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The Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor; A book I'm intending to write [Steam Punk, Sci-Fi, Fantasy]
Topic Started: Jun 21 2011, 07:31 PM (780 Views)
Shadowclaimer
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So I decided to compile tons of lore I had done for a team for a Real Time Strategy game into a book and self-publish it through Lulu, I'm currently dropping excerpts, short stories, and chapters, around the internet trying to fish for interest and get multiple varying opinions on the story.

The book itself is an amalgamation of Fantasy and Science Fiction, the story takes place in a world called Azaria which is mostly run by the Azarian Empire, the Empire itself is divided into multiple city-states run by the Council of Dukes with each Duke running their own sector. The first book circles around the story of Michael, an heir to be the Arbitor (one of the most prominent Duke positions) and his story of how he grows up to take his father's place and ends up brought into a massive war between the Azarians and another nation.

As I said, its an odd blend of fantasy and sci-fi, it has guns, they wear technological armor and equipment, use laser blades, while in the meantime there are massive cybernetic demons that use "magick" (a blend of technology and magic), undead that run on nanites that flow through their veins, etc. All while living in cottages and tending fields and livestock.

I am, to a point, asking some of you to take it easy, this is my first foray into serious writing (most of my writing my whole life has been essays or notes).

Thank you for your time and possibly feedback ^^

Prologue (Excerpt from Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor)
Quote:
 
Prologue [ROUGH DRAFT]
--

"And then with a mighty swing of his flaming sword, the angel brought all the fury of heaven down upon the leader of the demons. The demon screeched furious bile-filled words out unto the angel as the sword closed in on the demon's face. 'I will pluck every feather out of your wings!', screeched the demon, then in panick he changed his tune, 'You could be one of us! You could be my commander and lead my vast legions!'

'I'd rather slay myself on my own blade than betray the Creator and cast myself into an eternity of servitude to your chains monster!' the angel yelled as he cleaved off the demon's arm clean off,", Ulthern looked up and his son was sound asleep, he closed the dusty old book and placed it onto the shelf.

"One day my son, you shall know the truth in these tales, but until that day comes I shall bear the burden for you," he mumbled as he ruffled the boys hair and walked out of the room and slowly raised his helmet upon his head with a click and a hum.

-- [The next morning]

"Not fair!", a small red haired boy yelled as he fell to the ground, "you swing too hard!'

"Get up! We can't let him win!", the other boy yelled back, both of them holding sticks and boards and pretending to be mighty warriors.

"Rawr, come angels and face me!", a larger stout boy stood on top of the hill with a giant branch in his hands, "your time has come!"

The boys charged at the "demon" as he swung his branch wide and knocked the red haired kid down, the other boy barely dodged it with a hop as he brought his stick down and bonked the other boy in the head.

"Michael, come boy we have work to do!", a yell came from way down the hill.

"Bah, my father is yelling for me I gotta run..", Michael extended his hand to the red headed boy and raised him to his feet, "just gotta be faster next time Thal."

"Easy for you to say, your father actually teaches you,", Thaldur sighed, "my father is always away defeating monsters in the wildlands.."

Michael gave Thaldur a fist bump, "Cheer up Thaldur, he'll be back soon", he turned around and yelled up the hill, "I'll see you later Daren!"

Darenthul thumped his chest and stuck it out proudly, "Later!" he bellowed down the hill.

"Michael! If you're any later it'll be dark by the time we begin!", another yell came up from the cottage.

Michael went running as fast as he could, tonight's training was supposed to be difficult and he knew that every minute he wasted was going to mean less time practicing.

-- [A few hours later]

Ulthern paced the outer edge of the room, trailing his sword on the floor with the sound of metal against stone resonating in the room. "Now my son, do not hold back, I want to see what you are capable of."

Michael picked up his practice sword and charged full speed at his father and swung wide, with a simple hop to the side and a raised blade to catch his son's, Ulthern watched as his son plowed into the wall head first. Michael recoiled in pain and grabbed his head.

"Combat is an art son, your movements should be swift, they should be harmonized, every sweep of your blade, every step of your legs should be in rhythm. You've forgotten your basics." Ulthern sternly stated as he raised his son to his feet, "let's try this again."

Michael ran at his father again but this time ducked to the side and swept wide and his father caught his blade with his gauntlet. "Hey that's cheati..", Michael yelled as his father threw the boy to the ground with one flick of his wrist and pointed his sword at his chest. "There is no cheating in combat son, you use any tools available to you because your opponent wants nothing more than to end your life and will do the same to you."

Getting frustrated Michael grabbed a rather large halberd off the shelf. "What do you think you're doing? We're practicing swordplay, you're still a far way off of using anything that heav.." but before he could react Michael had sliced wide with the halberd in his direction and shattered the stone floor where his father formerly stood, he turned around as his father smirked and swung his blade backhanded towards the boy which Michael parried with the handle of the large halberd and barely held his father's sword at bay.

"I could be wrong however," he laughed but was caught off guard when his son swiftly kicked him in the chest and sent him reeling back.

"You little bastard," he laughed again and charged at his son and swung vertically catching the shaft of the halberd with his sword, he reached behind him and grabbed another sword off the shelf and began slashing both of them, the clang of metal hitting metal filling the room, before finally he swung them both down from above his son and stopped them right above his shoulders.

"You're getting creative, good job son." Ulthern sheathed his sword and put the other one back on the shelf. He looked over at his son, drenched in sweat and panting heavily. "Keep that halberd with you, you can keep it in its scabbard but never take it out unless you absolutely have to."

Michael sat up, his eyes glowing, "you mean it?"

"I haven't heard of any Arbitor using a halberd but who knows, I've heard of stranger weapons used." Ulthern sat down and began polishing his armor. "You scuffed my boots boy..", he glared at his son and they both laughed.

-- [Later that night]

Ulthern's helmet clicked into place with a hum, the Azarite generator inside of it lit it up with an eery shade of light blue, his torso plate erupted in light and his gauntlets clicked close around his fists. It was pitch black and everyone in the village was asleep.

Ulthern walked out of the small cottage and unsheathed his sword, "Creator be my light and watch over my boy, for he will need guidance in the days to come, with your help may he some day be a powerful Arbitor and be the guardian of our people." He looked up at the stars, never before had they shone brighter, as though he had the Creator's approval for his actions. He slowly marched out into the Wildlands until he was out of sight of the village and engaged his armor fully, giant wings made of energy erupted out of the back of it and the hum became louder, his sword erupted in blue flame and his visor brightened up and began feeding him information.

He braced himself and engaged his boots and in an eruption of flame and light disappeared into the Wildlands.

-- [End Prologue]



Short Story - Duke Kalendros
Quote:
 
Kalendros surveyed the woods, "We are not alone..", he bellowed to his cadre of rangers stationed behind him in the trees, "Show yourselves black bloods, so we may end this now."

"But why end this my dear Ranger General, the fun has only just begun..", a figure dressed in dark armor with cybernetics and pipes of black fluid oozing along it walked from behind the trees, his pale skin shined in the darkness of the forest. "You know why we are he-", his voice cut off by a trailing shot on the tree next to him, the entirety of it splinters and falls over. A metallic click rings out as another shell is chambered.

"So be it." he bellows in an almost scream as the roars of a million dead men ignite over the dark woods.

"On your guard men! Rangers to the trees!", Kalendros screamed and faded using his cloaking device, thousands of shots rang out as Wraiths flooded the area, the amalgamations of former living warriors and technological necromancy screech as they enter the woods hunting their prey. Their swords and scythes ready to slay foes for their Dread King.

The Wraith Lord pulled out his large claymore, edged with a resonance blade and began nonchalantly walking forward, cutting down trees in his wake. "Come out.. come out.. wherever you are my dear Duke.. won't the Emperor love to hear how the champion of the tribe of Keltri fell to the blade of one of his most hated enemies?"

Another shot range out, this time severing one of the pipes providing life sustaining black blood to the Wraith Lord, a sharp laugh broke out from the respirator of Kalendros, "My dear Wraith Lord, won't your King have fun resurrecting you for the hundredth time due to your failures?", he fired again and the bullet grazed the cybernetics on the arm of the Wraith Lord with a deafening twang.

The Wraith Lord charged forward up a tree and sliced the barrel of Kalendros's rifle in half barely missing the torso of the cloaked duke and rending his full body cloak and respirator. Reeling back from the feeling of a resonance blade on metal, Kalendros unsheathed his twin blades and fell from the trees, in a whirl of stinging metal and resonation, his blades found the chest of one Wraith and the forehead of another, viscous black liquid pooling out of their bodies as they fall to the ground in clumps.

He barely spun around quickly enough to catch the full might of the Wraith Lord's claymore with both his blades and caught a nick to his mask from the blade's edge. "Pity, was hoping you'd put up a better fight.. your father fought valiantly before I robbed his body of his life essence.." the Wraith Lord hissed as he pushed Kalendros to the ground, his sword pushing heavier against his blades.

Kalendros could hear the silence of his radios, his men were dying, his will was faltering, and his body was failing him. With all of the force he could muster he pushed forward with his swords, but it was now apparent the Wraith Lord was toying with him enjoying every second of his struggle.

"You see Kalendros, this is how it is, you may slay me a thousand times, but I shall return a thousand times to haunt you until you are dead beneath my heels and your body a new toy for the Necromancers.."

In his mind his faith forged a sharp sword. "never..", he bellowed and pushed back as blood began to fill his respirator.

"Yes, struggle, its what I enjoy oh so much in watching the life and spirit fade from you.."

Just then a bright light erupted throughout the clearing, "Onward men, for the glory of Azaria!", a resounding voice echoed over the hillside. A thousand armored soldiers, decked in cybernetic armor roared into the woodlands cutting down thousands of wraiths with their charge.

One figure stood alone among them, walking forward into the fray with a resonance halberd at his side and glorious wings made of energy erupting from his back. As he was charged by foolish Wraiths underestimating the power of the duke, he easily dispatched dozens of them without hassle a low laugh bellowed from his helmet as he watched the Wraith Lord stagger back from his position assaulting Kalendros.

"So this is the best the Dread King can offer, his eternal failure.", the voice echoed from the respirator. "Your 'men' are dead and your errand revealed, turn yourself over so we can provide you a final death and eternal rest."

His laughter overtook the battlefield, the clang of metal on metal and the song it makes is even deafened by it.

"You really think I am afraid of a priest in armor and a hunter of game? I shall enjoy every moment of this.." the Wraith Lord screeched as he charged into action, his weapon meeting the Arbitor's halberd's edge, the resonating sound of their blades meeting covers the area.

"I am the champion of the light, the chosen of the people's souls, you are but a worthless worm who fate deemed weak and cast to the bowels of hell.", the audible bane of his words ringing out through his helmet, his wings reaching out towards the sky in brilliance as he screams it as if to make his point known.

"Cower and know death fool.."

Just then the sound of two resonation blades behind him caused the Wraith Lord to whirl around and meet them with his claymore, the Arbitor's threat beckoning closer as the Wraith Lord unholstered his pistol in one hand and takes up his claymore with hand and a half, holding Kalendros against the ground with one and taking shotgun blasts at the Arbitor with another.

The Arbitor's body shifts with each heavy shot that sings as it hits his armor, suddenly in a fury unmatched his wings burst into flame and he flies forward striking the Wraith Lord and knocking him aside, rending his arm with one slice and with another cutting his shoulder clear off.

"He is mine, for my honor let me take him.", Kalendros's bubbling voice echos in the respirator, choking on blood.

"As you wish, brother", the Arbitor steps back and his wings disappear into the back of his armor, his resonance blade goes silent.

The surviving rangers and the Ranger Lord step forward and surround the maimed body of the Wraith Lord.

"By the fury of the Emperor and the mandate of the imperial order against all those who would oppose his rule or seek to threaten our existence, I cast you back to the pits of hell black blood, may you never know the peace of true existence again."

"F-", the Wraith Lord attempted to eek out a response only to be cut off by the sharp vibrations of resonating blades cutting through his chest and head. The sound of crushing bone and sliced flesh echo throughout the woods as a warning. The corpse slumped forward and black viscous fluid pooled below the body.

"It is done", Kalendros choked as he cleaned his blades.

The Arbitor rested his hand on Kalendros's shoulder, "come brother, we must nurse your wounds lest you meet the same fate as that bastard."

The men walk away from the grim battlefield, knowing very well that this was not the last of the Wraiths and their vile Wraith Lord they had seen. For like all the Dread King's minions they would be resurrected in his dreadful tombs and come back stronger than before.

They could only hope some day to stymy the flow of undeath and stop the plague that tormented them so. The fate of the Empire depended on it.


Chapter X (Excerpt from Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor)
Quote:
 
"So tell me son, what brings you to my doorstep?", the monster shell of a man sat upon a throne in front of Michael, his armor gleamed and hummed as his voice echoed through the halls. He was the Forgemaster, a Duke of the Empire and a mighty warrior and craftsman.

"I seek strength, so that I may be a worthy successor to my father," Michael stated swiftly and humbly, on his knees before the throne.

"I can teach you what you want to know, but first you must prove yourself to me", the voice grew grim, "you have learned combat from some of the best the Empire has to offer correct?"

"My father and a few of his friends have shown me how to handle my way around a blade", Michael responded, knowing full well what his response would lead to.

"Good," the Forgemaster's voice trailed off then boomed, "Guards! Send in the Mastersmith.."

Another large framed man entered the room, wearing similar armor to the man on the throne but less elegant. His helmet adorned with rising pillars that shone against the lava that filled the forging room. A mighty hammer rested in his hands, even without armor Michael believed he stood an easy 7 foot tall.

"This is the boy?", the Mastersmith mockingly yelled to the Forgemaster, but before the he turned back around a blade had struck his armor and sent him reeling back. "I am no boy with all respect my lord," Michael wiped the sweat from his brow as his opponent gathered his bearings.

A mighty laughter arose from the throne, "Good, let us see if the son is worthy of his father's name," he pounded his hammer against the ground with a crashing thud of metal on concrete and both combatants charged each other.

At first it appeared Michael had the advantage over his foe, weaving himself around every swing of his opponent's heavy hammer and striking his foe's weak points. The Ranger's training was starting to show. Some fancy footwork and he had navigated himself behind the Mastersmith and pulled his sword back to swing.

However things quickly turned against Michael as his feet were swept out from underneath him by a quick sweep from the hammer's handle. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and his head shook violently around itself.

"Pride is the bane of all men," the Mastersmith said as he helped Michael to his feet, "never underestimate your foe, the battle isn't over until their heart stops beating, and even then there are exceptions.."

The Forgemaster stood to his feet at the throne, "Your father and the other Dukes have trained you well, but you have much to learn. I will offer you my help son of the Arbitor," he stepped down the steps towards Michael, "when I am done with you, your skin shall be stronger than iron, your will like refined steel, and your skills with smithing shall be unmatched in the Empire," he rested his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Your father would be proud."
Edited by Shadowclaimer, Jun 21 2011, 08:49 PM.
"don't mess with shadowclaimer, he uses logic.... its overpowered" - Tsak

The Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor (My book!)
http://s13.zetaboards.com/koeiwarriors/topic/6794331/1/

Wu: Cheng Pu, Han Dang, Zu Mao, Sun Yi, Wu Guotai, Jiang Qin, Zhuge Jin, Zhuge Ke, Lu Kang, Sun Hao
Wei: Li Dian, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, Guo Jia, Cao Zhang, Cao Ang, Bian Xuan, Xiahou Shang, Hu Che Er
Shu: Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Liao Hua, Ma Su, Wang Ping, Sha Moke, Meng Da, Liu Feng
Jin: Zhang Chunhua, Wen Yang, Zhou Tai, Yang Hu, Du Yu, Jia Chong
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Jiyuu
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You know, you say this is your first foray into writing like this, but it's not bad at all. :) I can see that you are a good writer. I'll admit, while I do read sci-fi and fantasy, I'm not that familiar with the Steam Punk sort of style that your story has as well. Nevertheless, this is still interesting. :3

[My feedback, which I started before there, is ahead - I've tried to put what I thought was good, not so good, and how you could improve it, etc. I hope this is the sort of thing you were after? :unsure: ]

Shoved inside a spoiler tag!



I'll apologise again if this wasn't the kind of feedback that you wanted.. :/ Though, saying that, if you feel it'll help I'm happy to go into more detail about the points I made and make some suggestions on how to improve it for you. (If you're not interested I don't mind, but the offer's there if you want to take it. :) )

I hope that any of this assists you (even if you don't agree with a single word I've said xDD;), and keep at it! ^_^ It's looking good so far! :3
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Shadowclaimer
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Oh no that helps entirely, the Prologue truthfully is my least favorite piece I've posted so far, it was a tad rushed and I was trying to scout about a layout for it. I intend to take what I've written for a setting, insert fluff and events and retype it up fully to be one continuous piece instead of jumping around so much.

My weakness is that I get all these ideas and events I wanna do, but organizing them is difficult, I'm trying to do layouts, bubble charts, etc. to lay it out before hand but I fear I'll run into the issue of making it TOO structured.

It has a lot of work to do still, I'm at least proud of my battle scenes (albeit I need to extend them out a little more, they seem rather quick)
Edited by Shadowclaimer, Jun 24 2011, 01:57 PM.
"don't mess with shadowclaimer, he uses logic.... its overpowered" - Tsak

The Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor (My book!)
http://s13.zetaboards.com/koeiwarriors/topic/6794331/1/

Wu: Cheng Pu, Han Dang, Zu Mao, Sun Yi, Wu Guotai, Jiang Qin, Zhuge Jin, Zhuge Ke, Lu Kang, Sun Hao
Wei: Li Dian, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, Guo Jia, Cao Zhang, Cao Ang, Bian Xuan, Xiahou Shang, Hu Che Er
Shu: Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Liao Hua, Ma Su, Wang Ping, Sha Moke, Meng Da, Liu Feng
Jin: Zhang Chunhua, Wen Yang, Zhou Tai, Yang Hu, Du Yu, Jia Chong
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Jiyuu
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I'm glad it does help. :) And what you intend to do sounds like a good idea to me.

Yeah, it's difficult, isn't it? :/ I'm the type of writer where I can't do too much in-detail planning tbh, since overdoing it tends to kill my desire to actually write the story. It's just all about balance, I think.. Part general planning, part just writing until you get to the next place you want to go (or to somewhere which seems like a good place to go, but you'd never realised it before then). You could vary how much you plan out different parts of your story as well - it doesn't all have to be created via the same method after all.

Well, whether you think something is too structured or completely lacking or something in between, the most important thing is to get everything you want to happen written down. (Though I suppose you have, or almost have however, given you have at least a draft to show us xD; And that's the most difficult part of it all in my opinion, so congratulations! ^_^ ). After that, it doesn't matter what it is, because you can change it as you please. Just revise it and revise it and revise it some more, and a few dozen times after that and you'll get there. :3 You'll find the right balance eventually (even if it takes a great deal of experimenting and adjusting; that's perfectly normal). Like you mentioned, there's just a lot of work to do with it, but you'll manage it I'm sure. :D

Yes, you have reason to be proud of them (and more than that, like I told you). :) At the risk of sounding like a broken record, to end my post here I'll say this to you one more time: just keep at it, it'll all come together for you in the end! ^_^ (..No really, it will, even if you don't feel like it does.. which is what I'm like most of the time. xD;.)
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Snyf
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Have to agree with Jiyuu here. The content and plot of the story is really awesome. I enjoyed reading it. You set the scene very nicely and I could imagine everything taking place in the story very vividly. Although your writing is looking good, the organization is a tad confusing. The prologue really has to grab the reader's attention for him to continue, so organizing it a bit better would make the whole story look better for the reader.

Anyway, really awesome plot-wise and the characters seem dynamic and three-dimensional. I'd love to read this story when you're done with the whole thing. You could even try publishing it if you think it's really good.

Again, awesome story, just thought I'd give my feedback and everything. Hope this helps you. I enjoyed reading it very much.
Edited by Snyf, Jul 24 2011, 01:45 PM.

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Shadowclaimer
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Thanks for the feedback guys =D I'm still working on and off on it a lot. I'm intending to public it through Lulu when I get it finished (hopefully).
"don't mess with shadowclaimer, he uses logic.... its overpowered" - Tsak

The Azarian Chronicles: Arbitor (My book!)
http://s13.zetaboards.com/koeiwarriors/topic/6794331/1/

Wu: Cheng Pu, Han Dang, Zu Mao, Sun Yi, Wu Guotai, Jiang Qin, Zhuge Jin, Zhuge Ke, Lu Kang, Sun Hao
Wei: Li Dian, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, Guo Jia, Cao Zhang, Cao Ang, Bian Xuan, Xiahou Shang, Hu Che Er
Shu: Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Liao Hua, Ma Su, Wang Ping, Sha Moke, Meng Da, Liu Feng
Jin: Zhang Chunhua, Wen Yang, Zhou Tai, Yang Hu, Du Yu, Jia Chong
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