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Round 9; A dagger to the heart...again and again.
Topic Started: Oct 21 2013, 11:30 PM (111 Views)
Maxxie
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^Alol @ that pic. This would be so much more perfect if I used it at F4 but by tomorrow we'll be at F3 and there's a good chance that won't even be the F4 because Cassie is a beast when she wants to be so its best we got this pic of the way now.

Just fucking lol @ this whole round :/ I knew this day was coming for a long time. I actually thought it'd go down a lot worse than it actually did. That's not to say it was easy but at least...nobody is screaming at me telling me I just gave up my chance to win. :cry

I fucked up that challenges so bad :cry And when Tony told Sid to pick the middle one I knew he didn't have it either and it really was going to a vote. And then I had to fucking lie like a greasy used cars salesman. I used to get pleasure from doing this, where did my killer instinct go? I need to find it again.

And then the votes...were read. And I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But of course there was a re-vote. Where Chris was like, why lie? And I didn't even have an answer for him. Why not tell him that's what I wanted all along? Idfk. Apparently he would have done it if that's what I wanted. I guess I just wanted to play him? To blindside him, make something happen he didn't see coming. Maybe a small part of the old me still exists.

Cassie just wanted an explanation which I didn't have time to give her. And then Abi. Oh my sweet Abi who I was a shit ally to, she tells me I was actually her #1 all along. :cry :cry :cry Fucking hell. I can't remember the last time I dicked over someone who really had my back all the way like this. I really really should have pushed harder to make it someone else, but I cracked since it was Tony facing the tie and he should get to decide who he wants to face off against.

Then Chris switches his vote :lol: Fucking lol. I was not expecting that. I don't think anyone was. I don't even know what his reasoning was. To make fake amends with Tony after voting for him? To make it seem like he was in on it all along? Because apparently that's what Cass though, so I just made up a lie and told her he was. Roflcopter. His word is kind of out the window now.

So I say my tearful goodbyes to Abi, begin celebrating with my boys and then boom. LOLPWNT. Worst lolpwnt ever btw. I don't know how I feel about that twist but let's just say even on paper it did not seem like a good idea. :lol: I guess on tonight of all nights, it was the best time for it to happen with a tie in store. It literally could have changed the outcome of the entire night. For which I would have been livid.

It was so fucking awkward. That challenge, like whatever. Tony winning was actually really annoying because it meant they were voting for Sid or me instead. I really thought there was a chance they'd do me instead, for being a fucking shady arsehole to them :cry But they did Sid which I guess is the smarter choice despite his latent challenge prowess. That vote was more of a formality, I knew our side wasn't changing. I thought Chris was going to just flip again, but apparently he voted Sid initially because he couldn't trust us not to 3-2-1 him? :lol: :lol: :lol: Fucking hot mess alert.

And then it was a tearful goodbye to Abi once again. ;____; Her having to go through that twice must have been so traumatic. I didn't enjoy a second of it. It wasn't a delicious blindside, it was just sad for me. Because I was giving up a good ally for me and I'm not even positive it was the best move. But I have been with Sid and Tony since the first fucking round and I just stick to my guns. I guess in a sick twisted way that makes me loyal. I'm loyal to the people I first swore loyalty to and everyone else is game for getting fucked over.

I just sent Cassie and Chris both an explanation for what I did :o I actually made it sound really convincing I think, which is so funny because I made it sound like it was purely because I thought Chris/Abi/Cassie were a threesome which is true, but not the ultimate reason. The ultimate reason is because Sid and Tony are my boys, plain and simple. They have been from the start and they always will be. And we just declared victory on them. And this game. And tomorrow nothing can go wrong because its Survivor and we just all made the final four.

And if they try to fuck me over now that I did this for them I will seriously become disillusioned with people in general and probably revert back to my backstabbing ways as a form of karmatic cleansing and retribution. :angry: But no. Despite my sadness for how my relationship with Abi ended, it was ultimately a good night because I am in a majority situation with my two bffs at long last :<3 Maxxie is such a conflicted little angel ^_^

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Mark
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Angel? Hardly.
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Maxxie
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Quote:
 
Quote:
 
You do deserve an explanation and I will try to provide one, as best I can. I have it all laid out in my head why it makes sense and now I need to convey it into words without sounding like a sodding idiot.  :lol:

Basically, the crux of it all was that I was under the impression that you/Chris/Abi were a threesome for some time now. I got this feeling because I've always been on good terms with Chris and Abi, even grouped together with them. And then all of a sudden I get messages along the lines of "you should get closer with Cassie, she really wants to work with you!" Not quite so transparent of course, but that was the gist of it. And then I got the feeling I was being slot filled into this role, this final four deal even that I did not necessarily want.

But this is before I got to know you. Having gotten to know you, I would say that's a final four I would have been perfectly content with in all honestly, however. We are playing a game where there are people beyond just the four of us. And I have always had good relations with Sid and Tony. I'm sure that much has always been clear no matter how I tried to hide it.

Even if, say I had gone along with this Tony vote. At five, what would bloody happen if Sid won immunity? The bloke has proven quite capable as of late, after all. I, being what I felt like the last one brought into our final four arrangement, a 4th wheel, as it were, would almost certainly be shit out of luck then. So instead I took this chance and kept an obvious pair in to try and break up what I felt like an even obvious threesome.

Now, at least we would still have the numbers in a vote to break Sid/Tony up if we were all up for it. And I can't say that the upside of those two not targeting me after I came through for them tonight doesn't play a role as well. :P But in all honesty, it was a game move. I did not do it out of malicious intent. I do apologize for misleading you about my intentions vote-wise, but I had to go all in with you guys, because of Pair Up and because we couldn't be sure a Survivor round even existed. So that is why.

I don't want you to think our bonding these past few days was all bullshit because it wasn't. Just because I didn't vote Tony doesn't mean we didn't make a hell of a lot of progress with one another. I did try to look out for you. They both wanted to try you at one point or another, but I knew it to be a bad idea. I just hope I haven't made things all weird between us, I was dreading tonight very much. But cripes, this is the game and we all came to play it.

Anyway, I wrote so much because I care, and because I feel you deserve an explanation. I'm just very sorry I couldn't tell Abi on her way out because...there was a chance she could win the tiebreaker and just sink me on her return :lol: If you wish to clear anything up that would be nice, maybe I am completely wrong, about everything. But you can only go with what you think you know about these people. We're none of us perfect. At least we're still here, right? Cheers love.


I have a few things on my mind but I'll try to go through this piece by piece.

We were never a trio, obviously. I understand how you could have gotten that perception and I don't blame you for having it. It's a little bit of a nuisance that you would doubt me and where my loyalties are, and of course you must have if you thought I was going to fuck you over in a final four scenario with them. I've said this:

Cassie
 
Initially, Max and I started to chat out of necessity and because we were pushed into it. But frankly, as I've gotten to talk more and more in depth with the lad, he's grown on me stupendously to the point where I might trust him the most in the game. Out of everyone. We recognise where we stand in relation to each other and that we essentially fill the same sort of role within an alliance, so it's best to stick together, and not fall apart at the hands of some smooth-sailing puppet masters.


Cassie
 
After this tosh, it's practically official that Max is my closest ally left. Because now, Abi and I only communicate when there's a dire issue at hand. She's grown quieter. Chris... I don't even know what his true intentions are, sadly. But Max has his head screwed on right and while he could be suckering me I have the feeling I can trust him.


From my confessional, obviously. And I hadn't even been able to write about us making a solid, more firm deal for the end. And now I'm not sure I can ever trust you as much as I once did even if I understand your motives. There's just so much intrigue left, though.

You thought we were a trio, and yet Chris presumably was in on this plan as you stated, and had to have discussed it with you. So how could we even be a trio if he's in your ear trying to take Abi down? I knew immediately it wasn't just one person who flipped when the votes came up. I thought the idea was to let Abi get to the tiebreaker, where she'd of course get her arse kicked by Tony, and then you both still have someone "in the clear" to play both sides. But I'm bloody confused as to why he tied and flipped and tied and flipped.

Abi also never would have betrayed you. She worshipped the ground you walked on. I do mean to guilt trip you, sorry for that, but I feel I must speak for her since she didn't get the chance. She was madly in love with you and never would have thought you could do this to her. She and I were never the true pair, it was you two in her mind. And she told me as much, that she trusted the shit out of you and you were her rock early on and had continued to be that for the second half of the game. That was when we nervoused over somebody possibly betraying the alliance for Tony. She insisted you wouldn't because she thought you gave a damn about her.

I know you had your reasons and I can't argue with what you were thinking, but what you were thinking was wrong and now I'm not only thinking I can't win. I don't think you can win either. It's Tony's. I would ask two things of you right now: one, explain to me how Chris is involved in all this, how that came to be, especially since you say it all originated with your suspicion that me, Abi, and Chris himself were a threesome. And two, don't lie to me, I couldn't bear it, it would just be cruel. And there's literally nothing I can do to prevent my going home if I'm to go home, except winning immunity, so you have no reason to lie.

I'm sorry for sounding rough and like a bitch right now, but it's been stressful enough and I just don't want to be lied to again. Chris and his acting during the voting periods practically had me slamming the computer and walking away, but that's something I need to discuss with him. Tony's just got three more challenges to win and he wins the whole game.


If you feel like reading my exchange with Cassie which I know y'all probably won't.

TL;dr version...I now feel like more shit than I already did :/ I knew Abi likely saw me as her number one and she thought so highly of me and I let her down by showing my true colors ;_; But I honestly didn't really believe CASSIE trusted me the most of all people.

Holy hell its like I'm too proficient at getting people to trust me for my own good. Just now Chris confessed he saw me and him as a duo and him and Cassie as a duo and he wanted me/him/her F3 :/ How about you bloody tell me that ahead of time?

Well who am I kidding here. I was in a no win situation as soon as a Survivor vote came up. I have all these relationships and I can't keep them all. Not only that, but they don't relate to each other the way I want them to. How can you make a choice when practically everyone wants you in the F3 with them?

I'm not gonna second guess myself and have regrets what I did....just yet. But right now I'm feeling like I'm Nick again with the obvious Kaitlin/Aaryn that is Tony/Sid. I guess the one difference is I was actually with them from the fucking start. Like seriously, its all documented. Hell I'm pretty sure I got to at least one of them before they warmed up to each other. Sid? Maybe both. I'm not completely delusional here :/ I'm trying to justify all this to myself because with each message I get taken aback a few steps.

Whether or not I'll beat them or whether or not they'll take me to the F2 is a different story. Tony just said he would. Probably because he knows he can beat me now. :rolleyes: And well what even is the alternative at this point? I sure as hell won't be beating Cassie. I have much love for her now, but I don't actually want to lose to her. Chris? After his Dreamz-like performance tonight maybe he is my mealticket. Or he could very well be someone else's.

There are no absolutes when it comes to ORGs. This whole round tonight has sort of given me an existential crisis and I'm glad I can still have various new experiences like this even after like...50 games. I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Like am I an idiot for playing like this? Am I doing the right thing for my game? For my friends? For what I want? I don't know. But like I really don't feel good about what I had to do tonight and now I have to do it all over again tomorrow.

Chis/Abi will be adamant I vote Tony. Tony/Sid will be adamant I vote Cassie. Either way I will come out smelling like shit and my chances of winning will go down even more. Sometimes I wish I could just get high and not give a fuck about it all. Like who even cares about winning, seriously? But I guess a small part of me actually does :/ And that part of me will always be left wondering whether I'm walking closer to the gold or back further and further away from it.

Sorry, I'm just having another #MaxxiemumMeltdown -_- Its par the course now.
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Josh
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He totally is an angel.

As far as the on paper twist thing goes I like it but my only regret with it was not having another card with a double on it. Having it be Survivor again nearly ensures the same outcome in almost any round, though that may have been the closest it'd get to changing.
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Maxxie
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Alol you posting right after I posted that ;_;

I need to watch some skins now. BBL :<3
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Josh
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Oops yeah I did not see your other post alol

Regardless of what you do you have been amazing here and all these updates and everything you are doing is super compelling. :<3
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Maxxie
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Thanks, I actually think gamewise I've done brilliant things, its just that I'm a hot mess internally so I'm glad my full trainwreck value is on display for all to see after the game. :/

I miss Abi, it actually haunts me that she loved me so much and she even talked about it openly with Cassie and she was *so sure* I would never betray her because she thought I was a good person ;____; I've learned you can't be a good person and get everything you want in games. I guess you can try to be good and bumblefuck your way through it, but that's just not me.

I just want her to know that I did care about her and I did consider her my #1 at various points. These final formats really did fuck things up for us. Like if it wasn't Survivor I never would have been forced to vote for her. I would have saved her in a Pair Up, like legit. I wouldn't have voted to evict her in BB if there were other options. It just sucks because she'll think I was playing her the whole time and that's not exactly true. :cry :cry :cry

Ok enough with the mopey.

This round is actually super simple in my mind. I've set myself up as the swing vote once again and by all intents and purposes I should be. Its Cassie/Chris against Sid/Tony. I already made my choice once and people might think I should ~obviously~ break up Sid/Tony now...

I already know that Cassie/Chris are a duo. He flat out told me. And now after last night they'll know if they don't have each other they don't have anyone. They are saving each other in every Pair Up situation. Which leaves me worse off than going with Sid and Tony because at least they've both told me separately that its me and them until the end. I know its dumb to take anything people say at face value right now but its more believable coming from them than from Cassie or Chris :/

Basically as far as my game plan goes for tonight I just want to get to F3 with my boys. I mean...I won't be ~totally~ crushed if it doesn't happen. Maybe its almost better for my chances if we're not the F3 but the heart wants what it wants. I actually feel like I can talk either of them into taking me if its not already on their minds. Or maybe I'm being completely delusional about how I'm perceived and what their real relationship is with each other :lol:

Either way, its simple for me. Cassie goes first. If she's immune that's much less preferable because I'd be forced to gun for Chris who's sort of fallen into a more goaty status after his mess of a night. I just hope the boys don't get the idea to keep him in over me -_- And then at 4, its about challenges. Win and get the F3 I want, or lose and have it be out of your hands. I think Chris is pretty aware his chances are better against me than either of them. And I have told him I am aware of the same. I'm not aware of anything actually. But even if it were true it doesn't matter to me.

So I suppose you can say I'm less nervous about tonight than last night, strangely. I mean I don't think I'm locked for F3 in the least but the odds are as good as they possibly can be. I don't think I should be a target at F5 no matter what and then I just have to perform at F4. Quite simple, really. I mostly hope to avoid Chris and Cassie so I don't have to do any excessive lying today :/ I mean I can't exactly tell them I'm sticking with Sid/Tony before knowing who is immune. But I will tell them during the voting period, probably. Cassie will probably be sodding pissed at me. Why did I get so close to her again? Oh right, Pair Up -_-
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Josh
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I actually think its amazing how you have kept your internal struggle so hidden from everyone, that's not something that I can handle. Either I'm stone cold or I'm melting down for everyone to see, I have no in between. :cry

glsm tonight :<3
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Mark
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You can still try to be a good person and have some self-respect/dignity.

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Maxxie
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What would you know about self-respect and dignity, Mark? :rolleyes:

I've told people I felt like shit for doing that to Abi. I hope I'm not coming across as a weakbitch.org alol.

Actually I want to come across like I'm not confident in my game right now with people remaining so that they think I'll be easy pickings in the finals :<3 Even though I actually am ~struggling~ in a big way. ;_; But if I'm sitting at the end I will put on a brave face and actually own every decision I made even if you all know that's not how Maxxie was behind the scenes.

Presentation is ~everything~ at the right times. I mean I am confident in my game and I think I have played the shit out of it, probably more than any one person can claim. Its easy to have enemies and only focus on your allies, its much harder to be friends with everyone and actually make them respect you and keep that respect even after you've owned them. I dunno if I'll manage to pull off the second part but at least I made everyone fall in love with me at one point or another. :/

I'll try my best tonight, that's all I can do :<3 I haven't won a challenge in so long lul this is getting kind of out of hand now.
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Abigail
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Bjork is such an amazing ally to me. She is the true angel of the season. :cry
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