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Rock’s family reunion:; a.k.a. Goomba is as Goomba does
Topic Started: Jul 30 2008, 04:08 PM (95 Views)
ohiogirlie74
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The Family DiRock arrives at the reunion, more than an hour late, naturally, but he’s still one of the first ones there. Mrs. Rock smacks him and explains that if he hadn’t rushed her, she could have spent a few more minutes on her hair so it would look halfway decent – all it needed was a couple more cans of aqua net, and it was presentable. At least she had time to pull all the tags off his new shoes, belt, and 7-piece D&G ensemble with the gold trim. Without her, he’d be a mess. As they approach the party, they see that the 11 tables the family pushed together for the picnic are beginning to already look crowded.

Rock decides to set up a lawnchair near the olive & meatball tray. Mrs. Rock reminds him to put the plastic cover on the lawn chair before he sits on it. Then she goes off to where they were keeping the vino, and he has an opportunity to catch up with some of his kin:

First, Rock starts talking with uncle Tony, who when he saw Rock last, began an argument over whether it was called ‘sauce’ or ‘gravy’ that has never been resolved. Rock still has an impression in his cheekbone where Tony smacked him with his pinkie ring. Then Cousin Tony came over and told a heartbreaking tale about nearly going off to become a priest, but then running into a gorgeous gondolier nobody could resist, little bitta this, little bitta that, bada bing, bada boom, they broke up, and now Tony – er... Tonietta wants to become a Sister at Our Lady of Persistent Hair Growth.

Uncle Joe was looking good after his car accident, where he inadvertently wrapped his new Ferrari around a gelato stand in South Jersey. What wasn’t lookin’ so hot about Joey was his new gold chain; it was probably only 5mm thick and barely hung down past the second shirt button. He looked ridiculous. Everybody knows your dress chains gotta be your bes’ chains! His son, “other cousin Joe” remembered Rock from growing up together; they lived on the same street. When their eyes met, they flashed back to the time they were busted for drinking 3 jugs of dinner wine and singing Sinatra tunes while they were supposed to be attending the bridal shower for little Carla Molsonetti being held in the garage. (Who wants to see some broad unwrap like 19 pasta mills and 7 crock pots anyway?!)

Big cousin Joe remembered Rock from growing up together; they lived on the same street, too. Rock almost didn’t recognize him. He grew up to be like, 6’1” and everyone used to tease him about probably being the UPS guy’s kid. Aunt Cindy was always ordering new Track Suits from the Home Shopping Club. Come to think of it... the kid could barely carry a tune. Rock began to suspect ‘Big Joe’ was probably an Irish spy named ‘Robert’ or something. Then they ran into Sicilian cousin Joe, who remembered Rock from growing up together; they lived on the same street, too. Rock was glad he could make it, last everyone heard, Sicily Joe got pretty deep in Racehorse debts to some guys in Philly. Thank goodness he turned it all around and became a hairdresser. He’s got his own shop in the Bronx, now, givin’ fellas the $10 slick-back special. Man, it’s a sharp look. Even better with that new spray tan right up on there, Machissimo Perfecto!!

Aunt Mary lost a bunch of weight and got a short haircut since she was one of the 14 bridesmaids in Rock’s mom’s wedding, and she’s lookin’ good! Now, if only we can get her to stop making out with everyone here who’s not blood relatives ---- Hey! That’s My Mrs. Rock! Give her shirt back! Whoa!

Rock’s hand started to throb, and he knew Grams was near. Grandma Mary used to smack Rock’s hand with her spoon every time he’d reach for another mozzarella ball. Appears she still has that spoon tucked into her orthopedic anklet. Rock knew he better be on good behavior, no swearing, neither. That woman had eyes in the back of the eyes in the back of her head. Meanwhile, Grandpa Joe was talking about cars with Sid, the neighbor. Sid and Joe used to talk for hours about their dream cars, both wanted big black Cadillacs, but differed on the issue of whitewall tires. Grandpa stopped talking for a moment to throw a dirty look at Uncle Leo, who is still living with Grandma and Grandpa. He does look great, though, since Rock last saw him – heck, had to be 10 years ago at Leo’s 35th birthday party.

Around the 5th course of dinner, it’s getting to be like 3:00pm, and other cousin Tony (Tony Meatballs) remembered Rock from growing up together; they lived on the same street, too. Tony reminded Rock of the time they went off to Vatican camp together, and all the fun they had chargin’ guys to look up Sister Tallulah’s ‘skirt’ that they had rigged up with a ladder, some black fabric, and a feather duster. It was hilarious to see how white those kids’s faces would be comin’ out from under there. Too bad they got caught. Upside, they didn’t tell Father Peterson how much they were chargin’, so, they got to keep the dough. I think Rock still has the musical JP2 rosary he bought with his share.

Other cousin Mary remembered Rock from growing up together; they lived on the same street, too. She invited some of Rock’s childhood pals, even though they weren’t technically Roccuzos -- they were still part of the festivities, you know how it is. Guiseppe, Joseph, Joey, and Joe were all there, and his first crush Josephine, whose mustache looked as lovely and full today as it ever had.

Then, a round of bocce started up over by the cheese table, and that’s the last we heard of poor Rock.
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Jakes_Monkey
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Not bad :) I will try to work one up after work tonight.
Everyones Favorite Absolute Illiterate Idiot TM
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:rocklawr
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nice....I do have a Grandma Mary, but she is on my Dad's side

only one Joey in the family believe it or not

I do have a Uncle Sonny (real name Angelo) and a Uncle Butch (real name Ralph)

go to town folks...Ohio has set the bar
"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward."
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StockRock1
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OG, excellent. That has to be one of the best thesis's (or is that thesi?) I've read in a long time.

Ehh, this isn't really what's gonna happen this year, just some highlights of last years party.


And what a reunion it was. They were coming from over the world for this "little" get together. From as far away as Bensonhurst and as close as freaking next door, Ron and the rest of the Popeil's were quickly putting the rotisserie's to work.

It would seem strange to most gatherings, but this family always began their get togethers by sitting around a tv and playing a 30 minute infomercial. It was pretty funny when little Kathy screamed out, "oh no, we forgot to bring the Miracle Blade", just as old Granpa Ron was coming on the screen saying, "that's right, when you buy this $3.99 butter knife we also throw in a set of 6 steak knives, a $13.99 value. But that's not all, we also give you 8 carving knives, a $17.99 value. But that's not all, we also include 4 camping knives, a $27.99 value. But that's not all........".

Yes, they also realized that 7 minutes of that was more than any person can handle. It wasn't soon thereafter that sounds were coming from Ron's FIL's picture window....next door. Glancing over they all saw him cutting down two dried out salami's and three logs of cheese. Of course the other 32 hanging suasages and various cheese's would still need some sun to get just right. Is it any wonder there's never a get together in his house? Just as FIL was coming out to the party he notices his "favorite" son walking his dog. FIL starts chasing him with a salami screaming...."you have to bring your !@#$%^&* dog all the way out here just to pee on my lawn"? This world is going to crap.

The party was in full swing with everyone stuffing their gourds with everything in sight. Drinks were overflowing and it was pretty funny realizing that they were al conversing with loaded mouths. Yes, it was all muffled noises, but they each seemed to understand each other.

At long last Ron was able to hear the final guests showing up. As he turned from the front lawn group he saw the 1976 red Monte Carlo, with landau roof pulling up to the curb while honking the horn which sang out....hear comes the bride. Yes, Ron's little brother worked for the "An Offer You Can't Refuse" wedding hall on 86th street and 18th avenue in Bensonhurst. Stepping out of the car with his girlfriend on his arm while carrying her home made Tony's Pizzeria tomato sauce (which doubled as touch up paint for the Monte Carlo). Ron always marveled how his little brother (whom most of the family thought was gay, not there's anything wrong with that**) was living with a lesbian. The stories...oh the stories.

Our dear Ronald felt a bit hungry and walked over to the cheese dip. Strange as it may seem to others that the only thing to dip into the cheese dip were pieces of cheese, Ron was about to put a piece intohis mouth when M'Lady slapped him on the backside of the head and gave him two celery sticks. "Don't forget your diet, you know that if you lose those last 40 pounds you'll only be considered obese".

Well, the party was at it's peak, with everyone eating, drinking and making merry (except of course for the star of our show, who had to feed the ravenous caverns), when one of his daughters shrieks. All turn to the side of the house just in time to see two bears, an elk, four skunks and a squirell coming towards the food. Front lawn was empty in 4 seconds.

The house was jammed with even the bathroom having 9 people in it. Waiting and hoping for the wild beasts to clear the area everyone tried to get confortable. Ron turns and notices his nephew Alfonso reaching for the flush handle. He screams out....."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, we just finally got that fixed".

Only one thing goes through Ron's mind at this point......Screw this crap. From now on the party is gonna be at Rosie's and I'll teach them all a real good lesson. I'm inviting Stock to be the host. Yada, yada, yada..................

Rock, how in hell do you have a familly get together without inviting me to begin with? I bet painted pants will be there. Sheesh.

**ASR
Maybe that turns you on, morons; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies.
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ohiogirlie74
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Nicely done, stock!! It's almost like you've BEEN there!
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