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About Me

There really isn't much to say about me. I'm just one of the residential vixens of the site and overall am just trying to find my place in the world. I don't have a whole lot to say here, pretty much just PM if there are any questions.

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Feb 21

What have I done....

One question is ringing out loudly for me, what have I done....... I finally summoned up the strength to tell the guy that I like how I felt about him. And now I seem to have shaken everything up. He sounded confused....based on our last talk. I haven't seen him since, but it hasn't been too long yet, I am guessing he just needs time. What did I just do? I don't feel as if I could keep it in anymore, and that he had every right to know.......yet at the same time I'm worried I ruined a perfect friendship. I feel torn apart.....I feared the worst, and while it didn't happen yet there is still a chance it may. I'm not sure what to do right now.
Posted Feb 20 2011, 05:09 PM · 1 comment
Jan 18

What's wrong with me?

Alright, this one is going to be a little......depressing. I do apologize for it, but something I thought I suppressed long ago has returned.

For the longest time I didn't care about anyone emotionally. I wanted to see that everyone was as happy as I could make them, and just kept to myself. One day I met someone, she showed me many things. Most important of them was to open up and actually be sociable, and how to express emotions. She meant so much to me, and in the end she betrayed me, left me. It's taken me a year to get from where I was to where I am.

Now I find that all is not as it seems, and the hurt lives on. I don't know what exactly triggered it, or how, but something tore it asunder. Now there's a bleeding heart where once was something that could at least contain the hurt. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. What did they do right? Where did I go wrong, what is wrong with me? So many questions, no answers. All I can do at this moment is break down. :cry:

I will get past this, one way or another. I just need time, as unbelievable as that is to me. Once that's done I'm sure I can handle the rest. :sob:

I can't say any more about it than what I have already though, it is something that I have dealt with alone. I have lost a great number of friends over it, and I don't want to lose any of my friends over it.
Posted Jan 17 2011, 08:50 PM · No comments
Jan 7

Acceptance?

Well, yesterday a great many things happened. I found some really disturbing photos and a disturbing video on my computer. They were sent to what can be called my ex while we were still 'going out', more or less. We never actually called ourselves a couple, but we had gone out on some pretty serious dates. But, something else came of that incident.

The advice the members had been giving was helpful, but they seemed to be missing something. I hesitated for a while, taking an hour to log off and think. In the end, I decided to reveal the missing facts from the story, and that meant telling everyone what I am.

So now the cat's out of the bag, and the whole site knows that I am a male to female transsexual. I was a nervous wreck that whole time. The comments that were left and the PMs that I had gotten from many people reassured me in the end. Almost every person I have known until now has fled or even refused to acknowledge me after either finding out on their own or from me telling them. This was a most welcome change.

I am glad that everyone here on SFG has understood the situation. I feel awful for not saying anything sooner. Fear got the best of me. I am deeply sorry for anyone who might feel decieved by me. I hope that I can make it up later. At any rate, I am thankful to a degree that it happened.

In the end it was a happy day, and I'm glad to have such friends. I would like to ask one thing to anyone who reads this. I would like to ask to please be refered to as female. I understand that it might be a lot, but if it's at all possible...
Posted Jan 7 2011, 03:23 PM · 4 comments
Jan 4

Looking up.

Well, as promised I'm posting up something that's much happier than the first entry, mostly because there isn't anything negative to put up.

Things are starting to look up now. I begin work next week. Unfortunately this will cut back on my time online, but on the upside I can get away from all the negativity that revolves around this house.

I'm even going to go as far to say that I'm beginning to open up more too. I know when I first joined SFG I had been a member of SF-O for about a week and was still pretty shy. Here I am almost one month later and I'm talking far more than I would ever have before. I have to give credit to the staff and members here at SFG for that. Without you guys most of this wouldn't have happened so fast. Sincerely, thank you all. :smile:
Posted Jan 4 2011, 11:35 AM · 1 comment
Jan 1

First entry

This is my first attempt at a blog, I hope I don't mess it up too much.

Disappointment is the word that comes to mind when I look back on life. My life has been one big disappointment after another. I'm pretty much one of life's failures that people use to base their success off of.

Since I was 5 I've always been different from those around me. A lot of my time was spent in solitude. My mom had changed around that age, for the worse. She became really abusive, and my father became so a few years later as well. It was only toward me however, my younger sibling was praised as the perfect child, while I'm refered to as the disappointment of the family. In the first few years of my life the world that I had known as kind and caring was torn to shreds in a few short weeks.

School was no different, it wasn't an escape from the bad or anything close to it. Even before I started elementary school I had been bullied to no end. It only got worse as time progressed. I was constantly threatened and even beaten a few times at home, and at school I was tormented. It was a wreck. About two years ago I found a friend. We got along great and they showed me a world that I didn't think possible, away from pain.

As things turned out, it wasn't as great as it once appeared. We had gotten more involved with each other than we really should have, and it only deteriorated from there. I hadn't heard any word of them for two weeks. When we finally talked again, I discovered much to my dismay that they had found another significant other. They said that they didn't want to hurt me, so in order to protect me they were just going to keep it a secret. Things kept getting worse between us, till now where we're pretty much nonexistant to each other. Just before it got that bad, I was told to leave, that they didn't want to be responsible for me and that they didn't want me to be hurt anymore. As if that helped anything at all.

I had to move back in with my parents after that, and the abuse from them continued. I haven't been getting beaten anymore, but the threats haven't stopped any. My brother has become so violent that he's threatened to kill me.

This has been on my mind for so long, and I couldn't find any other way to release this stress. I wish to apologize ahead of time if I seem like a self-centered whiny b****. I'm not after sympathy. My only goal with this is to let go of the negativity that has taken ahold of my life in an attempt to become something other than a cold distant and emotionless person.
Posted Jan 1 2011, 01:18 PM · 2 comments