really don't. I'm so far past overwhelmed that it's not even serious anymore. It's just absurd. Heh, I'm not even convinced of it myself. I must be delusional, because I just look at everything I have to do and just think... "What are you complaining about? That's not that much. You just want attention. Your body doesn't hurt. You just want attention. You'll do anything for attention, won't you?" That's all I think about whenever I rationalize anything about myself. I'm a drama whore, nothing is as bad as I make it out to be. A lot of people have come to the idea that I plan out things down to the most minor of details. It's almost impossible to catch HeartCard off guard unless you're unbelievably stupid. And don't get me wrong, I can plan things out perfectly just like that. But I almost never do. I have contingencies in place? Back-up plans for when things go wrong? Don't make me laugh. I just improvise. I realized years ago just how taxing it would be to calculate all likely occurrences and compensate for them. Even back then, the sheer toll and stress that puts on one's body is absurd. It's not worth it normally. That's why I never play any game seriously. Sure, I could win, but I'd probably physically collapse for a few hours after that. So instead, I just have this infinite amount of optimism to keep pushing myself with. "There's a way to do this. There's always a way. I'm just not looking hard enough. I'm just being lazy. There has to be a way. What is the solution?" I'm not the egotistical arrogant bitch everyone has come to know. I'm terrified and scared. I feel useless and filled with sorrow. Everyone is equal, so what good am I? I'm not even a real person, so everyone can do anything I can do. Sure, physically I look good. But emotionally I'm a wreck, and mentally I'm a massive pile of doubt and ruination. I don't manage. I'd like to, but I don't. I just keep pushing. That's all I can do really. |
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| BirthdayBoy Noir | Sep 17 2013, 10:38 AM Post #2 |
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Shell Salesman
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I love you heart. |
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| Sticky | Sep 17 2013, 01:17 PM Post #3 |
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I dare say, Quack!
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HeartCard my boo. |
| Signatures is broken | |
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| SolarMoon | Sep 17 2013, 01:41 PM Post #4 |
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I am a Duck, Sir.
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I guess im done for now. Spoiler: click to toggle well, yeah. I hope this helps, and if it doesn't help, or it makes things worse, I'm sorry. Edited by SolarMoon, Sep 17 2013, 09:53 PM.
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| SpadesMagnes | Sep 17 2013, 04:59 PM Post #5 |
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Sharp Pun
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I wish I could help in something... |
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Pretty much me when I play: Zorro Rockstar Shaman Death Knight Hawkeye | |
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| A$AP Rocky | Sep 17 2013, 05:03 PM Post #6 |
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Of Virtue, of Feathers. Quack.
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Ive never seen you in game or even heard of you before i came here but i love you too heart |
LiveTyping.com
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| Dantel | Sep 17 2013, 05:10 PM Post #7 |
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Grow the Duck up
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You should take the time away from MBO and Lost Saga then and take the time to "cooldown" a bit. If you feel that way, why not take a break? You could focus on other stuff till then. You could get someone else you trust to run the Grail Wars until you get back. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, pushing you to get things done. I'm sure once you've cooled off, you'll feel good as new and ready to shove life's problem in it's ugly face. Just try to stay frosty, and try again later. Edited by Dantel, Sep 17 2013, 05:11 PM.
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![]() "Are you there God? It's me, Dantel." - C. Medic [IGN: Dantel] | |
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| SpadesMagnes | Sep 17 2013, 05:21 PM Post #8 |
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Sharp Pun
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this I thought you enjoyed making all the stuff you do, but if you hurt yourself in the process, you should stop for a while, get a break, relax a bit |
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Pretty much me when I play: Zorro Rockstar Shaman Death Knight Hawkeye | |
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| Zaealix | Sep 17 2013, 05:21 PM Post #9 |
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Don Ducky Diago
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...It's not unlike the Servant. Powerful and Mighty, the Great Saber HeartCard! But for as impressive as that gigantic arsenal may be, through all the battles, the weapons crumble bit by bit, until there's nothing left. And the Arrogant trait (I suppose replaced here by the Psyche Block on Success.) Prevents the use of Nobles... |
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| Mondongo | Sep 18 2013, 12:07 AM Post #10 |
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Grow the Duck up
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MMK. A big FK you too Heart.
Edited by Mondongo, Sep 18 2013, 08:09 PM.
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| "Drain cap? LOL no, +134" | |
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| Stickybun | Sep 18 2013, 05:10 AM Post #11 |
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Of Virtue, of Feathers. Quack.
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take a break goddamn heart |
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| HeartCard | Sep 18 2013, 06:42 AM Post #12 |
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The God Damn HeartCard
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You know...I wasn't really...asking for advice. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought but...I'm fine. The point is that I don't manage everything. But I don't intend to either though. I don't manage, and I don't bother with the reality of that. I just keep pushing, because there's really nothing else I can do. There's no point to dwelling on things, or getting upset if things go wrong. It's a waste of time, it's illogical. And anyone who suggests a break is misguided. That kind of mindset doesn't handle "Breaks" well. It's wouldn't be a break, it would be a pointless delay. Time that could be spent more productively than a "break". You don't really get to take a break if you're doing it right. If you can actually pull yourself away from something to take a break, then you're not that involved in it to begin with. You should never take a break from doing what you love. To do that would be to betray your very heart. I am overwhelmed, yes. And it would certainly be nice for me to have someone with information I did not have to help me. But there are things within control and outside it. I cannot imagine a person knowing more about humanity while retaining their sanity, frankly I question if I even still have my own. And I may be overwhelmed, but it is my decision to pursue that. Being overwhelmed doesn't make things hopeless, it just means you need to push even harder. Also Mondongo: Shut up. You're so desperate to be rejected that it's pitiable. You WANT to be hated, but you're too normal for anyone to bother hating. Alonso is gone? Are you joking? He's in IRC often, you even TALK to him there(and I'm sure elsewhere as well). if you need to be physically near someone to consider them nearby, you would do well to re-evaluate what it is that defines your humanity. |
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| BirthdayBoy Noir | Sep 18 2013, 07:10 PM Post #13 |
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Shell Salesman
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Dannnngggg |
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| Dantel | Sep 19 2013, 12:26 PM Post #14 |
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Grow the Duck up
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Burnt. But anyways, you should trust one of us to do the work for you! Let it be someone else's problem for once. |
![]() "Are you there God? It's me, Dantel." - C. Medic [IGN: Dantel] | |
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| BirthdayBoy Noir | Sep 19 2013, 07:35 PM Post #15 |
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Shell Salesman
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Putting all the stress on another person when you can handle it isn't cool, don't listen to Dantel |
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| HeartCard | Sep 19 2013, 11:16 PM Post #16 |
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The God Damn HeartCard
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Goodness, I'd love to...Cept that'd require: A. Telling them what is going on background-wise. B. Trusting they can write worth a candy. |
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| Stride | Sep 19 2013, 11:47 PM Post #17 |
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Grow the Duck up
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| HeartCard | Sep 20 2013, 06:32 AM Post #18 |
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The God Damn HeartCard
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I love you all too, ya bastards. :/ |
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6:41 AM Jul 13