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| Keeping up with the Kriegsdottirs; Episodes 1 and 2 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 28 2018, 07:37 PM (133 Views) | |
| Kalinda | May 28 2018, 07:37 PM Post #1 |
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Narrator: "Keeping Up With the Kriegsdottirs" is filmed in front of an undead studio audience. Cold open into the La Casa de las Kriegsdottir, as can be seen from the giant dragon skull serving as a coffee table, the mix of pizza parlor memorabilia and ridiculously large MMORPG-styled weaponry on the walls, oh and the quarter ton plus brown furred dragon-wolf balancing clumsily on his hind legs working a mop while in a maid outfit. The undead studio audience chuckles (well, it's more of a burbling growl, really) as a suit of armor comes flying out of the open closet door. Shortly followed by what appears to be the rotting corpse of a utahraptor, Tom Cruise, a minigun, a series of unsettling realistic looking funny animal pool toys, a beach ball-sized tangle of USB chargers, a skeleton wearing a red Starfleet uniform, and then finally a shoe tree. No, not the thing you use to store shoes. A purple leafed bush that seems to be actually growing shoes. Well, combat boots in this case. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Annoyed Summons) Parental Unit Sammy!" Calls MECHA-Kalinda, who steps out of the closet as the zombie crowd cheers. Well, more like snarls in a really excited, quasi-friendly manner. Shortly thereafter, Sammy 3.0 arrives into the scene to more shambling corpse cheering. The Android Almighty has added an elegant sparkly black evening gown, an oversized faux-pearl necklace, and a very sparkly tiara to her armor plated form. She also seems to be sporting a rather large wine snifter. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Accusation) Component-Mother, state the location of my turret bank." Sammy waves a hand dismissively and takes a sip from the wine glass. Well, makes the motion to sip from the wine glass. Not actually having a mouth does cause problems with ingesting the wine. Thankfully the dark dress hides the discoloration and won't stain as the red wine drips down onto the floor. The dragon-wolf maid (who is actually named Dragon Kitty) is suddenly front and center with the mop, holding it awkwardly with his big, mole-claw adorned paws. Sammy 3.0: "I had the help wax it so it would be all sleek and shiny for your first first main event, dah-ling!" Sammy is doing a ridiculous, over the top, rich woman voice. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Horror) You let Claudia near my weapons array?" Sammy 3.0: "Of course! That's what minions are for! Of course she didn't do a very good job, but then again I should've been more specific about the kind of waxing I wanted." Jump cut to Claudia in a skimpy nightie, which actually covers more skin than her standard ring gear actually now that I think about it. She's planted herself in a bed covered in rumpled silken sheets, candles burning in the background, and the saxophone bit from "Careless Whispers" playing as she sensually drips candle wax on MECHA-Kalinda's turretblade. Jump cut back to MECHA-Kalinda making an absolutely horrified face. MECHA-Kalinda: "(DDDDD:)" Sammy 3.0: "Stop that! If you keep making that face it'll stick like that! How do you think I wound up with this face?" Sammy gestures to her smooth, blank face plate and the undead crowd laughs uproariously. At least I think that's what they're doing. They might also be collectively hacking up an ocean of rotten mucus. Sammy 3.0: "Dragon Kitty buffed the candle wax off and shined it up properly! It's by the Town Portal Pond in the living room, ready for your T-Mom to take you to your very first main event! Eeeeeee!" Sammy squees and throws her arms around her dragondroid daughter, her wine snifter sloshing all over the floor. Dragon Kitty has a second mop in his mouth to deal with it. Sammy 3.0: "Here! I'll go get it for you!" MECHA-Kalinda: "(Exasperated warning) Err… no Component-Mother, that is fine. I can get it myself!" Sammy 3.0: "Nonsense! I can help my baaaaaaaaaby!" Sammy goes to set her drink on an object that isn't there, and it promptly crashes to the floor. Dragon Kitty sighs and begins swiping a few towels around on the floor with his tail, joining the two mops. An offscreen grunt from Sammy is heard. Sammy 3.0: "Hrrrrrrrgh." MECHA-Kalinda: "(Concern) Please cease your attempted lifting efforts, Component-Mother." Sammy 3.0: "Hrrrrrrrgh!" MECHA-Kalinda: "(Concern) You will suffer from structural failure." Sammy 3.0: "HRRRRRRRRRGH!" A pair of loud pops are heard, one after the other, and we jump to a shot of MECHA-Kalinda's turretblade, with both of Sammy's arms gripping on it. The smaller android has once again had her limbs pop out of their sockets. Sammy 3.0: "Oh dear!" MECHA-Kalinda: "(Exasperated sigh) That's my mom." The zombie crowd raucously laughs once again. Or they possibly have set upon one of the giant rats under the bleachers that subsist entirely off of orange soda and spilled popcorn. -o- And with that we arrive at a commercial break! There are shoes of some sort, you should buy them? Why? They are Stanton Enterprises manufactured merch and have probably been made from leather that's been left to soak in the pleasing aura of Pretty Ricky's cologne closet. The M-Whatevers. They make your feet smell pretty. Almost as pretty as Ricky. Oh! And another commercial! It appears to be for the ring cleansing product Mat Acid. Not to be confused with often bewildered professional wrestler Matt Acid. Though both can be found being quite thoroughly rubbed against the canvas. Though one adds stains, the other removes them. And one more! Umm… I have no idea what this is. It's in black and white, and involves two actors who look like models, one a man and one a woman, saying weird phrases that don't really have any meaning. They seem to be really into firearms for some reason and are grinding against them? Oh. It's for a perfume. "OPEN CARRY FRAGRANCE, CHOOSE GÜN." That's uh…. That sure is a thing. -o- Narrator: "Keeping up with the Kriegsdottirs" is filmed before a mostly undead... An anguished scream. Narrator: ...an entirely undead studio audience. Cold open to a shot of the La Casa de las Kriegsdottir kitchen, where a large number of ingredients have been placed upon the central island. Android Princess Sammy 3.0 enters in her role as Spoiled Rich Sitcom Mom (as evidenced by her tacky gold jewelry and sparkly tiara) can be seen attempting to drag her dragondroid daughter, MECHA-Kalinda, into the kitchen. The undead crowd cheers. Though we can't be sure if it's for the android duo or from the presence of fresh meat generously donated by a member of the paparazzi who isn't really going to be needing it anymore. The Mighty Metal Monster, however, is proceeding at her own walking pace. She looks at the gathered components for potential baked goods and facepalms. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Long-suffering sigh) What mischiefs have you accomplished on Template-Mother Kalinda this time, Parental Unit Samantha?" The crowd laughs. Or they might be burping. Sammy 3.0: "Hush! I have done absolutely nothing! Kalinda has booby-trapped the coffee table to prevent me from dancing on it, so I went and danced on top of the master bedroom toilet instead." The smaller android pauses to brush some specks of dust off of her dress. Sammy 3.0: "In totally unrelated news, the bathroom is completely covered in wood dust and splinters. I can't imagine why." MK gives her Component-Mother the side eye. Sammy 3.0: "Anyway, I think we ought to bake a cake as a surprise to brighten your Template-Mother's day. I even pulled out a bag of hash browns!" Jump cut to a 40-pound bag of food service frozen, precut hash browns. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Bewilderment) Parental Unit Samatha, you are aware that I am capable of cooking dishes that do not contain hash browns, are you not?" Sammy 3.0: "But I know you like making hash browns so much, dear! Why, you made them on the very morning shortly after you came into the world!" MECHA-Kalinda: "(Moderate embarrassment) Because it was breakfast time, and despite what Parental Unit Kalinda says pizza is not a breakfast food." Sammy 3.0: "But they're symbolic!" MECHA-Kalinda: "(Slight acquiescence) If you are so insistent, we can utilize potato flour in the cake. Make it akin to lefse." Sammy 3.0: "Lefse?! That's that scary Scandinavian fishy stench-jelly! We will not be serving such a horror as part of a cake in my household." MECHA-Kalinda: "(Who very well knows the difference between lefse and lutefisk) Fine. We will utilize hash browns in making the cake." Sammy 3.0: "Yay!" As MECHA-Kalinda goes to get the mixing bowls out, a segment of her tail pops open and a small, rotating radar dish emerges. We jump-cut to undead demon dragon fey clown thing and minion extraordinaire Claudia Kajara, who appears to be in the process of pilfering somebody's locker. We're not sure what company as the logo has been fuzzed out and been digitally replaced with a jar of mayonnaise that reads "WE SUCK LOL." Anyway, Claudia has a number of plaid, woolen socks stuck to her hair as she appears to be contemplating a box marked "STRATEGIC MAPLE SYRUP RESERVES, FOR FLAPJACK EMERGENCIES ONLY," and is absentmindedly taking bites out of a hiking boot. Cellphone Ringtone: "Diddley-dee, diddley, diddle-lee-dum-DIE!" Claudia slaps herself on the chest, causing a small cell phone to fall out of the bottom of her cleavage. Claudia: "Bob's On Demand Roadkill Roasting Service, you kill 'em, we grill 'em!" Claudia makes a few "uh huh" noises. Claudia: "I'll grab the magic Kaiju dust and be right there in a jiffy, Boss Lady Junior!" We cut back to the kitchen where Sammy is supervising as MECHA-Kalinda pours the hash browns into a mixing bowl. Sammy 3.0: "More. A little bit more. A little bit more. Mmm, no no, way more..." During Sammy's whole spiel MK doesn't change the minuscule flow rate of the hash browns falling out one end of the bag at all. On the other side of the island Claudia's tricolor mohawk acts rather like a shark fin, announcing her presence. MECHA-Kalinda: "(Exaggerated fawning) Oh dearest Component-Mother of mine, could you perhaps acquire for me that big mixing spoon over there?" Sammy 3.0: "Oh! Of course dearest daughter of mine!" Sammy turns and in that moment Claudia chucks a vial of sparkly blue dust into the mixing bowl. MECHA-Kalinda sets down the bag of hash browns and quickly drives her fist into the bowl, breaking the glass vial. Sammy 3.0: "So next we pour in the strawberries and the frosting and… AIIIIIIIIE!" Sammy shrieks as the shadow a massive cake-monster rises up to cover her. Sammy 3.0: "It's a cake monster! Heeeeeeeeelp!" Jump cut to MECHA-Kalinda, Kalinda, and Sammy all seated around the table. Several still smoldering chunks of monster can be seen on plates, as well as a scorched, blackened, out of focus husk in the background that seems to be pinned to the wall by Kalinda's massive greatsword and her daughterganger's own turretblade. The family trio are happily dipping hash browns into ketchup and eating them. Well, the two dragons are, Sammy mashes each forkful against her faceplate a few times before turning and giving it to Dragon Kitty, who has a sign around his neck labeled him "Tasting Mouth Dog." The zombified crowd laughs and applauds (actually that might be them beating their limbs against their cage bars again) as we are returned to our regularly scheduled programming. Edited by Kalinda, May 28 2018, 07:51 PM.
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6:51 PM Jul 11
